A Quarter Pounder with a Side of Lies

In an official statement, Center for Disease Control (CDC) director Mandy K. Cohen says that their announcement of a major E. coli outbreak centered around McDonald’s cheeseburgers is not a retaliation for presidential nominee Donald Trump’s recent publicity stunt at a Feasterville-Trevose, PA restaurant location but a legitimate outbreak event.

Legally, we have to say that she did not actually wink as the purposely misleading headline would suggest, it was just that some kind of insect had flown into her eye during the interview, but most people won’t read this far anyway.

“The event, which seems to be centered around the Colorado area,” says Cohen, “stems from tainted onions used in the chain’s Quarter Pounder burgers. Even though Mr. Trump handled the fries in a completely unsanitary way, it has nothing to do with this entirely separate incident.”

For those thankfully in the dark, and with apologies to those formally in the dark, the ex-president recently visited a McDonald’s restaurant in the swing state of Pennsylvania to serve fries without gloves and answer questions while leaning out of the drive-thru window. For some reason this is meant to be a flex on political rival Vice President Kamala Harris, whom he claims is lying about her former employment at the fast food chain. When we researched how that's supposed to work, the best we can come up with is “somehow”.

“Everything they do is always to ‘own the libs’,” says liberal podcaster Denise Birdbath. “I don’t know if I exactly feel owned by this though. Really all these recent events do is highlight two new reasons that McDonald’s is disgusting right up there with how they treat their workers and the quality of their food.”

“Oh my god, those libs were so owned,” says conservative YouTube influencer Derek Viceroy who pinky-promises he’s not a Russian asset. “That’s why their plants at the CDC, Commies for Disinformation Crimes, are pushing these lies. Just to do my part, I’ve eaten a Quarter Pounder every day this week, which is like a 50% increase in my normal McDonald’s consumption. Take that, shitlibs!”

Evidence of this claim can be seen on Viceroy’s YouTube channel where he posts a short every day of him downing a Quarter Pounder much in the way a boa constrictor might consume a possum.

Why “owning the libs” always ends with vociferous conservatives making themselves somehow sick is still a mystery. Seems kind of masochistic, but we're not here to kinkshame.

“I can’t stress it enough,” says Cohen, who probably now understands why Anthony Fauci turned down millions of dollars to leave goverment work forever, “that this is a legitimate health event and has nothing to do with politics.”

Be that as it may, we all know that certain talky-mouths have a tendency to make everything political during an election cycle.

Amidst the controversy, McDonalds, who certainly stands to gain from a second Trump administration’s likely stances on worker pay and corporate coddling, has informed the press and its franchisees that the fast good giant is not a political entity and in no way endorses Donald Trump for president. Wink.