Estrange Her in a Changed Plan (2024 Editor's Pick)

Most retailers usually have about five or six different scams running at any given time meant to vex or confuse their patrons. At least, that’s what customers like Nancy Kovacs would have you believe. However, no longer content to keep her complaints confined to her closest friends and family, several hundred Facebook group members, and literally anyone too polite to not just walk away from her, Nancy is set on a course to expose one retail chain for one of the most egregious conspiracies against their customers: Hostile layout changes.

“Every time I go in there,” says Nancy Kovacs of Gastonia, NC, “they’ve rearranged the damn place so I can’t find anything! It’s infuriating!”

The “there” Nancy refers to is big-box retailer All-In-One, a massive store that, perhaps hyperbolically, claims to sell everything all in one place. Oh! I just got that! Anyway, as you can imagine, finding what you want could be a bit of a chore if you don’t know exactly where to go.

“And once you get used to where everything is,” adds Nancy, “is when they change it up on you! It’s so ridiculous!”

We walked the store for a bit with Nancy so she could show us exactly what she means.

“This used to be the Cookware department over here,” she says, “and now it’s Home Decor. Cookware’s over on the other side of the store in the new Kitchens department that came from combining Cookware and Appliances which used to be part of Electronics. Last time I came in I saw bed sheets and duvet covers swapped sides of the Bedding aisle and now they’ve switched back for some reason. And way, way in the back they’ve got the Outdoors department and they took the wheelbarrows out and moved them to Hardware and then moved the entire Hardware department to where Automotive was and Automotive is god only knows where. It’s exhausting!”

The way she explains it certainly does seem exhausting, but most retail workers will tell you there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation.

What customers like Nancy don’t know is that there is a science and process behind how stores are set up and why they sometimes make changes to the layout. In the industry it’s referred to as “planography”. [Editor’s note: No it’s not]

For better insight on this process, we spoke with Jareth Dobbs, head of the Layout and Communications team at the Gastonia All-In-One.

“Okay, so first of all, I have no idea what ‘planography’ is, I don’t think it’s a real word,” says Dobbs [Editor’s note: Told ya!], “but we do follow very precise and meticulously planned designs when laying out a store. Things like wallet-openers that encourage customers to start buying, price ladders that start customers at the lower-cost goods and get them to start filling a cart before they hit the big-ticket items, and steering them towards the high-profit merchandise. It’s a complicated process and we put a lot of thought and effort into it. I assure you, we don’t mess with the layout haphazardly.”

So would frequent changes to that layout be part of that process?

“Yes, definitely,” says Dobbs. “Sometimes it’s trial and error to increase sales in one particular area or just to refresh so everything seems new to customers.”

Oh, like how if you rearrange an aquarium so the fish think they’re somewhere new even though all you did was move their stuff around!

“Yes!” says Dobbs. “Exactly like goldfish!”

Well, there you have it. Customers are basically goldfish and there’s nothing malicious about a store rearranging its merchandise. Case closed!

“Oh wait, are you talking about Nancy Kovacs?” asks Dobbs. “Because we rearrange the store just to fuck with her all the time!”

Yup, just like I said, case clo– WHAAAAAA!?

“Oh yeah, it’s hilarious!” says Dobbs. “We’ll rearrange practically the whole store just to see the look on her face when she comes in and sees the layout changed. It’s really funny.”

“One time she threw this huge hissy fit because we moved the wheelbarrows,” says merchandiser Janelle Soan, “and then it turned out she didn’t even want to buy one, she was just upset that we moved them! Oh man, we laughed at that one for like a week!”

“I think it’s kind of messed up,” says maintenance worker Miles Dahir, “but I don’t want them to think I’m not a team player, so when they think Nancy’s coming in I just hit the sales floor and start dismantling racking!”

“Seems kind of immature and a little cruel,” says general manager Hank Asdorian, “but I’m not one to turn my nose up at anything that increases employee morale without pay raises!”

“I wasn’t a big fan of hearing that the staff here were tormenting some poor customer,” says Gina Borel, the store’s Human Resources rep, “but it is really inspiring to see the entire team come together to accomplish a single goal like that. That kind of teamwork is like crack to HR. I can only dream of designing a team-building exercise as good as torturing Nancy. I guess all it takes to bring a team together is a scapegoat you’re willing to sacrifice for the common good!”

Wow, it’s a good thing political bad actors haven’t figured out this whole scapegoating thing yet! And speaking of teamwork, how exactly does the team make this work?

“Oh, it takes a lot of planning,” says Jareth Dobbs. “We usually get right to work once Nancy visits so we can have the store good and rearranged for the next time she comes in. We also have a lot of little changes we can implement on the fly in case she comes in without warning and frequently have Nancy Preparedness Drills where we have a mock Nancy visit to make sure everyone is ready to disorient her at a moment's notice.”

It’s truly inspiring that the staff of the Gastonia All-In-One has been able to come together and pull off such a feat. Well, inspiring to all except of course Nancy Kovacs.

“I seriously can’t find anything in this store,” says Nancy as we walk past the Ladies’ Footwear. “I swear sometimes it feels like they’re doing this just to mess with me!”

Oh yeah, we didn’t tell her. It really is kind of funny.

We walk ahead to Women’s Clothing. Nancy looks around for a bit, but apparently doesn’t find what she’s looking for.

“I needed to pick up some socks,” she says. “Maybe back in–”

She turns around to go back the way we came, toward Ladies’ Footwear, but instead finds herself facing a row of shelves containing toddler toys.

“Hmm, that’s weird,” she says, turning back expecting to follow the aisle back to Clothing, only to find her path is now blocked by shelves of novelty children’s pranks (whoopie cushions and stuff like that).

“I could’ve sworn… No, nevermind, that would be too crazy.”

From behind the prank shelf I can swear I hear the squeak of a shoe on the floor and wonder if…. You know what, Nancy’s right, forget it.

“I wouldn’t worry too much about Nancy,” says Jareth Dobbs, who we spoke to one more time before departing the scene. “She always finds what she needs. I mean, eventually. And it’s not like we’d ever accidentally trap her in an endless labyrinth where escape is impossible then lose track of her never to be seen again. No, that’s not something we’d ever let happen again.”

Wait, what do you mean “again”?

“No, nothing, I didn’t mean to say ‘again’, forget I said that, I just meant that like that’s not something you should worry about.”

Oh okay, good enough for me! Good luck, Nancy!