Clubbed to a Pulp

Retiree and avid reader Mary Beth Cox has recently moved to Sandy Ridge Assisted Living Community in Tavares, Florida. After making in-roads with the other guests and a little politicking, Cox has earned an invite to one of the community’s most exclusive hobby clubs: The Sandy Ridge Lit Gals. The only thing left for Mary Beth to do now is read the book, prepare a dessert for the next meeting, and take an ass-whoopin’ the likes of which she’s never known.

“My last book club did things a little differently,” says Cox. “We had a ‘fudge-in, fudge-out’ policy where you had to impress the group with a tin of homemade fudge to be let in and then when you leave everyone else makes you a tin of fudge. But I understand things are different here, and if you want to run with the big dogs then you have to be prepared to get a little hardcore.”

The exploits of The Lit Gals are well known throughout the community. They have a stranglehold on the local library system to make sure their group is always prioritized when a book is in high demand (especially the large print editions) and are talked about in the hushed, frightened voices of local bookshop managers. They were also responsible for the notorious Bingo Night Rumble of 2024 when they took down the Tuesday Night Night Knitting Society after a contentious round of “four corners”. Many community members fear them and many more admire them. Few however have the guts to attempt joining up.

“It’s going to be so much fun!” says Mary Beth Cox just before her first meeting. “I can’t wait to discuss my feelings on Caro Clair Burk’s Yesteryear! Right after they jump me in of course!”

“I’m so happy Mary Beth decided to join us,” says group leader Irene Lombardi. “I’m almost sorry I’m going to have to beat the Preparation H off her ass. Almost.”

“I may have debilitating arthritis,” says fellow Lit Gal Rose Davis, “but I've taken an extra Advil and I'm ready to throw hands!”

“I gave her my son’s business card to use as a bookmark,” says Doris Alda. “He’s a dentist you know, and if she doesn’t have dentures she’s gonna need them after tonight!”

“Well I gave her my son’s business card as well,” adds Deb Cochran. “He sells mobility scooters, and if she doesn’t need one now–”

You know what, I think we get it.

An anxious Mary Beth stands in Sandy Ridge’s very beige multi-purpose parlor, surrounded by The Lit Gals, and asks “When do we start?”

“We already have,” says Irene as she throws a cupful of scolding chamomile into Mary Beth’s unsuspecting face.

The next few minutes are a blur as fists seemingly covered in tissue paper collide with Mary Beth’s face, Orthofeet shoes swing up towards her midsection, and someone’s cane strikes her squarely across her back. The echoes of Mary Beth's screams and strands of her candy floss hair hang in the air. It’s a brutal display that will strengthen the group’s bond and solidify Mary Beth as a Lit Gal for life. From here on out, the only way out is via ambulance, whether at the hands of the book club or, you know, otherwise.

After the ladies finish putting Mary Beth on Oprah’s Fucked-Up Face Club list, Irene extends a hand to help her up and asks if she’s alright.

“No, I’m not,” says Mary Beth as she struggles to stand up straight after the epic beating she just experienced. “I thought the satire of Yesteryear was a bit heavy-handed if you ask me.”

The Lit Gals all cheer. Mary Beth is one of them now and, assuming she can retain consciousness, ready to discuss some literary fiction!

We congratulate Mary Beth Cox on her acceptance into the Sandy Ridge Lit Gals book club and wish her luck going forward. We’re told that her next orders of business will be obtaining her official “LIT GAL” knuckle tatts and curb stomping Janet in building four for failing to read Allen Levi’s Theo of Golden last month.