Friggin' Randy....

Randy Cavendish was recently promoted from floor staff to assistant manager of a Grand Rapids, Michigan area retailer. We have now confirmed through several staff members that Randy has totally changed and is being a complete dick.

“Guys, it’s not that big a deal,” says Randy, who’d probably prefer we call him Randall or Mr. Cavendish now. “I’m the same guy, I just have more responsibilities, but I’m still here to help, really!”

“Does he really have the audacity to make us call him ‘Mr. Cavendish’?” asks cashier Marcus Chaney. “Because that shit ain’t happening.”

“They can still call me ‘Randy’,” says Mr. Cavendish. “There’s no need to be formal. Mr. Cavendish is my father. Sorry, I know, so corny.”

“Oh my god, he’s like so pretentious now,” adds Chaney.

Mr. Cavendish started with the company as a stock associate two years ago and worked his way up to floor associate before putting in an application for the assistant manager position last month.

“It’s not much more than a keyholder position,” says Mr. Cavendish, trying to hide that he’s gone mad with power. “I’m still down on the floor, helping customers, doing go-backs, that kind of stuff. I have no desire to spend my shift behind a desk.”

“It’s weird how quickly he forgot where he came from,” says floor associate Wendy Landsman.

Since accepting the position, Randy’s attempts to “flex nuts”, as one associate puts it, have begun to alienate his former coworkers.

“He keeps calling us over the radio to say we have go-backs to do,” says Landsman. “He was on the floor staff like 9 days ago. He knows we know we have to do go-backs. It’s like 90% of the job, nobody’s going to forget they have to do go-backs!”

“When I was on closing shifts,” says that asshole Mr. Cavendish, “we were always getting tied up at the end of the night with go-backs. I just thought if we got on it earlier we could all get out of here like 15, 20 minutes early.”

“Oh boy,” says Landsman, “here come the staff cuts….”

“Or course,” continues Mr. Cavenbitch (oh my god, I hope that catches on), “if everyone would rather work their full shifts as scheduled, that’s fine too.”

Forcing the staff to stay late and do go-backs isn’t the end of Mr. Cavendish’s reign of terror.

“Randy tried to tell me the time off request I put in was denied,” says stock associate Sonja Whitlock “and I had put that in before he was even manager!”

“I was only asking,” says Mr. Cavendouche (okay, that one’s not as good), “if Sonja had worked out with the other stockers who was going to cover her department. I’m sure we can handle it though and hope she enjoys her vacation. She’s earned it!”

“Fuck that,” says Whitlock. “He better remember who trained his puppy ass way back when because he’s gon’ be stocking these shelves him-damn-self while I’m down sunning myself in Jamaica, feel me?”

“That would actually work,” says Mr. Cavendish, probably trying to make Sonja feel guilty, the shitass. “I wouldn’t mind a few early shifts and to do a little stock work. Like old times!”

“Yo, and he’s gotta chill with the scheduled bathroom breaks,” adds Chaney. “I can’t tell my body to schedule a dookie at 12:50pm. It wants to dookie when it wants to dookie!”

“Okay, I never told anyone they couldn’t use the bathroom when they wanted,” lies Cavendish.

Well, for better or worse (probably worse), the staff seems to be stuck with Mr. Cavendish for the foreseeable future. Perhaps the store is too desperate to leave the position unmanned or the general manager is too chill and awesome to offer up any real discipline. Either way, Mr. Cavendish is in charge now.

“I told you, you can just call me Randy.”

What a dick.