Life After Jeff

Even as Annabelle Paige, assistant manager for retailer Kessler’s All-In-One in Sarasota, Florida, walked into work she could already tell something was wrong. A gaggle of customers waited outside a store that should’ve opened hours ago, yelling to be let inside. Upon entering, Paige saw that things weren’t much better in the store itself: pallets of unstocked merchandise blocked the aisles, associates gathered in circles animatedly discussing something in hushed tones while others sat on the floor with their knees pulled to their chests, random trash and detritus was scattered everywhere, a manager paced frantically shouting into his phone.

Paige approached a sales associate and asked what had happened. The associate responded with the worst possible answer they could have given:

“Jeff didn’t come in today.”

It’s an unthinkable scenario, the kind of thing you always knew COULD happen but pushed the idea to the back of your mind. Of course the store was in shambles, Jeff wasn’t there! Jeff!

“He just up and quit,” says store manager Randall Giordano, whose messy hair, disheveled clothing, and panicked tones tell of his distraughtness. “Of all the things that could go wrong, Jeff quitting is the absolute worst. I have no earthly clue how we’re ever going to get by without him.”

“There’s no point in trying to get any of this done,” says stock supervisor Channing Brewer, considering the many pallets clogging the store aisles, “not without Jeff.”

Cashier Josh Cappiello stares at his POS screen in confusion. “How the hell am I supposed to work this thing without Jeff here?”

“Well, Jeff’s was the only authority I even recognized in this place,” says part-time sales associate Paul Nolan who has been in the breakroom, clocked in, for several hours. “Why in the hell should I do anything now, who’s gonna make me?”

“So Jeff doesn’t work here anymore?” says customer Barbara Wright, still waiting outside for the store to open. “Well, if that’s the case then I think I’d just rather shop somewhere else.”

“This really sucks,” says sales associate Maria Lynn with fresh tears in her eyes. “I can’t believe he’d quit before I could tell him that I’m in love with him.”

“He always said he was going to quit one day,” says Jasper Hickman who worked closely with Jeff, “I just prayed that day would never actually come.”

At the time of theses interviews, “#BringBackJeff” had begun to trend on Twitter.

When we reached out, Jeff himself would not comment on the situation as he feels this publication is beneath him and, honestly, he’s not wrong.

[Editor’s Note: You had to no right to bother Jeff with this and I expect an apology letter to Jeff and your resignation on my desk by day’s end]

“I just don’t see what the big deal is,” says Lance Feldman, vice president of retail operations at All-In-One’s corporate office, “it’s just one employee. How can one store cease to function… Wait a second… You’re not talking about Jeff, are you? Oh fuck, oh no, that’s not good. In fact it’s terrible. Okay, this interview is over, get out!”

In the following hours, All-In-One’s stock value mysteriously plummeted.

“After I found out,” says store manager Giordano back in his office. “I went to his apartment and begged him, literally got on my knees and begged him to come back. I cried and everything!”

But Jeff could not be swayed to return.

“I’ll tell you one thing,” adds Giordano, “I always knew Jeff could run this store better than me and it was the fear of the workers figuring that out that kept me from promoting Jeff all these years. Oh, what a small man I am! And now he’s gone and everybody’s going to know anyway.” He looks towards the heavens and shouts “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED JEFF?! FOR PEOPLE TO SEE WHAT A FRAUD I AM?!”

It seems that without Jeff, the Sarasota All-In-One is doomed to fail.

“There’s no possible way I think we can cope with this devastating loss,” says Girodano. “We’ll never recover from this. Might as well burn the place down for all the good it’ll do trying to get by without Jeff.”

Just then, assistant manager Annabell Paige pops her head into the office.

“Hey, Randy,” she says, “Seth and Amber were looking to pick up some hours, so they’d be willing to cover Jeff’s tasks while we hire a permanent replacement. Shouldn’t take more than a couple of weeks.”

“Oh,” says Giordano perking up, “that’ll work! Forget everything else I said, let’s just do that!”