Stock You Like a Hurricane

The devastation is palpable here in Tampa, FL as workers survey the damage in the hurricane beforemath after a crowd of preppers completely demolished a local Publix supermarket.

“You try to prepare as best you can,” says manager Bill Gertz, “but then it happens and you realize there’s no way you can ever adequately prepare for something like this.”

“It was calm one minute,” says cashier Lois Greene, “but then all of the sudden it’s just like wave after wave of people, like being continuously hammered for hours.”

“The sound, too,” adds stocker Scott Harding, “you don’t expect it to be so loud. It’s like standing inside a jet engine.”

The scene here is almost indescribable. Shelves have been cleared as people grabbed any available products faster than it could be restocked. Trampled packaging and food debris litters the ground. Broken glass and puddles of milk, tomato sauce, and the like can be found throughout the store. In short, it’s total devastation.

“At least we finally sold out of that jerk spiced canned chicken,” says Gertz.

Not all aisles were hit as hard, however. Spices and baking supplies, for example, have been relatively untouched while areas like beverages, canned food, snacks, and wine have all been completely wrecked, not to mention the bakery tables.

“You have no idea what it’s like,” says Harding. “You’ve never seen it miss this aisle, and miss that aisle and then come after yours.”

The brave crew of this Publix has a tough road ahead of them. With push brooms in hand and u-carts of wares to restock, the seemingly insurmountable reconstruction has begun in the hopes they can be ready for the oncoming canned pumpkin stampede.

We reached out to Publix CEO Kevin Murphy for comment but were told by his secretary that he was currently filling a bathtub with money to give himself a “whore’s bath” with the week’s profits.