Dammit, Mitch!

All our lives we’ve been told recycling would help save this planet for future generations. Now, with a climate crisis causing soaring temperatures and several once-a-millennium weather events a year, it seems that all that sorting and blue-binning has been for nothing. Perhaps it’s time we point the finger at who is REALLY responsible for causing these apocalyptic conditions: Some guy in Delaware named Mitch.

Mitch Tremont of Seaford, DE was going about his business one morning when the realization hit that he’d forgotten to put out the recycling.

“I was about to leave for work when I saw the bin there, overflowing in the kitchen,” says Mitch, “and I could see out the window that recycling had already been picked up, but not the regular trash.”

So at that point you would just leave the recycling in your garage and just wait for next week’s pickup, right Mitch?

“Well no,” Mitch admits, “I don’t really have the space to keep a full recycling load around, so I uh, I just kind of threw it into the regular trash pail.”

Oh Mitch, you’re killing me here.

“I seen him do it,” says neighbor Rose Mrazik, “and I’m proud to say I wasn’t afraid to take his picture and put it all over the neighborhood Facebook and up on the Nextdoor!”

It wasn’t long before the photography of Rose Mrazik, American hero, started to gain major attention and became evidence of one of the biggest crimes against humanity in all of history.

“One hundred percent of everything this Mitch guy dumped into the trash would’ve definitely been recycled, for sure, absolutely,” says Jennifer Lawson, President and CEO of Keep America Beautiful. “The reason the recycling symbols on the bottom of plastic containers are so easy to read and understand is to prevent stuff like this from happening.”

“Oh, there is no doubt about it,” says former NASA scientist and climatologist Roy Spencer, “Mitch Tremont’s actions have single handedly doomed this planet to an extinction-level climate disaster the likes of which the world has never seen. Yup, Mitch Tremont and nobody else.”

“Wait, hang one a minute,” pleads Mitch, “how is that even possible? It was just like a garbage bag’s worth of bottles and milk cartons and stuff! Climate change started happening like, I don’t know, fifty years ago?”

I don’t know about that, Mitch, but I live in Tampa and it’s in the mid-ninties here, so fuck you.

“We were on track to have 50% of our products in recycled plastic containers by 2030,” says Coca-Cola CEO James Quincey, “but not anymore, not now that Mitch Tremont decided that recycling isn’t all that important. Too bad, we could’ve used that old, stanky plastic. Guess we better keep making virgin plastic bottles. Good going, Mitch!”

“Yeah,” adds Nestle CEO and eco-warrior Mark Schnieder, “we can’t recycle anything if you don’t give it back to us, MItch, you selfish jerk!”

“I can’t believe we spent all that money on ads about all that stuff we did to help the environment for nothing!” says Darren Woods, CEO of ExxonMobil. “Ugh. So frustrating. Hey, did you know we actually falsely predicted climate change back in the seventies? I say ‘falsely’ because it never actually happened. Well, that is until Mitch Tremont decided to be a dick and not recycle. Boy, that Mitch sure boned us here, huh?”

“Mitch refusing to recycle is the biggest ecological disaster in the entire history of human industry,” says former BP CEO Tony Hayward.

“You know, we were GOING to divert all our resources into wind, solar, and other clean energy solutions,” says Charles Koch, chairman and co-CEO of Koch Industries, “but there’s no point now since Mitch went and irreparably damaged the planet’s ecosystem.”

It’s not just wealthy heads of fossil fuel and soft drink companies who are pissed at Mitch Tremont.

“I’ve been voting for democrats for years just so they’d fix these climate issues,” says Peter Miller, liberal social media influencer whose Twitter bio advises us to vote blue no matter who, “but this Mitch situation ties their hands so now they won’t, er, I mean can’t do anything about it. It really sucks, because I just know they were gonna real soon too!”

So as traffic lights melt, falling on the ground causes third-degree burns, and oceans become hot tubs filled with dead fish, we only have Mitch Tremont to blame.

“This is so unfair,” whines eco-terrorist Mitch Tremont, “I don’t see how all of the climate issues can be my fault. MAYBE a big chunk of garbage island and a few dead polar bears, but not ALL of it, you know?”

But things aren’t all that bad for Tremont, who deserves to have microplastics forcibly inserted into the head of his [unnecessarily graphic descriptions of violent and bizarre torture techniques deleted by editor] for the rest of his blood-shitting life.

“Yeah, people seem angry at me on social media and stuff,” says Bitch, oops, I mean Mitch, “and sometimes they’ll mention what a monster I am on certain news programs. But like, nobody has confronted me about it or anything. So okay, I did this horrible thing and people can plainly see that, but I don’t think anyone seems interested in holding me even partly responsible outside of talking shit on the internet, so it’s whatever. I guess the big lesson is that if I can ignore the verbal assault of people I’ll never see face-to-face then it doesn’t really matter what I do.”

Well, Mitch Tremont sure is a fucking asshole, but writing this article about him is about all the effort I can expel on the matter. I guess I’ll just sit here and wait for someone else to deal with him, which they definitely probably will perhaps some day maybe do for sure.