Big Wheels Keep on Earnin'

Story by Matt Starr (@BlameTag)

The retail industry is more competitive than ever as people get more discerning on where to spend their money. One retail manager thinks he’s found a better way to drive business: On big friggin’ wheels!

Meet Chuck Barbanell, a general manager for big-box retailer All-In-One in Dunedin, Florida. Barbanell’s store was struggling to stand tall above the competition in the crowded retail landscape.

“You walk outside and spit in any random direction,” he says, “and hit maybe a Target or Ikea. Hell, I drive past two Wal-Marts on my way to work and I don’t even live that far!”Barbanell knew that if he didn’t do something big that his store would not be able to meet its sales goal for the year.“I can’t lower prices,” he says. “That’s not really something I have control over. And I can’t change the product range or make the store easier to get to or any of that other stuff customers complain about. One thing we do have control over though is facilities, so I started having these little impromptu meetings asking employees if they had any ideas.”“We were looking at things like how to speed up cashlines,” says facilities manager Devon Jacobs, “or making like passing lanes throughout the store for people who didn’t want to browse, stuff like that.”To that point, sales associate Gene Remez said something that planted the seed of a radical idea in Barbanell’s head.“They were talking crazy about having a carpool lane or some crap go through the entire store,” says Remez, “because so many people talk about how they hate how much they have to walk when they’re here and I just said ‘you’ll never get these people to move through the aisle any faster than they do now’. Like the freaking walking dead in here.”“I remember he said,” says Jacobs, “that people will go out of their way to get the heavy flat carts from the garden center and push them around the narrower aisles in general merch even when they don’t need to.”“For real,” adds Remez, “people will take our U-boats all the time for small things. I’ve seen people steal a pallet jack to bring two boxes of cereal and a two-liter of Sprite to the cash register before.”“He said,” says Jacobs, “that being in everyone’s way was the point.”“It’s like retail manspreading,” adds merchandiser Ivy Cowgill.“Seriously,” says Ramez, “customers will just get in front of a line of people trying to get by and just stand there and spin their cart really fast in the middle of the aisle so nobody else can pass. They’re not trying to piss people off, they’re just inconsiderate jerks.”“And that just lit a fire right under Barbanell’s ass,” says Jacobs.With the ass fire lit, the true inspiration was waiting just outside the store.

“I was walking out for the day,” recalls Barbanell, “and saw someone in the parking lot loading bags of groceries that would’ve easily fit into the trunk of a sedan into the bed of this HUGE pickup truck on monster truck tires. I was just kind of like ‘yup, that’s Florida for ya’. Heading to my car I noticed there were several other trucks like that in the parking lot, and I could practically hear that kid from the meeting talking about how people just liked to be in the way.”The idea hit him like a speeding truck: Monster truck tires for the shopping carts!

“I called a meeting with Dev Jacobs from facilities,” says Barbanell, “and discussed the feasibility and implementation of such an idea.”“Yeah,” said Jacobs, “he just walks up while I’m painting the fitting rooms and says like ‘we’re putting monster truck wheels on the goddamn shopping carts, figure it out!’.”And figure it out he did.

“Finding monster truck tires for things like wagons or rider mowers isn’t hard,” says Jacobs, “and attaching them to shopping carts is time-consuming but entirely possible. Barbanell found them through one of our suppliers, and we started converting the carts one-by-one.”“It wasn’t long before we were able to roll out the new monster carts,” says Barbanell, “and people LOVED them!”Yes, the big-wheeled carts were a complete success except in the ways it was a total disaster.“People were crashing into everything,” says merchandiser Ivy Cowgill. “Within two hours of opening that Saturday someone had completely obliterated an impulse standee of batteries and we had about three times as many product damages as usual.”“It’s already hard enough to get around this place when it’s crowded,” says Gene Remez, “but these things made it IMPOSSIBLE. Not sure how I’m supposed to do go-backs when I can’t even fit my cart down the aisle.”But the ensuing chaos would not deter Barbanell’s excitement for the newly wheeled carts, probably because he didn’t spend much time on the sales floor to begin with.“We started with a few,” says Barbanell, “but it was obvious we needed more. People would scramble and fight over them and complain when we ran out. We had to move some of our handier employees to facilities to help convert carts and soon we had a mighty fleet!”I’d have gone with “convoy” personally.

Yes, since word has gotten out, the Dunedin All-In-One has become quite popular with a certain demographic of Florida customers and pretty soon the store was packed with people in shirts adorned with AR15 rifles, snakes expositing the dangers of treading on them, and unlicensed Punisher skulls.“Yeah, it’s awesome,” says Gene Remez in a tone that leads you to believe it’s less than awesome. “It’s nice to see the store filled with only the worst customers.”“What’s fun is,” adds Ivy Cowgill, “is that you can tell which customers have the smallest dicks by who chooses the monster truck carts.”[Editor’s Note: Please consider removing this quote to avoid offending any of our readers who have monster truck tires on their truck and therefore tiny dicks]“Yes, the carts are very popular,” says Barbanell, standing near the store entrance as many customers pass with the big-wheeled carts. “We didn’t provide the ‘Let’s Go Brandon’ flags, though. I think they’re bringing those from home.”Considering his success, we asked Chuck Barbanell if he plans to keep on truckin’ with another big idea.“We’re thinking next we upgrade the child seat part of the buggies,” he tells us, “with an extra large cup holder for your Big Gulp or Starbucks. And maybe a gun rack, but for like small guns. Not rifles or anything, just like the kinds everybody’s got on them anyway.”While Barbanell looks to keep rolling over his competition with his big, new concepts, we hope he continues to innovate and his ideas don’t get too tired.