Amiss Tripped Manager

A retail store in Clackamas, Oregon has reportedly received an unexpected visitor this week. But what’s truly unexpected is exactly how unexpected the visitor was.

Patrick Higgins, general manager for big-box retailer All-In-One, was surprised to find out that the district manager had arrived at his store.

“I had no idea this was happening today,” says Higgins. “Surprise visits do happen, but they’re rare. Normally if a DM is coming down, we get some kind of warning first.”

“It’s never good to let the higher-ups see the store,” says sales manager Mari Rulfo, “without at least three days of prep for a good, deep clean.”

“Yeah,” adds sales worker Bryant Regan, “we’d hate to let ‘em see what the store really looks like on a day-to-day basis. Hate to make them think we need any kind of resources to run this place.”

Upon entering the store, Jackson Granese, the district manager, greeted Higgins and stated he’d been looking forward to the visit ever since the two began corresponding about it a month before.

“I actually did know this was happening today,” says Higgins. “Just forget about what I said before, I was, uh, I was thinking of something else, but I did know Mr. Brandeis was coming today.”

“Nice of you to let us know,” adds Rulfo, “so we could prepare. And it’s Granese by the way.”

“Doesn’t make a difference to me,” says Regan. “Might as well be the president giving King Charles a piggyback ride through the store. I’m just glad I didn’t have to rearrange the pasta aisle by thickness or polish the roach traps or whatever the hell else they think this guy'll look at."

The store walkthrough was pretty typical for how these things go according to the management team members who shirked off their regular duties to join and who all claimed to have had prior knowledge of Granese’s visit.

“Yup,” says communications manager Nick Castelli, “he pointed a few areas that could be more inviting to customers and a few high-sellers that could be more prominent, just some stuff for us to work on before he comes in for his follow-up.”

“Yo, you can ask that guy in five minutes what he pointed out,” says merchandiser Paul Southwood, “and I promise you he won’t remember a single one. Just nod and pretend to take notes and you’ll never hear about it again.”

After the walkthrough, Granese joined the management team for lunch in the conference room, a meal People and Culture manager Pam Bund said she ordered ahead of time but looked like an assortment of grocery store subs she just grabbed while everyone else walked the store. The day was then capped off with a quick presentation on strategy and what the store planned to do to increase sales going forward.

“I mean, some of us were prepared because we definitely knew about the visit,” says general manager Higgins, “but honestly, if you can’t fake your way through one of these presentations by now, are you really in retail management?”

“It could’ve been worse,” says sales manager Rulfo. “It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t as if Higgins tried to feed the DM steamed hams or anything.”

“It was a very productive visit, I’d say,” said Granese as he left the store. “The store looks great! We had a very good meeting and it was great to finally put some faces to the email signatures. We’re expecting big things from store 334, and this was a good start down that road!”

“Yup, it was a great meeting!” says Higgins. “Everything went according to– wait, did he say store 334?”

Upon further investigation, it turns out that the Clackamas store is NOT store #334 but store #064 according to All-In-One corporate headquarters.

“He must’ve just said the wrong number,” says Higgins, looking like his mother just told him the divorce really was his fault. “Just an honest mistake.”

“No,” says Rulfo, “I just went through like months worth of emails, and there is NOTHING in here about a DM visit. That dude literally just came to the wrong store.”

“Oh my god, that is amazing!” remarks Regan. “And they all just went along with it? That’s awesome, the bootlicking toadies. All that and I saw they had some free hoagies in the breakroom. What a day!”

“And I'll never forget,” adds merchandiser Paul Southwood, “that he didn’t even notice that we didn’t spend like six days preparing for this. I’ve been saying for YEARS that they don’t actually care about how the store looks as long as it’s making money.”

“I really have to say,” says Higgins, who is now the laughingstock of the entire All-In-One Pacific Northwest Region, “that if we really DID have a surprise visit from the district office that we’d have passed with flying colors!”

“Or that these visits literally don’t matter,” adds Bryant Regan and probably most of the employees.

After speaking with staff and management at store #064, we reached out to the Pacific Northwest regional office to speak with the district manager about what some may call an epic whoops-a-daisy in the planning department.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” says district manager Denis Brandeis. “I don’t have any store visits planned this week. I think you're mistaken.”

When pressed further, Brandeis, who’s name apparently ISN’T Granese, assures us that given our telling of events that he plans to visit store 064 very soon and that we shouldn’t spoil the surprise. He also informs us that there is no store 334 in the district he oversees.

With a little research, we were able to find a Jackson Granese working as a district manager for the north western district of retailer One ‘n Done, who does indeed have a store 334 in the same general area as the Clackamas All-In-One. Whoops!

When reached for comment, the staff of One ‘n Done 334 was in the midst of a pizza party celebrating a successful visit from the district manager.

“Hey, I don’t even remember the guy coming in,” says general manager Steve Leary, “and if I’m being honest, the store looks like crap most days, but I guess we must’ve been on our game or something! Let me tell you, I’ll take a win anyway we can get it!”