Customer Dog Whistles

Sometimes it could be hard to decipher what customers are trying to say, and not only because what they say is often incredibly stupid or nonsensical. There are certain phrases that customers like to use to get their point across, and they’re not always straight-forward. But fret ye not, for we are here to decode these phrases to help you understand what it is customers are really saying!

You may have heard the term “dog whistling” before, but we’re going to explain it anyway for those who haven’t. In essence, it means to say one thing out loud but remain quiet on what one is really trying to say in a way that only a select few would understand. Given that, we’re going to use the term “quiet whistling” to describe this behavior when utilized by our customers. You know what actually, that’s awful, we’re not going to call it that.

So quiet whistling is a very common practice among customers, and if you’ve worked in customer service for any amount of time you’ve probably heard your fair share of quiet whistles. While some of us are so well-versed in quiet whistling that we don’t need much help in figuring out what customers are trying to tell us when they quiet whistle, for those who may not be as seasoned, here’s a list of common quiet whistles and what they mean.

What they say: [approaches you and just starts talking with no greeting, preamble, “excuse me”, or anything]

What they mean: “I don’t see you as a person who deserves basic courtesy and possibly not as a person at all.”

They're basically implying that you might as well be store racking or a stain on the floor. Humans have a limited number of people they can even recognize as actually being human and they're not going to waste one of those slots on a lowly stock jockey. Sorry, their words, not mine.

What they say: “Do you work here?”

What they mean: “I’m either not very observant and/or so impolite I’m actively avoiding saying ‘excuse me’.”

This one’s just kind of a stupid thing to say. Or at least it makes the speaker seem stupid which in itself makes it a stupid thing to say. They could also be implying that because they have an unmet need that despite knowing that you do work here that you are not in fact working to their standards. It's actually fun to pretend you didn't think they were talking you and make them repeat it. Just never expect them to realize how rude and belittling this is.

What they say: *cough*cough*cough*cough*cough*cough*cough*cough*

What they mean: “I’m an inconsiderate prick and replacing my oven mitts is more important than the health and wellbeing of everyone else in this store.”

People have trouble believing others are as important as they are and, as a result, are incredibly inconsiderate of how their behavior affects other people if they even see other people as being worth half a crap or being human at all, the pricks.

What they say: "It's cheaper at [other store]."

What they mean: "I don't understand that stores aren't beholden to charge the same prices as each other."

They’re unwittingly supporting price fixing which they don't understand never ends well for consumers. Apologize that your store doesn't price match (unless they do) and move on.

What they say: [reads your name tag and uses your name]

What they mean: “I'm not like the other customers, I treat you with respect and I expect special treatment in return.”

Or maybe they just want to feel good about themself for being the one customer who sees you as a person. Either way, it reeks of virtue signaling. Just saying “excuse me” would put one streets ahead of most customers, no need for the empty gesture.

What they say: “Can I get some service here!?”

What they mean: “You should’ve already offered to assist me and it’s bullshit I even have to ask!”

Basically, this person is already pissed off and looking for a confrontation. Maybe a coworker snubbed them or they’re just upset that they haven’t been able to find someone up till now. Tread carefully with this one and don’t forget you already represent everything they’re mad about.

What they say: “The employees are just back there chitchatting.”

What they mean: “The workers of this establishment are taking respite from their toils via a personal conversation and I’m upset they didn’t jump to attention and fall over themselves to help the second I came into sight.”

The key here is the phrase “chit-chatting”. They love that one when they want you to know that they’re upset that they weren’t instantaneously the center of attention. This one applies to management as well, although in that context it’s more of a “any time spent not working is BULLSHIT!”. Seriously, my old boss said this all the time and this is always what she meant.

What they say: "I got it here before!” or “It was cheaper last time I was here!”

What they mean: "I fear change and lash out because change reminds me of my own mortality.”

Time makes fools of us all, but especially this customer. Go easy on them though, change isn't always easy to accept.

