Cancelled Culture

Recently, The Federal Trade Commission (FTC) and their superstar chair Lina M. Kahn announced a finalized “click-to-cancel” rule aimed at making it as easy to quit costly subscriptions and memberships as it is to enroll. As this is great news for consumers, corporations are, obviously, not going to stand for it, a fact that Rickard Donovan is learning the hard way.

“I never watch my Netflix anymore,” says Donovan, a 42 year old restaurant server from Everett, WA. “I mean, why should I pay to wait six years for the last season of Stranger Things just to watch them pretend we can’t tell these kids are like thirty now? Not worth the thirteen dollars a month, no thank you!”

Donovan opted out of continuing to pay for Netflix and was so excited about how easy it was he decided to opt out of a few other services as well.

“Harry’s can kiss all of my ass, I got way more razors than I’ll ever need,” he says, “and so could The New York Times with their stupidly difficult puzzles and bootlicking op-eds. And even though I don’t pay for it, I’m gonna cancel my library card as well, just because I can!”

Richard Donovan is one among many, many consumers who are tired of paying membership fees on services they don’t want or need just because it’s too difficult to figure out how to cancel.

“I’m still paying for a membership at Priced Less,” says Mary Cadwell of Stoughton, MA, “and I haven’t shopped there in years! You apparently need to go in to cancel your membership, but the closest one is an hour away.”

“I signed up online for a gym membership at San Fernando Fitness,” says Lou Masterson of Lake Charles, LA, “but to quit they make you send a certified letter to get the cancellation request form, which has to be filled out and signed in the presence of a notary public, which then has to be hand-delivered by the pony express during a waning gibbous moon. I’ve tried to cancel six times but always get the moon chart wrong. Guess I’m just stuck with it.”

“Our people accepted a Ring of Power from Sauron during the Second Age,” says Boromir of Minas Tirith, Gondor, “but we didn’t realize it would give him the power to rule us all and in the darkness bind us. And one does not simply cancel their membership. The method of cancellation is so complicated that not with ten thousand men could you do this, it is folly. Also, expediting the process by use of giant eagle voids the entire transaction for some reason.”

As you can see, many consumers stand to benefit from the click-to-cancel rule, whether it be canceling a gym membership from their phone or unmaking The One Ring without having to walk into the very fires of Mordor. But as Richard Donovan was about to find out, the corporations who profit from these unused memberships and subscriptions weren’t going to let it become that easy.

“We knew this new FTC chicanery was going to lead to shenanigans,” says Brian Thompson, a spokesman for the US Chamber of Commerce, “and the second we heard that Richard Donovan had canceled, among other things, his Netflix subscription, we knew what kind of quagmire this boondoggle was quickly escalating into.”

The Chamber of Commerce, along with lobby groups the Internet & Television Association (NCTA), the Electronic Security Association (ESA), and Interactive Advertising Bureau (IAB), are suing The FTC to stop Richard Donovan from canceling any of his subscriptions. Except for the library card since nobody lobbies for the public library. Wow, that’s sad actually.

“Wait, what I do?” asks Donovan upon finding out he’s the subject of such litigation.

“[The FTC] is trying to regulate Richard Donovan’s contracts for all companies in all industries and across all sectors of the economy, “ says Thompson. “What they’re doing in essence is micromanaging how we’re allowed to interact with Richard Donovan. We consider this government overreach.”

“I don’t know man,” says Donovan, “I just figured I’m never gonna watch Emily in Paris and I don’t need a fresh razor every single time I shave, you know?”

“While we hash this out with the US government,” says a spokesperson for Netflix, “we’d like to suggest that Mr. Donovan maybe give Bridgerton a watch. And by that we mean he’s going to watch Bridgerton.”

“Dude, why did my TV just come on and start playing Bridgerton?” asks a confused Donovan, Bridgerton superfan.

“The truth of the matter,” says FTC chair Lina M. Khan, “is that corporations like to keep these fees as complicated as possible since they know it makes Richard Donovan more likely to keep paying for his subscription rather than figure it out, and without his thirteen dollars a month their shareholders may not be able to have enough champagne flutes for everybody on their superyacht, and they just can’t abide that.”

“While it’s true that not having enough champagne flutes to go around at toast time is really awkward,” says Thompson of The Chamber of Commerce, “that’s not the issue here. The issue is that corporations, which are also legally people, have entered into a personal relationship with Mr. Donovan, and like all relationships we should be able to dictate the terms by which he’s allowed to leave, and if we make that process arduously complicated, well, that’s only because we know what’s best for him and that nobody will ever love him the way we do.”

“Okay….” says Richard Donovan. “Should I be looking into a restraining order here?”

While The Chamber of Commerce and the alphabet soup list of initialized lobby groups are spending thousands to keep Donovan paying for Netflix, we’re left to wonder if the court system will favor the corporations or if they’ll agree that Richard Donovan should be able to opt out of his many subscriptions as easily as he signed up for them.

Well, stranger things have happened. Oh hey! That’s probably why they call the show that!