Baled and Bailed

The annals of history are littered with stories of unsolved disappearances: Jimmy Hoffa, Amelia Earhart, The Roanoke Colony, Shelly Miscavige, and now that one coworker who topped off the store's cardboard baler without tying it off, never to be seen again….

For details we talked to several employees of big-box retailer All-In-One’s Leesburg, VA location about this harrowing mystery that happened way back like forty-five minutes ago.

Retail merchandiser Todd Jenkins was last seen bussing a cart of cardboard boxes earlier this evening. No witnesses recall seeing Jenkins arrive at the loading dock’s closed-end horizontal baler, but the fact that multi-pack laundry detergent boxes were found in the area suggest that Jenkins was there at some point as he was known to be working in the laundry aisle.

“I think bro just dipped,” says sales associate Eric Izzo. “He just didn’t want to wrap the bale. I ain’t doin’ it though. He knows the rule: You fill it, you kill it!”

But did Todd Jenkins simply dip out of his responsibility to tie-off the bale? Not everyone at the store thinks so.

“No, we’re pretty sure he took off,” says shift supervisor Lizzie Young. “He probably saw the baler was full and thought maybe he’d just duck out early. He’s going to get a talking to on his next shift about it, that’s for sure. It’s like we always say: You cap it off, you wrap it off!”

So the people around the store would have you believe that Todd just up and left, blowing off his baler responsibilities. Admittedly yes, that does seem the most likely explanation. OR IS IT!?!?

“It’s absolutely what happened,” says fellow merchandiser Brian Conklin. “Either that or he had to take a dookie or something. I know I wouldn’t want to make a bale with a turtle head. Stop trying to make it out to be more than it is. Todd fucked off and now someone else has gotta make a bale, which is bullshit. It’s like we always say: You set off the sensor, you tie the wires, Spencer!”

Obviously, there is some kind of grand conspiracy at play here. No workers at the store want to admit that there has been any foul play surrounding the disappearance of Todd Jenkins, but like the piles of cardboard now accumulating around the loading dock, so do the suspicions that Jenkins was made to disappear.

“Oh, there’s definitely something weird going on,” says maintenance worker Gary Grose. “People don’t just up and leave like that unless someone wants them out of the picture, you know what I mean?”

FINALLY! Someone at this store is talking sense!

“Oh yeah,” adds Grose, “this is definitely some fucked up shit. You should probably check to see if Tom was vaccinated, they can use 5G to locate the nanobots in your vaccines. And check to see what he might’ve said on the socials to pissed off the Soros crowd.”

Okay, I don’t think I like the direction this is taking.

“Anyhoo,” says Grose, “it’s not likely Tom would leave of his own volition. I know Tom pretty well, and he understands the old philosophy: ye who sets off the baler is the one who has to tie it up and push it out.”

Okay, that one’s not that good.

Unfortunately, like many of the mysteries that continue to be enigmas, this one is likely to remain a conundrum.

“There’s no conundrum about it,” says shift supervisor Young, desperate to end this investigation for the truth it might expose, “Todd probably just went home for the day.”

Home for the day, indeed. Why won’t they just tell us why they had Todd silenced!?

“Hey, can I get by you,” says merchandiser Todd Jenkins, “I was just in the bathroom, but I gotta tie this bale off real quick before I go back to the floor.”

While we may never know what happened to Todd Jenkins, we can certainly see that the store’s top shift supervisors and workers are in on the conspiracy with no regard for the truth, bale-making as a shared responsibility, or consistent mnemonic devices.

We’d like to take this opportunity to ask that our readers focus their thoughts and prayers towards the Jenkins family at this time in the hopes that the truth is one day uncovered and that

Todd makes his way home one day.