An Alarming Story

Reports tonight are coming out of a Tampa, Florida big-box retail store about an emergency exit whose alarm was tripped accidentally. Sources at the scene are conflicted as to who is responsible but agree that the noise is super annoying.

It was a relatively quiet evening in the store’s bedding department when the blaring siren shattered the silence in a cacophony that some onlisteners described as “somewhat inconvenient” and “I can’t hear you over this noise”.

“It was probably some kid,” says Dennis Conlon who was in the department at the time. “There’s lots of kids running around here, kids do stuff like that.”

“There’s not that many kids,” says Brandi Markham, a store employee who was collecting a curbside order in the area. “Nah, this grown-ass man right here,” she nods toward Conlon, “he pushed the bar in on the door then tried to act all like ‘What the hell? Who did that?!’.”

Sales worker Joel Evers was working nearby on a cart of restock when Conlon approached him and said “There’s an alarm going off over there.”

“At first I thought he was joking,” says Evers, “because he had clearly opened the door himself, so I just laughed. But he was for real serious and said like ‘It’s really annoying’. Okay, dude, yeah I know, I can also hear it.”

According to witnesses, Conlon just stood over Evers saying things “It’s really loud” and “Somebody really should do something about it.”

“I don’t know what he expects me to do,” says Evers. “I’m the one stuck in this department with that siren going off. Oh, so sorry, guy-who-can-leave-at-any-time, you’re right, I just don’t feel like fixing it. Man, what a fuckin’ baby. Shit, don’t tell my manager I said that last part.”

“No, he’s right,” said Evers’s manager, “that guy is being a total baby.”

“I don’t see why they haven’t shut that thing off yet,” says Conlon after refusing our offer of a juice-filled sippy cup. “This is just a punishment because some kid had to go and play with the door.”

“Oh my god,” says Evers. “I told him like four times, only Loss Prevention can shut it down and they get here when they get here.”

Other customers have commented on the noise, but no one else seems to be throwing a total hissy about it.

“What? Oh yeah, it’s loud,” says customer Victoria Hilliard, “but what can you do?”

“Why did that man open the door, Mommy?” asks Greyson Hensaw, local third-grader and actual child. “Can’t he read the sign?”

“I didn’t see a sign,” says Conlon, who has basically just been called stupid by a third-grader. “I mean, the kid or whoever did it probably didn’t see a sign. Is there even a sign? I don’t think there is actually.”

“It’s right there,” says young Greyson pointing at a very clear and obvious red sign stating “emergency exit, alarm will sound”.

“Well,” says Conlon, “kids can’t read.”

Word has it that a member of the Loss Prevention team is currently en route to shut off the alarm and return peace and quiet to the bedding department once more. Evers has since gone on break and Conlon is waiting to speak to a manager we’re pretty sure is never coming to discuss the inconvenience.

For now all we can do is plug our ears and give a dirty look to Dennis Conlon who definitely opened that door.