The Ballad of Baby Petty

Petunia “Petty” Winstead, a toddler brought by her parents to an Atlanta area Ikea, is screaming to be brought home, and the staff could not possibly empathize more.

“MOM-MEE,” Petty screeches between sobs, “I. WANT. TO. GO. HOME.”

“Me too, kid,” says one sales worker as Petty passed close by. “Me too.”

“I hate the sound of screaming kids,” says Jackson Topol, another sales worker. “It’s usually one of the worst parts of the job. But today…. Well, today I understand exactly where that kid’s coming from.”

The store’s staff, who by now is used to being overwhelmed and underappreciated, sees little Petty as a kindred spirit.

“I ride with Petty,” one coworker was overheard remarking.

As the mother made her way around the store, she attempted to bribe Petty with soft toys from the kids’ department and those raspberry-filled cookies they have all over the place. But she found it was all in vain as Petty wailed on.

“That’s right, girl,” says Topol. “Don’t let ’em buy you off. Stay strong!”

“If you’re not good,” says Petty’s father trying to gain control, “we’re not going to get pizza on the way out.”

“Oh yeah,” says curbside picker Maria Cowens, “they always try to bribe you with pizza. Don’t believe their lies, child!”

And still Petty screams.

“I want to go HOME!” she screeches as her parents cart her through the store’s market hall area. “HOME! HOME! AHHHHHHHHH!”

As the family passes through the lighting department, it seems one worker, James Rasnik, has connected to one of the Bluetooth speakers on display and is playing My Hero by The Foo Fighters.

“Most people seem to think we pop in and out of existence at their beck and call,” says Rasnik, “but Petty understands us. Petty doesn’t want to be here but she has to be. But does she just shut up and do as she’s told? No! Petty’s not afraid to raise her voice and demand to be heard! It’s not easy to come in here and smile and be friendly when all you want to do is cry and go home, but Petty gets it. I think that today we’re all Baby Petty!”

The staff now gathers as little Petunia Winstead, still screaming her tiny lungs out, finally leaves the store. The coworkers look on with awe and admiration, some raising fists in solidarity, as Baby Petty realizes the dream this crew also holds dear in their hearts: To leave this godforsaken store.

Except for Jackson Topol who just walked out in the middle of shift anyway saying he was “gonna go Petty on this shit”.

Godspeed, Baby Petty. Wherever it is your tantrum has led you, we wish you godspeed.