A Buzzing Economy

The employment data for September is out and it looks like employers added 336,000 jobs last month, more than doubling the growth projected by economists. As this data shows a positive change for the American working class, it’s sure to signal a boon to our economy! Wait, hang on… Jerome Powell said what now? Yeah, okay, I got it. Nevermind, this is actually horrible news for the economy because reasons.

Jerome Powell, chair of the Federal Reserve, had this to say on the matter:

“This unimpeded job growth is the worst possible thing that could happen right now. Unbridled prosperity for workers is ultimately bad for shareholders and corporate profits and therefore bad for the economy. The recent growth in job numbers may in fact stop us from raising the federal interest rate at the end of October, and we just can’t have that. I don’t know how many times I have to say this, but in order to cool off the American economy the working class has to suffer. It’s because of this that our official response to this new data is that the economy cannot get back on track until Mark Dundas eats this entire jar of bees.”

It’s true that those who watch the numbers panicked slightly at the announcement, the S&P 500 slipping down after the report dropped, but insiders tell us – hang on, can we go back to the bee thing real quick?

Okay, yes, upon reviewing the press conference, Jerome Powell is definitely holding a quart-sized mason jar full of live bees and insists that a man named Mark Dundas needs to eat them in order to get the economy back on track for a full recovery.

But who is Mark Dundas?

Mark Dundas appears to be a man from Lansdale, Pennsylvania who works as a maintenance shop foreman repairing and maintaining commercial vehicles. He recently accepted a new job for a substantial pay bump, a move he hopes will provide better economic security for his wife (an educator) and two young daughters (currently unemployed).

Mark has no idea why Jerome Powell wants him to eat bees.

“I never even heard of this guy,” says Dundas, “let alone done anything to piss him off. I mean, I agree crap’s gotten expensive lately, but that don’t mean I’m gonna eat a bunch of bees over it. Like what the hell!? Why me and why’s it gotta be bees!? Are the bees alive? You know, I don’t care if they are or not, I’m still not eatin’ ‘em, fuck that.”

When reached for comment, The Federal Reserve assured us that economics is a science and that top minds in the field all agree that Mark Dundas eating bees is the only way to move forward.

“Look, we’re all suffering here,” says multi-millionaire CEO Andy Putzder from the deck of his mega-yacht off the coast of Spain, “so if this Mark character has got to eat some bees on an X live stream then he better get hungry!”

“Hang on,” replies Mark Dundas. “Why’s it gotta be live streamed? You know what, doesn’t matter, not happening.”

“We’re all hoping for an end to this economic turmoil,” says Retail Industry Leaders Association (RILA) president Brian Dodge, “and I don’t think we’ll ever be able to lower prices until Mark takes one for the team and eats those bees!”

“You eat the bees then if it’s that important to you!” says Mark Dundas. “Also, can’t you just lower prices any time you like, you dick!?”

“What is that? What is it?” says Edward Malus, a detective played by Nicolas Cage in the 2006 movie The Wicker Man, “OH NO NOT THE BEES! NOT THE BEES! ARGHHHHHHHH!”

“Wasn’t actually that bad a movie,” says Dundas, “not that I wanna reenact it.”

“OH, THEY’RE IN MY EYES!” adds Malus, “MY EYES! AAAAAAAHHHHHH! AAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!”

“Okay, making me watch this isn’t helpful!” says Dundas.

While Mark Dundas refuses to play ball, the buzz around The Fed is that the longer Mark delays the worse it will get.

“If things keep improving throughout October,” says Powell, “we’ll have to upgrade the situation to Mark Dundas eating a freezer bag full of wasps. We can even project going as high as Mark Dundas eating a jug of hornets before falling into a full recession.”

“Not happening,” Dundas continues to insist.

There is however a silver lining to this story for Mark Dundas and the American economy. In the month of September, wage growth was the lowest it’s been since June 2021, and this may be enough worker agony to carry The Fed through autumn.

“Yeah, alright,” says Jerome Powell, “as long as the workers are suffering financially then maybe Mark doesn’t have to eat the bees. Or maybe just like a couple bees, I don’t know. But rest assured, I paid the neighborhood kids to collect a jar full of bees once and I’ll do it again!”

Well, that’s certainly good news for Mark Dundas, as we breeze through October and look ahead to when officials meet again on December 12th to decide – Hang on, did he just say he obtained those bees through child labor?