It's hard to keep up with every stupid news story that floats around the socials these days. In this new, weekly feature we'll take a handful of stories we think our readers will find interesting and sum them up.

To Sleep Perchance to Scheme

Source: Fortune

Ever say something along the lines of “I’m so good at my job I can do it in my sleep!”? Well tech startup Prophetic wants you to put your money where you mouth is and then lay where your mouth is (your head) down on your pillow for a good night's work.

Yes, Prophetic founder and CEO Freddie Kruger claims to have created a headband-like device that will induce lucid dreams, ala Richard Linklater’s acid trip of a movie Waking Life.

So is this a consumer good meant to help the average person attain what lucid dreamers take years to master by offering the adventure of a lifetime every time they go to sleep? No! Of course the fuck not! This is for working, idiot!

That’s right, this device, now available for preorder and retailing for $1500-$2000, is specifically designed for employees to use to do such tasks as mock board meetings, practicing your customer service voice, working out a tricky code or some shit, or coming up with ideas for your next Serving Times article. Wait, what? [Editor’s note: We’ll talk]

But what will this mean for workers? Could you potentially be fired for having insomnia? Could HR be notified if you show up for a dream meeting in your underwear? Could you be disciplined for waking on the job? Only time will tell.

Just when you thought your job has taken everything they can from you they can now potentially come for your dreams as well! Time will tell though if workers will be able to successfully navigate their dreams to financial success like the movie Inception or if the whole endeavor will turn out to be an overhyped, convoluted mess like the movie Inception.

The Atlantic Continues to Gaslight Readers

Source The Atlantic and The Atlantic again

Yes, the periodical who earlier this year ran a hit piece on Orcas, America’s favorite sea creature and anarchist icon, has yet again dropped not one but two bangers this week!

The first, What if Americans are Happy at Work? By Derek Thompson, posits that if you complain about your job you’re a liar and you actually love your job. Why? Because if you didn’t why do you keep showing up, huh jerkbag? (Their words, not ours.) Nevermind that you need to your job to, you know, live and have people that depend you to also live. The fact is that you stay because you love your employer and not because it's the only thing keeping you barely not homeless.

In the second, Inflation is Your Fault by Annie Lowrey, the author discusses the phenomenon of inflation and what role the American consumer plays in it. That is to say, that it’s all the consumer’s fault because, hey, if you don’t like paying overly inflated prices on such luxuries as food, diapers, and underwear then why do you keep on buying those things? Didn’t think of that, did you, you jabronis!? (Again, these are The Atlantic’s words and do not reflect those of our publication, jabroni.)

A word springs to mind when reading these stories, and it’s a tricky one because over time this word has begun to lose its impact with overuse, but it’s “gaslighting”, the word is “gaslighting”.

There is definitely an argument to be made and then subsequently won that what The Atlantic is doing is textbook gaslighting if there does indeed exist a textbook about gaslighting. The idea that people can’t trust their own logic to know whether or not they're happy at work, the concept that we could stop inflation if we wanted to, and the manipulation in both cases to make us believe it’s not corporations who are causing these ills but we ourselves are all cases of literal gaslighting.

But hey, what do I know? I personally caused global warming by forgetting to recycle that one time.

Strangely Articulate Walmart Shoppers Give Go Ahead to Pursue Biden Impeachment

Source: Newsweek

Over the long Thanksgiving weekend, Representative James Comer (R-Kentucky) headed to his local Walmart for some Black Friday bargains, a snack for the ride home he won’t tell his wife about, and revitalization for his campaign to impeach President Biden for what sources tell us are “reasons”.

As Comer stated in an appearance on Fox News, the news source voted “most trustworthy” by 50% of residents of houses in which my dad falls asleep watching it at full volume, all it took was a walk through the aisles of Walmart to tell him impeaching Biden was definitely not a waste of time and taxpayer money, but definitely what the American people want. Because, you know, nobody speaks for all the American people quite like our most obnoxious customers.

While many of us may be used to hearing customers spout off things like “Thanks Biden!” because the Hunt’s Catsup is out of stock, screeching “LET’S GO BRANDON!” at a kids’ toy that has a rainbow on it, or else stating “I don’t drink that woke shit” at a can of Bud Light that they can’t even remember why they’re mad at, Comer found the people at his Walmart surprisingly articulate.

“What in the world have the Bidens done to receive millions and millions of dollars from our enemies around the world and did they not pay taxes on it?” said one customer according to Comer.

“Yes, we want you to move forward,” says another, again according to Comer but it definitely probably definitely happened, “we want to know the truth and expect the Bidens to be held accountable for public corruption!”

Honestly, I have no idea which exact Walmart location Comer visited or why their customers all seem well-versed in practiced political talking points that would make excellent sound bites, but the effect was to give Comer the confidence to move forward with his impeachment inquiry. Somehow.

Again, the way customers actually talk about politics in our stores notwithstanding, this all definitely happened.

