Coughing Break

When young Paul Wallach, an eight-year-old from the Galvenston, Texas area, came down with a mucousy cough and slight fever, his parents knew exactly what to do: Take him shopping!

Terrence and Bonnie Wallach walked into Home Depot with their son sometime Sunday afternoon amidst the throng of the after-church crowd.

“We just knew getting out of the house would help him feel better,” says Bonnie.

“Yeah,” agrees Terrence, “he missed two days of school and a soccer game this week, don’t want him to get too used to being around the house all day, you know?”

“I heard that kid coming in,” says lot associate Sam Ashworth. “Sounded like someone accidentally ran a weed whacker over a patch of gravel. Made me glad I was going to be spending my day outside.”

The family walked through the store checking out tools and bathroom fixtures, the kind of fun activity all kids love!

“They come up to me asking for help,” says sales associate Reggie Keyes, “and this kid coughs like you’re shakin’ the hell out of a spray paint can!”

Keyes reportedly asked if Paul was sick, to which Bonnie answered “Oh, don’t worry about him, it’s just a little cough.”

“Worry about him!?” remarks Keyes now. “Believe me, lady, it ain’t the kid I’m concerned about! Coming in here sounding like he’s drowning in a vat of slugs. I wonder if I got any of those rapid tests left….”

“My first thought was either that kid is seriously ill or he needs to cut back to two packs a day,” says another sales associate who coincidentally had to go on break the second the Wallaches entered his department.

“It’s so nice being out of the house and around people again,” says Bonnie who literally just took Paul grocery shopping the day before. “The air at home was starting to feel all stale and heavy, it’s so much nicer here, don’t you think Paulie?”

Paul tries to speak but instead lapses into another coughing fit.

“That’s right, slugger,” says Terrence, patting Paul on the back, “get it all out…”

“Sounds like they’re having trouble with the pipe cutter,” says customer Chris Fernandes hearing Paul from the next aisle over.

“No,” says Chris’s wife Monica, “sounds more like someone’s hitting the sheet metal with a tack hammer.”

“I came around because I was thinking someone plugged in a power drill or something and was fucking around with it,” says assistant manager Jennifer Porter. “These people and their snot-gargling kid start asking me questions about installing ceiling fans or some such, and let me tell you they had dragged me all over this store by the time I was able to get away from them. Lord help me, and I only just stopped wearing the mask last week!”

[Editor’s note: Jennifer Porter could not be reached for further comment as she has not been to work this week due to some kind of protocol.]

“Well, we had a really nice time,” says Bonnie as she and her family exit the store which is sure to be short staffed for the next couple of weeks. “I’ve got a lot of good ideas for when we redo our bathroom!”

“Yeah, and next time I’ll NOT let you talk me out of getting that nail gun!” jokes Terrence.

Paul, around whom this whole trip was supposedly centered, coughs several times into his fist.

“Oh my god, they didn’t even buy nothing?!” says lot associate Sam Ashworth watching the family get in their car. “That is HILARIOUS!”

[Editor’s Note: We later learned that Ashworth has recently been quiet hired as sales associate and cashier given the store’s recent staff shortage. Congratulations, Sam! We hope working outside was worth it!]

While their jaunt to Home Depot is over, the family plans to keep the good times rolling with lunch at Golden Corral followed by a movie at the local Cinemark theater. Hopefully, after all that, young Paul will be feeling better as there’s nothing better for a possibly contagious illness than being out in a crowd of people!

[Editor’s note: We could not get a doctor to confirm the efficacy of this]