Just Desserts

It was a sunny Sunday morning when the employees of a Shady Haven Star-Mart showed up to have a little sale not advertised in their superstore’s flier. They were there on their day off or before their shifts, bringing in a wide array of homemade baked goods. The event began in earnest at nine and would continue until they sold out of every cake, pie, cookie, brownie, and banana nut bread. But to what end?

“I’m so happy it turned out to be such a lovely morning,” Barbara Lee Anderson, head of the bake sale committee, tells us amongst six laden folding tables and a group of eager helpers. “When I first had the idea, I didn’t know so many of my colleagues would want to help out. The turnout was fantastic, and that’s great, because Ronald Leech needs to straight-up die!”

Ronald Leech is the head manager of Star-Mart store #2896. He runs his store lean and meets all his sales goals, making him upper management’s golden child.

“I don’t know how he does it,” says Lance Peters, Star-Mart district manager. “He sure knows how to run his people and get it done.” 

Of course, every hero is the villain of someone else’s story. 

“Mr. Leech is the absolute worst,” says deli worker Mike Alton. “It doesn’t even matter how many complaints we send to corporate about him. They don’t care about us peons, just the profits.”

“Thank you so much,” says cashier Mary Roberts as she hands a customer an apple pie—one of an astounding twelve she baked for the occasion. “It was exhausting work,” she tells us, smiling and wiping the sweat from her brow. “It’s well worth the effort, though, when you consider where the money is going. It’s a great cause.” 

“Mommy works hard for the Star-Mart!” ten-year-old Susie Roberts exclaims, as she assists her mother with the bake sale. “I just want her to be happy and hope her mean boss’s head is found in a rest stop toilet!”

“Don’t say that,” Mary playfully scolds with a laugh. “We don’t know how they’ll find his body—or parts of it—so don’t get your hopes up.” Turning back to us, she adds, “Kids. They always want to see someone’s severed head wind up in the toilet.” 

The bake sale concept came to Barbara Lee during an especially rough shift at Star-Mart #2896.

“We were getting slammed,” Barbara Lee reminisces, “hard! Ronald was being a complete monster. He came into my department and reamed me right there for God and every single customer to see, as if I wasn’t just struggling to keep up with the workload. Well, after my usual break room rant about how much I hate Ronald Leech’s rancid guts, a few of my dear, lovely coworkers challenged me to actually do something about it. But what could I do?”

Barbara Lee’s rants about Ronald extended past working hours. She let loose about him one night at a family dinner, and her problem piqued the interest of her cousin Bobby.

“Bobby is what you’d call a creative problem solver,” Barbara Lee said. “He’s worked for a lot of meth dealers in the area who have nothing but nice things to say about him. Bobby said he’d be able to ‘take care’ of our little problem for a measly five hundred dollars and I thought ‘well heck! I better start baking!’. Fast forward a bit and here we are!”

As the bake sale wears on through the after-church rush, it looks as if Bobby might just get the job.

“It’s so great to have a common cause bring us all together like this,” says Mike Alton, using his lunch break to work the bake sale. “We don’t always get along, but when I heard Barbara Lee and the others wanted to raise money to have Ronald offed, I jumped in to do whatever I could! I just hope Ronald suffers as much as possible before he croaks.”

Between the planning, implementation, and discussions on how exactly they wanted Ronald killed, the bake sale turned out to be a worthwhile collaboration for the Star-Mart staff, bringing them closer together better than any corporate mandated team-building exercise ever could. All-in-all, it was an extremely uplifting experience for all involved.

Well, uplifting for almost everyone. 

“I thought it was a bad joke at first,” explains store manager Ronald Leech. “I mean, I know my management style has never been popular, but I don’t get paid to be these people’s friend. But to hear them talking about actually putting out a hit out on me? That I never expected. That one woman hates me so much she baked twelve pies for this thing. Twelve!

“In all honesty though,” adds Leech, “I don’t think Barbara Lee or her meth-head cousin have the guts to do it. It sure has my wife worried though.”

We wanted to catch up with Ronald’s wife for a comment, and it turned out we didn’t have to go too far. 

“Thank you so much,” says Anne Leech, Ronald’s wife, purchasing an Oreo cookie cake from Barbara Lee. “My book club will love this. And please, make sure Ronny gets it right between his beady little eyes. Don’t let him look away.”

“I’ll be sure to relay your message,” Barbara Lee replies with a grin, “and God bless.” 

“I can’t believe they’re pulling it off,” employee Lenny Brown says as he pushes a line of shopping carts to the front of the store. “I’ve never even had a Sunday off, and here they are, sacrificing their day for their fellow workers. I really want to see Ronald torn to pieces by wild animals—been dreaming about it a lot lately. Do you think they’ll let me watch him die if I buy a whole box of cookies?”

While we don’t know how Ronald will die or if Lenny will get to watch, we do know that Barbara Lee’s parking lot bake sale has been a huge success.

“This is a dream come true,” says Barbara Lee, tears in her eyes. “Together, we raised more than enough money. The support of my coworkers and the community who bought our baked goods is so heartwarming and amazing. I don’t even know what to say.”

Barbara looks down the parking lot toward the Star-Mart’s main entrance, spotting Ronald watching her with his hands on his hips.

“Wait. I think I know what to say after all,” Barbara says, a smile spreading across her face. “Goodbye, Ronald.”