Joe'ver Stocked

Two constants of our capitalist system on which we can always depend are a two-party political system designed to keep us at each other’s throats and merchandise-related fads. In the modern era of sports-like fandom disguised as political discourse, the two have become intertwined like a Beanie Baby commemorating 9/11 or that one Furby that wore a Monica Lewinsky dress. But as yet another fad comes to an abrupt end, we’re left with one question: Where does all that worthless merchandise go now?

Thrift store managers wish they didn’t know the answer to that question.

“Ever since Joe Biden announced he’d be stepping down,” says Rowan Bradley, manager of New Old Threads thrift shop in Toms River, New Jersey, “we’ve been completely inundated with donations of those stupid ‘Let’s Go Brandon’ shirts.”

For those of you blissfully unaware, “Let's Go Brandon” is a euphemism used by Conservatives meaning “Fuck Joe Biden” for reasons as stupid as they are moronic.

“We tried putting them out in a big cardboard box for a dollar each,” says assistant manager Ryan Haines, “and they just didn’t move. So we went down to fifty cents, and so on and so on, until we were finally selling them two for a nickel and they still weren’t moving!”

“We hate to throw anything away,” adds Bradley, “and a lot of these shirts are in great condition, some of them look like they’ve only been worn once or twice, probably on a Sunday afternoon outing to Cracker Barrel and Home Depot. And I honestly don’t know if I’d even be comfortable donating something so politically charged to the unhoused. They get enough abuse from passersby as it is, you know?”

“Miss Bradley keeps hoping somebody will come in and buy these things,” says Haines, “but I can’t help but worry that customers will see them here and think we’re one of those stores.”

What kind of store is Haines referring to? For that, we travel across town to Toms River Mall and visit the aptly named Let's Go Brandon Store.

“I'll tell you one thing,” says proprietor Paul Miller, “this stuff about Biden dropping out is for shit!”

Miller, who has owned and operated the small storefront since 2020, says he still has thousands of “Let's Go Brandon” tee shirts in stock, along with other miscellaneous merchandise bearing the slogan, that now have little chance of selling.

“Business was booming up until this weekend,” says Miller, “but not so much once Sleepy Joe woke up and smelled the ‘I’m-too-old-for-this-shit’. I got the shirts deep discounted, but they're not selling like they used to. Then I got this big shipment of ‘Fuck Joe Biden’ truck flags coming in this week that I guess I'm just stuck with now!”

Miller, who quit his job as a preschool teacher to open The Let's Go Brandon Store, fears the impact of Biden’s decision may ruin him financially.

“This store is my livelihood,” continues Miller, “but now I don't know if I can pay the rent on it this month. I got Spirit Halloween breathing down my neck already. I'll tell you, just another way Joe Brandon screws over the small businessman!”

There is, however, still a small smattering of customers milling around the shop. We asked what they'll be doing with their shirts now that “Brandon” is no longer campaigning.

“I'm saving mine,” says Rand Lawtey, “for when Hunter runs against Ivanka in 2032.”

“I went to one of those websites I seen on the Instagram,” says Tippie Keen, “and I’m having all mine turned into a commemorative quilt. You know, to remember all the good times we had.”

Awww, that's sweet. Maybe the real Brandons were the friends we made along the way.

“I ain't never gonna stop wearing mine,” says Dave Colliar. “They're souvenirs of when we told Brandon to go and then he went!”

Oh wow, didn't realize I was talking to a billionaire donor to the Democratic Party! How do you do, Mr. Soros?

“I was just in to ask Paul when he thinks he might get some of the new Kam-a-la stuff in,” says Margie Dorst. “I'm really hoping for some shirts about how she's such a [several degrading slurs for promiscuous women and coordinating adjectives removed by editor].”

Unfortunately for Paul Miller though, many of the customers in the store are here to return recently (and some not so recently) bought merchandise.

“I tried to stop giving out refunds,” says Miller, “but you'd be surprised how much overlap there is between people who buy right-wing merchandise and people who scream at managers at a professional level.”

Well, not that surprised.

Miller has already donated several boxes of Let’s Go Brandon merch to various thrift stores as he lacks the storage space for the backstock.

“I just don't know what else to do with it,” he admits. “Maybe use it for the real Brandon guy from the thing the chant was from? What was he, a baseball player?”

Racecar driver I think.

“Yeah, yeah, that could work….”

Well, unless there's a heretofore unknown pocket of Brandon Brown fans in the Toms River area, things don't look good for Paul Miller and his ilk. And of course, thrift stores are left to pick up the slack hastily crammed into their donation bins.

“We've already tried instituting a ‘no political merchandise’ rule,” says Rowan Bradley, manager of New Old Threads, “but people just leave whatever they want and run off before we can check it.”

“Yeah,” adds assistant manager Ryan Haines, “and a lot of these people are seasoned veterans at berating retail managers into submission.”

Yeah, we’ve heard.

“We’re trying to come up with some creative solutions,” says Bradley. “For instance, we found out there's a town in Florida called Brandon and they even have a Brandon High School! We thought maybe we can send them the shirts to shore up some school spirit or something!”

“Yes, we've received several bulk donations of ‘Let's Go Brandon’ shirts,” says Brandon High principal Jeremy Klein. “We're thinking maybe in a couple of years, once the vulgar and political meaning has long been forgotten we may be able to use them for our sports programs. Go Eagles!”

Well that's something!

So as Biden leaves the race and the “Let's Go Brandon” meme finally, mercifully dies out, you may still be able to see these shirts at Brandon Eagles home games, being worn by children in third world countries, and of course, in the bargain bins at thrift shops all across the country.