Untitled Generation-Baiting Article for the Purpose of Driving Social Media Engagement (2024 Editor's Pick)

As more and more of Gen Z enters the workforce every day, recruiters are finding that their own jobs have grown increasingly frustrating. As the most online and well-informed generation of laborers, Zoomer candidates tend to be keenly aware of their rights and are not as easily duped into positions where they can be taken advantage of. This is of course a disaster for job recruiters looking for candidates willing to play ball instead of rocking the boat by doing things like demanding fair treatment, discussing salaries, and pointing out mixed metaphors.

To gain insight on this vexatious phenomenon, we invited three job recruiters to join us for a round table discussion of how this younger generation is pissing in the applicant pool.

Josh Campbell is a job recruiter for up-and-coming tech company Kwackerz. Campbell is currently pursuing candidates for coding positions for their kid-friendly software that will let children video-chat as their favorite farm animals. When asked whether this is derivative of facial filters on apps like SnapChat or TikTok he assures us that this is “totally different” and that hirees “definitely won’t be laid off in a year and replaced by AI, but no I won’t put that in writing”. The second quote was unprompted.

Dean Benham is the hiring manager of a large logistics center for retail giant Priced Less. Benham tells us that he is constantly interviewing people to unload, unpack, move, repack, and reload merchandise for what he describes as a “fair wage” ($13 an hour with few benefits). He says he is currently seeking workers willing to do “what they’re told when it’s told to them” and is not interested in hiring any “namby-pamby vegans who wouldn’t know a hard day’s work if it triggered their peanut allergy”. When asked if he’d classify his staffing situation as a “revolving door” he said “no” and left it at that.

Meredith Savin is the manager of a coffee shop or something and I guess does the hiring.

After an ice-breaking game of Two Truths and a Lie (Campbell has two dogs, not three, ha ha!) we began our interview.

What challenges have you faced in the hiring process over the last five years or so?

Campbell: “It’s hard to find people with the right credentials these days. For example, I put out my ad on Indeed that I’m seeking coders with a minimum bachelor’s degree, master’s preferred, with no less than eight years experience and at least half of that managing a team. I also ask for examples of three fully-functional apps they’ve already created and four professional or educational references with confirmation that they’re being sincere and not just doing the candidate a favor. Doesn’t seem too much to ask, but you’d be surprised how few applicants we actually get. And on top of that, the ones who do get through the AI screener don’t even meet that criteria more often than not! It’s like we’re being punished for having standards!”

Benham: “All I really ask is that the people who want to work here be completely able-bodied and not looking to get like married or pregnant or anything, you know, stick with the job for the long haul without taking long leaves on us.”

Savin: “Yeah, you shouldn’t be asking people stuff like that. I mean, I’m pretty sure it’s illegal anyway, but just from a moral standpoint it’s really not okay.”

Benham: “Yeah, see, that’s the kind of lamebrained garbage we’re up against out here. I’m sure you make a lot of soy lattes at that coffee house.”

Campbell: “Oooo, diss!”

Savin: “I’m just saying, those aren’t things you should be asking your candidates.”

Alright, settle down, Meredith. Expanding on this issue, what challenges would you say you’re facing in regards to Gen Z applicants?

Campbell: “These kids are incredibly entitled. One last week has the audacity to ask me how much they’d be getting paid. Oh, are you already discussing salaries? Sorry, but that kind of thing doesn’t fly at this organization, good day!”

Benham: “I had one applicant ask to use the bathroom during an interview. I got so angry I got up and punched a hole in the wall. Which was unfortunate because the position we were hiring for was in Maintenance. So now I have to ask another applicant to fix it as part of their interview, and I'd give pretty good odds they’re going to give me crap about it. Ridiculous.”

Savin: “I don’t feel like either of those applicants were unreasonable.”

Okay then, so how do you feel Gen Z applicants differ from older generations?

Savin: “I mean, maybe they are more likely to ask about pay or benefits, but I personally feel it’s better to be upfront about that stuff. When you’re not you just end up wasting your own time and the applicant’s time. Nobody wins.”

Fellas, what do you think?

