Blood Loss

The business media sphere was shaken today following ghastly news about billionaire, immortality enthusiast, and human-mosquito Bryan Johnson. And by that we mean more ghastly than usual.

Johnson is a 47 year old (depending on which parts of him you age) tech entrepreneur who shocked the world with his radical anti-aging techniques, which included injecting himself with his teenage son’s blood. That is until yesterday when he shocked the world again by announcing that he would no longer be using his son's blood in an attempt to hoodwink God and His divine plan.

Though Johnson didn't know it at the time, it would prove a deadly mistake.

“You can't just quit that stuff cold turkey,” says Johnson's nutritionist and immortality advisor Conflagroff the Undying. “He really should've tried a patch first or something.”

Apparently, as reported by Reuters early today, Johnson was in the midst of his intense, daily exercise regimen in his home gym and began to feel dehydrated. He sought to take a quick rest on the living room sofa, but before he could reach it he had already disintegrated into a pile of dust and bone fragments.

It would be hours before anybody realized that the pile of supposed dirt on the floor was him and that the dust clouds that hung in the air around the room were also him.

“It's a tragedy he didn't consult me first,” says Conflagroff. “I feel strongly that the right incantation and a potion made of fresh dog's blood could have saved his life.”

As Bryan Johnson's plans to become the world's first immortal (or first known immortal as Conflagroff insists we point out) were quite well-known, news of his transformation into unliving particulates came as quite unbelievable.

“What, the blood guy?” asks Chad Michael Hooray, host of the popular podcast So Help Me Pod. “Are we sure he even can die? Check under the couch cushions and see if he got wedged in there.”

“There's no way this really happened,” says one Reddit user in the comments of this post who probably didn't bother to read the article.

“Oh, yeah, I know who he is now,” says my friend Jeff who doesn’t keep up on this stuff after I had to explain who he was three times. “I always thought he looked like the ‘Somebody That I Used to Know’ guy, ha ha ha.”

In the wake of the tragic news, people across social media speculate on why Johsnon decided to abruptly stop his treatments of consuming the life-fluids of the young. Perhaps, as some have wondered, he became concerned after seeing his son’s latest nighttime boner data. Others think that he may have watched a screener of the recent Nosferatu movie and thought “That’s not how I come off, is it?”. A fringe few believe that Johnson’s son had eaten indian food the night before which caused his blood to become spicier than Johnson could handle.

Whatever motivated him though, the fact remains that Johnson is no more than the driest debris a person can become.

When contacted, a representative for Johnson’s estate refused to comment except to say that the family hasn’t ruled out foul play and they expect to run a full autopsy just as soon as they recover the entirety of his remains by “unwedging the goddamn Roomba from under the lip of that friggin’ dishwasher again”. Fearing this as well, Elon Musk and his father Errol have decided to temporarily stop offering their semen to anyone who will take it in order to preserve their precious bodily fluids until more is known.

The Serving Times sends out their deepest condolences to the family and friends of Bryan Johnson in this difficult time.