High Priorities

A stoned customer in a Milford, CT Circle K convenience store seems to be nearing a decision on what snacks to purchase, say several sources currently at the scene.

The man, who has declined to provide his name or possibly didn’t realize we’re talking to him, entered the store some time ago and has been firmly planted in the snack aisle ever since.

“People are usually in and out so quickly,” says cashier Jacob Woolley, “so when someone’s standing there for five, ten, fifteen minutes, it’s noticeable.”

When asked exactly how long he’s been in the store the customer noted, never taking his eyes off the snacks, “I don’t know, feels like a while. Like maybe I’ve ALWAYS been here, like all you have is this one moment and in this moment I’m here, so…”

“I just came in for a couple scratchers,” says regular customer Dom Zelnick, “and that boy was just standing there, staring at those chips like they was some plump-assed goddess. So I been watching while I do my scratchers. Won $7 so far!”

“I don’t know what’s worse,” says Diane Conway who has just gassed up her car and is now purchasing a Snapple iced tea and a pack of Wrigley’s, “the guy standing there reeking of pot or the crap coming out of the mouth of this sexist asshole at the lotto counter.”

“Daddy, what’s wrong with that man?” asks a child who is rushed out of the store by her father after he puts $7 on pump 4.

“He’s gotta be getting pretty close now,” says Woolley.

So far the customer has picked up and put back packages of jalapeno Cheetos, pepperoni pizza Combos, peanut M&Ms, salt and vinegar Wise potato chips, orange-flavored Hostess cupcakes, a Slim Jim, pistachios, barbecue pork rinds, Raisinettes, and a Chunky bar.

“So like one sweet and one salty,” he mutters to himself, “and like a crunchy and a chewy…”

When asked why they simply don’t rush the customer to make a decision or leave, shift manager Jay Sampat says “You kidding? Guys like this are the industry’s bread and butter. Yeah, it’s weird and off-putting and some other customers are going to be freaked out, but at the end of the day he’s going to purchase a shitload of overpriced snack foods, enough to cover Jacob’s whole salary for the night!”

“Holy shit, that’s so depressing,” says Woolley from the cash register.

As we all observe, the customer reaches out, his hand pausing just before the row of snacks, his mouth agape.

“Oh my god,” says Woolley. “I think this is it!”

Zelnick looks up from his strip of scratchers to see.

The customer says the name of each item out loud as he moves snacks to his basket: “Okay. Start with a meat stick, spicy extra thick. Yeah, that one. Then a king-sized Twix. Alright, I need a crunchy chip thing, um… shit….”

“I think he’s stalled out,” says Zelnick.

“No, just give him a second,” says Woolley, “he knows what he wants. Come on, buddy….”

“Pizza flavor Pringles, yeah. That’s a good crunchy and Sour Patch Kids for the chewy and the orange cupcakes for dessert. Yeah, I think that’ll do it….”

“Oh my god,” says Woolley. “That’s it. He’s done it!”

“Such a beautiful moment,” says Zelnick. “I’m so glad I was here.”

Woolley straightens up, ready to ring out the man’s purchase. But the man doesn’t walk towards the register.

“Oh, come on, buddy,” says Woolley, “don’t fuck with me now.”

Instead, he goes in the opposite direction, to the drinks cooler.

“Okay,” he says to himself, “what to drink…?”