What they say: “Doesn’t scan? Must be free!”/”You look like you need something to do!”/”Working hard or hardly working?”/etc, etc, etc….

What they mean: “I’m lonely and seek validation from strangers. Please laugh.”

Just give them a chuckle. Not laughing may only encourage them to try again or destroy their already fragile ego. Sometimes a jibe back like “That gets funnier every time I hear it!” works, but try to save that for someone you’re sure can handle it as people this desperate for attention can often be fragile.

What they say: [spouting off irrelevant political take]

What they mean: “Nobody ever listens to me so I need a captive audience to feel heard.”

Pretty similar to the jokester, except that they’re not trying to be funny. Mainly they just have opinions they think need to be heard and you can’t really run away like everyone else. This is probably somebody’s uncle who can’t wait until next Thanksgiving to ruin someone's day with their hot takes. Seriously, for a generation that calls everyone else entitled, they sure forgot to learn that not everybody needs to hear their wrong opinions or shares their fucked up sense of morality.

What they say: [doing a loud comedy routine as they walk through the store]

What they mean: “I’m starved for attention. I need all eyes on me everywhere I go and I’m willing to make that everyone else’s problem!”

People talk a lot about cancel culture, but we really need to do something about roast culture. Not everything warrants a torrent of shitty witticisms or “shitticisms”. This person will pick any old target and rapid fire “jokes” in the hopes that one of them lands in lieu of being able to construct one joke that’s actually funny. Best to just ignore this one lest you end up as part of the routine.

What they say: “Can you check the back?”

What they mean: “I want the item so badly that I'm in denial about it being unavailable.”

Due to modern technologies and conveniences, the idea of anything less than immediate gratification is unthinkable. You can expect to see customers go through the five stages of grief when presented with the idea of not immediately being handed their desired product, and that first stage, of course, is denial. Now it’s your job to guide them through to the last stage of acceptance. Good luck!

What they say: “But the Internet said you have it!”

What they mean: "You're a liar, a filthy liar! My phone would never lie to me! Unlike you, you liar!”

A step beyond “check the back”, the “internet says” people are actively calling you a liar and implying you don't know your inventory as well as whatever site they're looking at (it's not beyond the realm of possibilities that it's an entirely different location or retail chain) or otherwise can't be bothered to help them. A fun variation of this is “but my friend said they saw it here”, like okay, but is your friend a sophisticated retail inventory system or just some idiot who may have been at the store across the road?

What they say: “You should smile more.”

What they mean: “Please kick me in the balls repeatedly and never stop kicking me in the balls.”

Seriously, the problem here is this guy hasn't been kicked in the balls enough. If you get in trouble just say he was asking for it.

What they say: "This is absolutely ridiculous!"

What they mean: "I don't like what's happening and I'm right at the edge of a total meltdown!”

This is the quintessential Karen dog whistle. If you hear this, be prepared to call a manager. Shit's about to go down.

What they say: “How are you going to make this right/make me whole?” or “What are you going to do for me/about this?”

What they mean: "I deserve compensation above and beyond what I'm actually owed for this small inconvenience.”

I say “small inconvenience” because if it was as major as they're making it out to be they'd already be compensated or talking to the police. Basically, they're telling you they're not leaving until they get what they want.

What they say: “I'm never shopping here again!”

What they mean: “I'll see you next week!”

If only they’d ever keep this promise….

What they say: "The money I spend here pays your salary!"

What they mean: "You are beholden to me and my every whim because I spent $16 here last year!”

This person sees their small expenditure as an investment in your very ass, and if you don't hop to attention at their beck and call they're gonna have a hissy.

What they say: "Can I speak to the manager?"

What they mean: "I'm an entitled asshole and you deserve to lose your job if I'm inconvenienced in the slightest. I WILL DESTROY YOUR WORLD AT THE SLIGHTEST PROVOCATION!”

'Nuff said.