Walmart management did not respond to requests for questions on the political savviness of their patrons or if they were aware the dictionaries they sell are all missing the word “gullible”.

Judge Officially Rules That Customer Service Jobs are Prison Sentences

Source: Various, just Google it, damn

Rosemary Hayne, who was seen throwing a burrito bowl into the face of a Chipotle employee in a viral video this past September, has been sentenced for the crime of Karening in the 3rd degree. Also assault. Actually, it’s just the assault thing, Karening isn’t illegal. Yet.

The Ohio woman, aka Burrito Bowl Becky as I just now dubbed her, was sentenced to serve 90 days of a 180 day sentence on November 28th, but the judge had a few bright ideas to help Hayne reduce her sentence even further.

In something straight out of The Simpsons or that sitcom that George and Jerry wrote on Seinfeld, the honorable Judge Timothy Gilligan offered to shave 60 more days of jail time off the sentence if Hayne agreed to work for two months at a fast food restaurant, an offer that Hayne accepted.

While it’s easy to both-sides this issue on whether or not everybody should do a stint in customer service to learn to act right versus the idea that our jobs are literally prison sentences now (a topic recently covered by Bitchy Waiter in Food and Wine), it’s the opinion of The Serving Times that this will be hell on earth for all involved, least of all Burrito Bowl Becky.

Please consider the workers and managers at the restaurant who will have to deal with a coworker who doesn’t want to be there and probably won’t be putting in any real effort, just serving their time until they can go home. Except now there’s another coworker who’s there as punishment for throwing a burrito bowl at someone.

At its core though, this is really a story about a customer who refused to see a customer service worker as an actual person which justified their behavior. If nothing else, this experience will hopefully teach Burrito Bowl Becky to change that perception. Now if only we can sentence the rest of them along with her.

Currently, The Serving Times is considering setting up a GoFundMe to raise money for a reward for the first person to report back what restaurant Burrito Bowl Becky will be working at if that information isn’t readily available.

The Great Shockening: Inflation is Caused by Corporate Greed

Source: The Guardian

Reports show, once again, that inflation is not occurring as a result of economic factors outside of corporate control but because corporations, who have continued to post record profits, are essentially price-fixing to protect their margins under the guise of inflation. We are all extremely shocked by this extremely shocking news that has shocked us.

When reached for comment, noted private investigator Sherlock Holmes claims to have “No shit” on the matter.

Companies named in the reports are ExxonMobil, Shell, Kraft Heinz, and food processor Archer-Daniels-Midland. The article doesn’t mention whether retailers, restaurants, or grocers themselves are engaged in similar practices, but come on!

My Favorite Story of the Week: The NRF are Fuckin’ Liars!

Source: Retail Wire

If you’ve been following any kind of retail news, like The Serving Times perhaps or someone more reputable, you may have heard the rally cry from retailers all year long about Organized Retail Theft. It’s been all over the news (at least the kind of news my dad falls asleep to), was the subject to a really boring webinar from The NRF that I crashed, the cause for Retail Industry Leaders of America (RILA) national store walk month in which store managers were coached in theft prevention by local law enforcement, and even inspired congressional legislation. But as Phil Collins would say, it’s all been a pack of lies!

Well, at least a misunderstanding according to The National Retail Federation (NRF).

Yes, unfortunately The NRF hasn’t yet scooted their chair to the dinner table to eat the big ol’ plate of shit waiting for them on this, but instead claims this was the result of a false inference made when Ben Dugan, former president of The Coalition of Law Enforcement and Retail (CLEAR) claimed at a 2021 senate testimony that organzied retail crime accounted for $45 billion in annual retail losses, also known as “shrink”, which itself would account for about half of total losses for the industry.

Seriously, they are really hanging this Dugan guy out to dry on this one.

Predictably, the business news media refuses to hold The NRF accountable for their lies and have continually referred to this as a “walking back” of information, but the idea that organized retail theft is so high and the biggest threat to the industry is one that’s been touted nonstop from The NRF throughout 2023, David Johnston even stating in the October webinar that the actual figures were probably worse than what was being reported. In reality, those numbers are much lower, and we should remember that the next time they try to pull a fast on us. (Apropos of nothing, they recently claimed that 29% of retail shrink comes from employee theft, so yeah….)

Information on the “misunderstanding” was given to the press by NRF spokesperson Mary McGinty. David Johnston, VP of Asset Protection & Retail Operations who bandied about the theft numbers like the genitals of an overly confident old man at the YMCA, did not comment on the “misconstrued” numbers, assumingly hiding out like Saruman in his tower following The Battle of Isengard.

The lesson we should all learn from this is that The NRF are lobbyists and not to be trusted. Ever! You hear that, business news media!? Stop taking them at their word, you’re killing us out here!

That's all the news from this week that's fit to print! At least all the stories I care to print. And by “print” I mean post online. Think I missed a story? See a story you want to see included next week? Leave a comment below or harass me on the socials about it!