Ashopalypse Now

Despite the dismal state of the job market and an increasingly desperate workforce, one retail manager is having difficulty retaining staff. And while many might blame the circumstances of our modern world, Mathers believes this to be the failing of his workers.

“Nobody wants to work anymore,” says Mathers, general manager for warehouse retailer Priced Less. “I know that’s a total cliche these days, but it’s true. I’ve had six people quit on me just this month alone! Must be something with these younger generations and their lack of work ethic.”

But Mathers’s workers don’t agree.

“I’m sorry I’m not there anymore to spend my entire shift pretending to help Gerald and Donna find something I keep telling them we don’t even sell,” says Daveed Long, who recently resigned his position at Priced Less, “but I dunno, doesn’t seem prudent to keep froting shelves and restocking go-backs when the world is actively ending just outside those doors!”

While it’s objectively true that we’ve come to the end of humanity’s time on this planet, managers like Carl Mathers and the corporate entities who pull their strings insist that there’s still no excuse for retail workers to shirk their duties.

“These kids don’t even know what it is to sacrifice,” says Mathers. “I mean, during World War II people learned to get by with less and do the jobs that nobody else was around to do and we thrived as a country because of that. Nowadays there’s one little armageddon and people stop showing up!”

“That’s actually the typical management attitude,” says Long. “‘Do more with less, sacrifice and get nothing in return, come into work even though the highway you usually take melted yesterday’. No consideration for working folk or what we go through during the end times!”

The remaining All-In-One staffers share Long’s sentiment.

“I don’t mean to get all political,” says Sara Alden, a merchandiser, “but we shouldn’t have to keep working while the world is ending. Seems cruel to make us keep coming here after looters already decimated our supply of toilet paper and bottled water months ago with no incoming deliveries scheduled.”

“It’s not even my fault that I can’t get to work,” says stocker Nate Johnston. “I’ve been stuck on house arrest ever since the National Guard showed up at my house after I politely disagreed with some of the government’s recent decisions on Facebook.”

“We had three category five hurricanes this month,” says Gina Cirelli, cashier, “with scorching heat on the days in between. So you’ll have to excuse me if I take a day off to rebuild my bedroom wall and continuously put out the brush fires that keep erupting in my yard!”

The staff’s complaints haven’t fallen on deaf ears though. Just last week Mathers sent out this memo showing his employees exactly how much he cares about their plight:

Also on the subject, Mathers has reportedly been telling his workers “If there's time to scream in horror, there's time to clean and order!”

“Yeah,” says former employee Daveed Long, “he sent that out after the entire carts team stopped coming in. They were getting third degree burns from touching the metal, on top of blistering sunburn. Also the carts get really hard to push when the wheels melt and stick to the asphalt.”

“Right now,” adds Sara Alden, “the policy is to basically consider any cart left out in the lot longer than five minutes to be a goner since nobody’s suicidal enough to go get it.”

“Someone fell down pushing carts two weeks ago,” says Gina Cerelli, “and they were cooked alive within minutes! People were coming in and commenting on how good the rotisserie chickens smelled even though we stopped selling those and it took us like forty-five minutes to figure out what they were even talking about.”

“Maybe this wouldn’t happen if the government actually gave a shit about the people,” says greeter Nate Johnson, “instead of installing marble toilets in the Lincoln bathroom, throwing lavish Gatsby parties, or sending their masked goons to–” (Our interview with Johnson is cut short when the door to his apartment is suddenly kicked in and a flashbang grenade detonates in his living room.)

And the parking lot and rotisserie counter aren’t the only parts of the store being neglected due to this apocalyptic short-staffing.

“Joni from the floral department stopped coming to work after she was raptured,” tells Mathers. “Luckily we were able to pull Omar from the seafood counter to cover since there hasn’t been any seafood to sell anyway after the ocean started boiling. Come to think of it, we may not need the floral department for much longer either….”

Moving staff around and reassigning duties can only help for so long before Priced Less customers start to feel the strain, and that’s exactly what’s been happening. Well, at least for the customers who still show up….

“Well yeah, foot traffic has admittedly been down lately,” says Mathers. “I guess it never really picked up after the water riot fatalities made people afraid to leave the house, nevermind the fact that the city refuses to fix that huge meteor crater out in the main road. But still, the most common complaint is, big surprise, our lack of staff.”

“There’s never anyone here to help me anymore,” says Nadine Goldsmith, a local retiree. “I come here three times a week to do some light shopping and to have someone to talk to about the state of the world who won’t just ignore me or walk away because they’re not allowed to, but lately that seems pointless.”

“I’ve been complaining to management for weeks about how far downhill this place has gone!” says longtime customer Rick Dean. “Like is it so hard to call an exterminator about the cloud of locusts you have to walk through to get in here? But the worst part is having to use self-checkout because the scheduled cashier, so they say, was drafted to fight off the demon horde.”

Yes, it seems that Priced Less and their general manager really are in a pickle over their lack of willing workers. Perhaps a hiring bonus or a bump in starting pay and benefits could entice new workers to take on some of those vacant roles. It’s just a staffing shortage after all, not the end of the world….

Update:

As the human race dwindles and only a few of us remain on this Hell that was once the lush, green planet capable of sustaining life, we returned to Priced Less to see if things have fared any better since we last spoke to Carl Mathers and his employees. What we find is an empty, desolate store, completely void of life. But hark, what’s that…? A lone, disheveled woman still remains here, draped in rags and shaking the locked door at the store entrance.

“This is absolutely ridiculous!” says Nadine Goldsmith. “Do you have any idea when this store is going to open!?”