Changing the Game

Hasbro has flipped the board on their beloved, classic game Monopoly in a recent press release, promising a “modernized” version aimed towards a younger audience.

“Monopoly has led a long life on America’s game shelf,” says Hasbro’s press release, “spanning nearly 90 years and uncountable versions.”

“However,” it continues, “since its initial debut in 1935 the rules of the game have basically remained the same. Well, all that’s about to change.”

We also spoke with Hasbro representative Mitch Sinclair who says it’s time to “Get hyped” for what’s ahead in the famed fast-dealing property trading game.

For people who grew up never learning to hate their family, the game of Monopoly can be described as a capitalist orgy where players traverse a board made up primarily of “properties” players can buy, sell, auction, and build on while charging rent to other players. It’s easy to see how, like most things from the 1930s, it might not hold up to modern scrutiny. 

“We really hope to change the perception of Monopoly,” says Sinclair, “and give it a new vitality for Millennials and Gen Z .”

So what’s new in the update? Let’s take a look at Hasbro’s press release….

Chance/Community Chest cards!

Gone are the days of winning beauty contests and bank errors.

“We found most Chance and Community Chest cards were extremely out of date or unrealistic,” reads Hasbro’s press release. “These have been updated to reflect our current economy.”

Included are a few samples of some new cards:

• Sell feet pics to pay rent, collect $25 from each player

• Pandemic outbreak, collect $6 stimulus from bank but receive nothing the next time you pass GO

• Minor injury, pay hospital $6000

• Forced to work on your birthday, collect $12 in overtime pay

• Drive for Uber, collect $30 but pay back $26 in gas, insurance and maintenance

• Refuse to give up Starbucks and avocado toast, pay $20 to bank each turn for next three turns

No more Free Parking!

No, nothing is ever free in a capitalist society, so why should anything be free in the world of Monopoly?

“The Free Parking square itself still exists,” states the press release, “only we’ve added slanted metal bars going across to prevent anyone’s game piece from actually resting there.”

What happens if a player’s game piece does land on Free Parking?

“Don’t worry about it,” says Sinclair. “That’s not the concern of the players whose pieces landed on actual property they’re paying to occupy.”

Whatever the case, it’s good to know that this will once and for all put an end to the “Free Parking Rule” controversy that was never really a rule to begin with, John, you dick!

All-new game piece mechanics!

In this version of Monopoly, players will still roll a die at the beginning of a game to determine who goes first, but Hasbro has introduced an entirely new set of rules around this mechanic.

“Capitalism rarely ever shows its face without its good pal Classism in tow,” states the press release, “and that is now reflected in-game!”

The release goes on to explain that the value of the initial dice roll will now determine a player’s “Privilege Level”. The player with the highest Privilege Level will be named the Banker (more on that later) while others determined to be of a lower caste will have their own rules to follow.

“For example,” clarifies Sinclair, “players of the lowest Privilege Level will automatically be sent to jail if they land on any property in the last row of the board [Pacific Avenue to Boardwalk] and will have to strategize accordingly. There’s all kinds of conditions like that sprinkled in.”

That’s not the only big change centered on game pieces. The Hasbro press release also states that players will now be leasing their game pieces from the bank. Can’t afford it? That’s okay! You can opt for “Public Transport” (it costs less than leasing but you only roll one die) or go “On Foot” (it’s free but you can only move one square each turn).

“It may already seem like a whole new game,” reads the press release, “but wait! We haven’t even told you the biggest change of them all!”

Monopoly finally lives up to its name!

As we said earlier, one lucky player will win the title of “Banker”, also referred to as “CEO of Everything” or “CEOoE”, at the beginning of the game. This player will start the game owning EVERYTHING!

That’s right. Players in Monopoly will no longer be allowed to buy any property. “One player owns it all and everyone else just has to deal with it,” explains Sinclair, “whether they like it or not.” [Editor’s note: They probably won’t.]

Not only that, but keeping with inflation, rent values have increased exponentially as have expense squares such as railroads, utilities, and taxes. Also passing “GO” still only pays $200.

As the CEOoE makes their way around the board they can build on any property they land on, thus raising rents and upping the difficulty for the other players.

“It’s a more realistic feel,” says the Hasbro release, “to capture the general feeling of the time.” 

“It’s a game where the lower-privileged players can’t win,” says Sinclair, “and a game could only end if the Banker decides to be cool and give everyone a break.”

“But let’s be realistic,” he adds, “nobody’s just going to want to stop if they just keep winning. It’s more likely that the game won’t end until the other players get mad enough to upend the board and end the whole damn thing out of anger.”

That’s probably not a metaphor for anything.

Monopoly: 2024 Edition will be available exclusively from Amazon this coming holiday season!