ICE'd Out

In the first time since the covid pandemic, which has totally ended by the way, job seekers currently outnumber job listings. When job markets get this bad, people sometimes turn to expos known as job fairs where completely scrupulous employers seeking discerning employees can set up a booth and hire workers en masse. But is it possible that a recent addition to the recruiter roster can disrupt this delicate ecosystem?

Victor Barlow is an organizer for the Working Tampa Bay job fair which is going on right now in a hotel ballroom in Brandon, Florida. He tells us this year the fair has an exciting new employer looking to hire.

“It’s hard right now to find companies looking to take on multiple people,” Barlow informs us, “which is why we’re so excited that ICE has set up shop with us!”

Yes, it turns out that one of the only employers hiring in the region this year is The US Immigration and Customers Enforcement department, also known as ICE.

“Oh, ICE is a wonderful opportunity for job seekers,” says Barlow. “The pay starts at 50k and only goes up from there. There’s also a sizable signing bonus, great benefits, and almost zero education or age requirements. With literally hundreds or even thousands of open positions, it really is the only game in town for people of a certain demographic.”

But not everyone is as excited by ICE’s presence.

“I don’t like it,” says Billy Stone, who frequently runs a booth at Working Tampa Bay job fairs, “I don’t like it one bit!”

Stone is in charge of applicant outreach for the local branch of EmSurance, a multi-level marking (MLM) firm, which offers supplemental unemployment insurance and is regularly seeking “partners” who aren’t afraid of working solely on commission, that is after working off the debt incurred from the required training courses plus any interest accrued on said debt.

“What they’re doing is totally disgusting,” says Stone. “It’s like they’re preying on all the pathetic weirdos and taking advantage of their desperation and lack of morality. And the worst part is they’re not leaving any for the rest of us!”

“I heard they’re actually offering salaries, benefits, and sign-on bonuses,” says Brianna Russo, a recruiter for Oils Well Essential Oils. “Like, they’re not even taking application fees or asking for an initial investment for the first sample kits or whatever they have. What kind of operation are they even running over there!?”

“It’s a totally immoral way of doing business,” says Paul Cain who runs the booth for Aflac. “We can't survive if the well of idiots dries up. Just leave some suckers for the rest of us, bro, damn!”

Unfortunately for the MLM recruitment community, ICE and their enticing hiring campaign aren’t going anywhere.

“We just hope people know what they’re getting into,” says Billy Stone of EmSurance. “While it may seem enticing, would you really want a job where people don’t respect you and scoff at your presence or would you rather be cold-calling potential investors to get in on the lucrative supplemental insurance market?”

“Seriously,” adds Brianna Russo. “It’s like, a lot of people might hate essential oil salespeople, but at least I don’t have to wear a mask to work. Although sometimes I think I should so the smell stops burning my nostrils, but not because of shame!”

“More like job unfair!” adds Paul Cain of Aflac.

So if you’re in the area and looking for a job, be sure to check out Working Tampa Bay’s latest job fair for amazing opportunities that take full advantage of your desperation, lack of morality, and willingness to debase yourself at the whim of an evil, soulless entity that only cares that the people at the top get rich while the people at the bottom suffer. And I honestly don’t know which of the recruiters I’m referring to right now.