Obligatory Egg Story

Shoppers at a Burbank Sir-Sav-A-Lot grocery store were shocked earlier this week to see the price of eggs rising yet again. None too happy about this development, the customers knew exactly where to lay the blame: squarely at the feet of a store employee.

“It’s that son of a bitch Joel again!” says local resident and loyal customer Gretchen Pyle, “up to his old tricks I see!”

“I tell that lady all the time, I don’t set the prices, I just work here,” says store employee Joel Toonder as he maliciously changes the shelf labels.

“Oh, just doing his job he says,” replies Gretchen sagely, “That’s just what the Nazis said!”

“Oh, him,” adds fellow customer Gerome Sheppe. “He’s always on some bullshit. He once tried to tell me I had to wear a mask to come in here like he’s never heard of freedom!”

“Again, that wasn’t my rule,” says Joel who’s too cowardly to own up to all the ways he’s oppressed his customers. “And it was more than four years ago at this point. Also I wasn't even working here then, we just all look alike to him.”

“This honestly isn’t at all surprising,” says Gretchen, “it’s such a Joel thing to do. He was jacking up prices willy-nilly all last year. Probably why his wife left him.”

“That has nothing to do with– wait, how do you even know about that!?”

While it seems to be common knowledge to all the Gretchens and Geromes of the Burbank Sav-A-Lot, less familiar customers who aren’t aware of Joel’s long reign of terror have been flitting in and out the department, but not without expressing their own outrage.

“Wait, he’s making the eggs cost how much now?” says one customer pushing a cart past the cooler. “Eggs!? Regular-ass chicken eggs and not like panda eggs or freshly-squozen mermaid caviar!?”

“It’s disgusting what this guy is doing,” says another customer watching Joel make his breakfast a little less affordable. “What’s he gonna raise the price of next, avocados?”

Joel takes a look at a clipboard he has on his cart but puts it down without answering the man’s question.

“Oh my god, is it avocados!?”

"He's a peepee face and a doodoo head!" says one small child from the seat of a shopping cart, much to the delight of his mother who reportedly offered him a checkout lane candy bar for the brave act of defiance. "And he eats his poop and then pees the bed and then peepees in his poopoo and smells like butt with pee on it, ha ha ha ha!"

Okay, kid, that's too far.

Even through customers’ pleas and justifiable insults about Joel’s hairline and inability to please a lover, he continues raising prices unabated as if the suffering of the residents of Burbank gives him some kind of sick, power-induced arousal.

“I have half a mind to follow him home tonight and egg his house,” says Gerome Sheppe of Joel, one of history's greatest monsters, “that is if I can even afford to!” 

“I don’t even make enough at this job to own my own house!” whines Joel.

“Good!” says Gerome, “now you know how we feel about the eggs!”

“WHAT!?”

With no end in sight to Joel’s ovular bastardry, we spoke with the Sir Sav-A-Lot manager as we’ve been informed (via that Gretchen woman) that it’s “the only way to get anything done around here”.

“What?” says manager Denis Hanson. “The eggs? Oh yeah, um… Joel, yes. Grr, what a jerk, huh? Ugh! I really wish there was something I could do to stop him, but unfortunately my hands are tied here, HR issue or something, I don’t know. Yeah, but man, so angry though! Why, Joel, why are you doing this to us!?”

In an attempt to get an answer for his crimes against humanity, we spoke to the man (if you can even call him that) himself.

“It's fine,” says Fuckface McGillicutty, oops, I mean Joel, “it's part of the job to absorb customers’ anger I guess. People can't be bothered to deal with the issue at its source so they need a scapegoat, you know? Kind of like they’d rather just kill the messenger.”

Joel does seem to make a good point once you step out of the angry mob of Grethens of Geromes and think about it rationally for a moment. It does make sense that a supermarket worker wouldn’t really have that kind of influence over pricing and that the real culprit of why the prices of eggs and other goods seem to keep going up is probably well above his pay grade. Maybe it’s time to look at the core of these issues, isolate their proper source, organize like-minded folks who they are also hurting, and take positive steps towards holding those actually responsible accountable for the purpose of effecting real social change for the benefit of us all.

Meh, that sounds like a pain in the ass actually, and Joel is like right there.

So if you find yourself at the Burbank Sir Sav-A-Lot, make sure to give Joel an extra middle finger from all us out here struggling to pay his high prices. Just don’t focus too much on the logic of it or you might end up with egg on your face, and lord knows you couldn’t afford that right now!