A Brandon By Any Other Name

^{As we gratefully send “Let’s Go Brandon”, perhaps the stupidest meme in the history of political memes, out to pasture, I thought it would be appropriate to post this story from way way back in the early days of The Serving Times. Rest in Peace, “Let’s Go Brandon”. You won’t be missed.}

What’s in a name? A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet, apparently. But would a Brandon by any other name still live his best life?

“It’s the darnedest thing,” says noted child psychologist Melvin Pizzi on a recent phenomenon that’s come to his attention.

It seems, notes Dr. Pizzi and other child behavior and psychology experts, that there has been a sudden and inexplicable increase in the self-esteem of children named “Brandon”.

“There are many factors that affect a child’s sense of self-worth and confidence, including environment, family interactions, and yes, even names,” notes Dr. Pizzi. “But to see all the kids with one particular name gain a boost in such a small period of time is kind of unheard of.”

It isn’t just child psychologists who are seeing the difference.

“I have three Brandons on the team,” says Tim Collier who coaches a youth soccer team near Bartlett, Tennessee. “These past few months I’ve really seen them come out of their shell and just play their hearts out. Truth be told, they’re carrying the team!”

Patricia Simone, a first grade teacher in Augusta, Maine, said “Brandon C has been speaking up more in class and the participation has really helped him grasp the material. And Brandon R has gotten so popular lately that he’s constantly swarmed by friends.”

In fact, our poll of sixth grade girls shows that the name Brandon appears in or near the top five cutest guys in nearly every school we polled with a notable rise when compared to last year’s results.

We had the chance to speak to one family in Pinellas Park, Florida about their son Brandon’s new outlook on life.

“He’s almost like a different kid,” says Martha, mother of nine-year-old Brandon Harwood. “He smiles more, he talks more. It’s great!”

“Yeah,” said Nathan, Brandon’s father, “kid’s doing okay I guess.”

When asked to join us, young Brandon entered the room with an undeniable sense of confidence.

“Hi, everyone!” he said, joining us in the family’s living room. “Hey, Dad! Hey!”

When asked if there was anything different in his life to explain his sudden sunny outlook, Brandon had this to say:

“Nothing really. Just all the same stuff, you know. I like to watch sports with my dad. We even went to a Lightning Game, right Dad? Go Bolts!”

“Go Bolts,” agreed Nathan unenthusiastically transfixed on a television news program.

“Yeah,” said Brandon, “that was great! And sometimes we go down to the Ikea after church and that’s fun! You know, if they even have anything in stock, right Dad?”

Nathan took another sip of beer, still staring at the television, and muttered “Fuckin’ Bare-Shelves Biden over there…”

Over and over again we’re seeing examples of young Brandons all over the country just feeling super-good about themselves for no discernable reason.

Dr. Pizzi says it’s really quite perplexing, though admits it’s not entirely unprecedented.

“We’ve actually been following a trend for the past several years with girls named ‘Karen’ whose self-esteem has unfortunately been on a slow decline. Many get angry and take it out on strangers who don’t deserve it. It’s really quite concerning.”

Like the declining happiness of Karens, can a steady uptick in self-esteem carry on for all those Brandons out there? Only time will tell.

“While we don’t yet know what the data means,” says Dr. Pizzi, “we do know that the self-esteem of Brandons is rising much faster than that of Karens is falling. In some cases we’ve seen Brandons with self-esteem levels likened to kids named ‘Chaz’ or ‘Zane’, which, I don’t have to tell you, is absolutely incredible!”

Until the mystery of the why is unraveled we’ll just have to be content to see those Brandons out there kicking soccer balls, drinking juice with the cool kids, and living their best lives!