Benham: “They should be more worried about finding a job at all and be grateful for the chance, the pay is what it is. And benefits? Benefits is that you do your job and you get paid for it.”

Campbell: “Yeah, you don’t want people working for you who only care about what’s in it for them and not the good of the company.”

Sorry, Marybeth, you’ve been outvoted.

Savin: “It’s ‘Meredith’, and outvoted for what? I was just expressing my opinion.”

Campbell: “Ha ha ha, your opinion matters less than ours!”

Benham: “Don’t worry, sweetheart, if you listen to us you may actually learn something about talent recruitment today.”

Savin: “This is so stupid. And I have no problem finding competent people who are happy to work for us.”

Benham: “If your employees are happy then you’re not managing very good.”

Savin: “I disagree.”

Benham: “And that’s why you’re wrong.”

Savin: “Oh my God….”

I guess you’ll just have to agree to disagree, Marily.

Campbell: “Can we get back on the topic of talking shit about Gen Z applicants? That was fun.”

Savin: “I don’t see how that would be relevant.”

Mr. Campbell actually makes a good point, we should get back to the topic at hand.

Savin: “So is that what we’re doing here!? And who is even running this interview at this point?”

Okay, so I’ve temporarily muted Whatshername’s window. Oh yeah, for the readers, we’ve been on Zoom this whole time.

Campbell: “Noice.”

Benham: “You can’t see our other windows, right? I’m not also watching porn, I was just wondering.”

No, but we can hear it. Anyway, would you guys like to take this opportunity to make some sweeping generalizations about interviewing Gen Z with the goal of creating sensational headlines in order to facilitate ad revenue?

Benham: “Boy would I!”

Campbell: “Hells yeah, that’s the only reason I even agreed to do this [slur that starts with the letter R removed by editor] interview!”

Okay then, have at it!

Campbell: “I can’t tell you how frustrating it is interviewing these kids. Half of them don’t even know what Hogwarts house they’d belong to. They don’t give you anything to go on!”

Savin: “So you know I can just unmute myself, right?”

Benham: “And it’s like, yeah, okay, you want this job so bad but you’re not willing to work a week unpaid as a trial period first? Fuck outta here with that!”

Savin: “Again, illegal.”

Campbell: “Also, I’d say probably 1 in 5 of them bring their mom to the interview with them too!”

Wow, 1 in 5? So that’s 20% of all Gen Z applicants. Can you verify that figure?

Campbell: “Well honestly, I was kind of exaggerating a bit in the moment there. It maybe happened once or twi–”

OH MY GOD, DO YOU BELIEVE THAT!? THAT’S A VERIFIED FACT THAT 20% OF GEN Z JOB APPLICANTS BRING MOMMY TO THEIR JOB INTERVIEW!

Savin: “Did the moms come in or just wait outside?”

Campbell: “Just waited outside.”

Savin: “Yeah, that’s just a thing that happens. Not everybody has a car, especially young people. Sometimes their parents drive them to the interview and wait for them, it’s not a big deal.”

Maybe you have a decent point, but we’re farther into the interview than anybody will ever read so whatever.

Savin: “Fantastic.”

Any final thoughts from this veritable brain trust?

Benham: “The biggest problem we’re facing right now is retirement. If we can just get people to stop retiring then we can give ourselves a few fair years before we even have to worry about having to hire these bedwetters. Come to think of it, maybe a good, long stint of being homeless will bless them with gratitude and eagerness to work for a damn living!”

Savin: “Brilliant.”

Campbell: “Can I just take this opportunity to say what’s up to my homies Luscious Pubes Jackson and Jerry The Disease Dugan?

Savin: “You got some real titans of industry assembled here.”

Okay, that’s enough… you. Any last words?

Savin: “Yeah. You seem to be running a clickbait mill disguised as a genuine news source and it makes me sad that people take you seriously. Furthermore, fuck you.”

Wow, real mature. Well, the jokes on you because I’m not even going to print that last quote!

[Editor’s note: This interview was transcribed from a Zoom meeting by an AI bot that didn’t realize it wasn’t supposed to print that last quote]