Hess They Did

As we wend our way through autumn and approach the ever-looming holiday season, there is one constant we can always rely on: That this year’s Hess truck will soon be here, much to the delight of children all across America who love toys based on industrial vehicles and corporate branding. This year’s model, however, might be hauling in a load of controversy along with its usual holiday joy….

For those unfamiliar with the “Hesstory”, the first Hess toy truck was introduced in 1964 as a replica of Hess’s B61 Mack Trucks and were sold exclusively at the company’s own gas stations. Since then, Hess has released a new toy truck or vehicle every year. Each October Hess announces the design of that year’s truck to much fanfare, and this year promises to be no different. 

Well, maybe a little different.

“We love that kids love our trucks and look forward to them every year,” says John Hess, CEO of Hess Corp, “and that includes all kids. So this year, just to show how committed we are that every child is allowed and encouraged to enjoy our toy trucks, we’re releasing a truck with a decal on the trailer of the progress pride flag.”

Yes, as Hess Corp’s marketing materials confirm, fans of the annual Hess truck can expect to find the pride decal on their toy this Christmas. As this is a children’s item celebrating diversity and inclusion, many grown adults obviously have loud opinions about it.

“They’re always trying to find ways to pander to the LGBT community,” says Len Johnson, a plumber from Noblesville, Indiana, “which is why I’m glad they chose the progress flag. That way everyone’s included, no matter how they identify!”

“Guess Hess is woke now,” says realtor Becky Masters of Dunedin, Florida, “and you know what that means: You better get that truck early ‘cause they’re definitely gonna sell out fast this year!”

“Little queer boys should be playing with dolls!” says Eugene Hinkle, owner of a car dealership in Midland, Texas. “Or trucks! Or anything else they wanna play with! No toy is just for one kind of kid and as a red-blooded, meat-eatin’, gun-shootin’ American I think that’s beautiful and the kind of freedom this country was founded on!”

While it’s unsurprising that this particular demographic is reacting this way, others don’t share their attitude.

“Teaching our kids to be inclusive and accepting of others is very important,” says fourth-grade art teacher Benni Ferrin of Torrance, California, “but putting pride imagery on a toy truck is in no way appropriate! I don’t need Hess grooming my kids into becoming truckers!”

“It’s great to see the queer and trans community be recognized and celebrated in this country,” says Avrill Sherr, a blue-haired barista from Chicago, “but can’t we do that without having the trucker ideology crammed down our throats!?”

“Oh my gawd, I am going to buy so many of these trucks!” says Bo Chait, a social worker in New York City, “just so I can burn them! The trucker lifestyle is unnatural and we shouldn’t be letting big corporations normalize it to our children! Boycott Hess!”

No matter what you are on the political spectrum; a lover of the new Hess truck design, a hater, or even one of those centrists who’s just like “whatever, I don’t care, it’s just a toy”; the Hess truck is coming to a gas station near you (assuming you have a Hess station nearby) to either delight or confound you this Christmas season. Also I think you can just order one online.

However you feel, just keep in mind that they are definitely releasing a Hess truck with a pride flag decal this year and you should go react to that news on social media right away!