Midlife Priced Less

As my dearly departed grandmother used to say, time makes motherfuckers of us all, and Millennials are no exception. Millennials are now reaching their forties and starting to consider things like their imminent death, where the path of life has led them, and whether they’ll feel the spark of enjoying life ever again. But there’s another fear gripping some Millennials these days: Can we even afford a midlife crisis?

According to The Thriving Center of Psychology, 81% of Millennials feel they couldn’t afford a midlife crisis, citing such factors as making 20% less than Boomers did at their age, crippling student debts, and the current cost of food and housing. So there goes another beloved American institution down the drain because of Millennials. Or does it…?

In order to help Millennials get through their midlife crisis without going broke or, god forbid, working those feelings out in therapy, we’ve compiled a list of things we can all do to trick ourselves into feeling alive and young even though our lives are (at least) half over!

Have a Summer Tent Under the Bridge on the Nicer Side of Town

It is nice to have a little place you can escape to at a moment’s notice, but this generation may not be able to afford even a timeshare at the hypodermiest beach on Florida’s west coast, but you could get a tent at any sporting goods store for much, much less. Just go find yourself a nice spot under an overpass or in an abandoned parking lot somewhere near where the rich people are. That way you can have the enjoyment of saying “I have a nice little getaway down by the water” at a fraction of the cost!

Also, getting to do the Chris Farley “van down by the river” line thirty times a day makes this tip a no-brainer. Especially if you do get a van, which is more expensive but still cheaper than an actual summer home.

Give Yourself a Sharpie “Tattoo”

Tattoos are expensive, costing hundreds and maybe even thousands of dollars depending on the size and quality you’re expecting. Sharpies, on the other hand, are like two bucks each, less if you get the twelve-pack with all the colors.

We’d recommend finding a design you like, printing it out at work, and tracing it as best you can on a visible body part of your choosing. If you doubt your ability as an artist, find a friend who can draw to help you out. Even if you have to buy them lunch or slip them $20, it’s still a fraction of the cost of a real tattoo that, for all you know, won’t look any better than having Brett from work draw Kirby making out with Sonic on your forearm in exchange for dinner at Applebees.

Just Shave Your Head

While you can go out and get a hip, new haircut, that crap costs money. Even at a lower-cost barber, you still have to keep going back to keep it maintained since your stupid hair won’t stop growing (unless it has, in which case you can skip this one).

So unless nature has already mowed your dome, go ahead and shave your head. It’ll give you that fresh look for the price of a disposable razor and a few cranium nicks!

Get Yourself a Brand New Harley Davidson….

….tee shirt. Or hat. Whatever piece of merch you want. It’s way cheaper than the real thing and gives people the impression of you as a Harley person without the hassle of having to actually buy or learn how to ride one. This would also work with Lamborghini, Porsche, Hyundai, or any other luxury vehicle brand.

Go A-Thriftin’ and Get a Bargain on Last Year’s Hottest Styles

While this year's most popular fashion is probably out of your price range, there’s always a chance at getting last year’s at a discount by hitting up your local thrift stores. Sure it’s not the trendiest stuff, but let’s face it, you’re not going to look any less ridiculous in last year’s styles as you would in this year’s. Just cross your fingers that there’s a twenty-year-old roughly your size in desperate need of closet space.

Get a Spiffy New Avatar and Username

Much of a midlife crisis seems to revolve around creating a hip, new persona to either feel young again or align oneself with who they thought they’d be at this point in life. Since we tend to spend so much time on social media interacting with people and cultivating relationships it makes it the best place to premier the new you. The best part is it’s literally free! All you need to do is change your profile picture to something young and hip (we won’t tell if you use a little Photoshop or AI to spruce it up) and a totally cool username. Bingo bango, you’re a new person!

Start a Satirical Blog Site and Tie Your Self-Worth and Confidence to How it Performs

Actually don’t do that, that’s pathetic.

Get a Library Card in a Different City

Nothing will make you feel like a new you quite like checking out an ebook or audiobook from some fancy big-city library. You should be able to get a free library card for any library in your state and in select out-of-state libraries for a fee that’s less than the cost of renting a small apartment there to claim residency.

Now while you may be sitting in Dogsac, Poorabama, you’re reading books from Silk Bloomers, Wealthachusetts. How fancy!

Have a Long-Distance, Virtual Affair

Cheating on your significant other with a younger person is not only hard to pull off, but expensive! Can you really afford to start dating again, especially with all the other expenses in your life? Doubt it!

As Millennials, we grew up around a burgeoning internet, so dating someone we meet in a chatroom or on an MMORPG is something we’ve all done. While the places you find people have changed, engaging in an extramarital relationship with someone you’ll never meet face-to-face should be second nature.

You also help yourself (and others) feel young again by lying about your age. Hell, you can lie about anything you want, your honor (wink)!

Join a New Social Media Platform

A change of pace might do some good for your midlife crisis, and a good, frugal way to get that in today’s environment is to simply change your primary social media platform.

So instead of engaging with all the normal faces on BlueSky or Facebook, why not try heading to Reddit to accuse posters of whatever karma farming is? Or head over to 4Chan/b/ to see some gross shit and refer to random people as “summerf**s”? A world of new people and new experiences for you to shit on are right there at your fingertips, and all for free!

Score a Free, Extended Vacation to Florida by Supporting a Fascist Despot for President and Then Refusing to Leave his Compound After the Election

Nevermind, I guess that only works once and some dipshit’s already done it.

Watch Episodes of The Simpsons from After Season 10

Maybe a bit too extreme, but like you The Simpsons has gotten up into the years where they should be thinking about their mortality. Seeing what today’s Simpsons writers think is relevant for TV’s longest standing sitcom family has got to make you feel better at how you’ve handled aging.

Get Radicalized into a Leftist Political Movement

No, you don’t need to go full Communist, at least not unless you want to. There are actually plenty of leftist organizations to choose from and be confused by the differences of. And no, The Democratic Party is not one of them.

So keep an eye out for the chance to reinvent yourself as a leftist revolutionary. There should be plenty of opportunities to do so in the coming months for some reason. Just don’t be a tankie. Or do be a tankie. Actually, find out what a tankie is and then do or don’t be a tankie based on what it is. Then get back to me about what a tankie is. Seriously, I’ve looked it up like twenty times and I’m still not sure.

Anyway, whether you’re spreading socialist ideas around the internet or lighting Molotov cocktails to wing at riot cops, joining a leftist organization is sure to get your blood pumping and make you feel young again!

We hope you’ve found this list helpful in navigating your fiscally responsible Millennial midlife crisis and that you utilize one or more of these tips as you age gracefully into the ill tempered curmudgeon we all eventually become. I mean, unless you just decide to seek therapy or, at the very least, someone with whom to talk through the issues of the inevitability of death and the fact that your best years have passed. You know, whichever works for you!