Last week we started a weekly feature to highlight all the news stories we think our readers may have missed or will find interesting and summarize them as best we could. It did pretty well and was fun to write, so we’re going to keep doing it. Anyway, here’s this week’s roundup!

Please be sure to send us any stories you see that you think may of interest to our readers and earn a shout-out!

McBigger is McBetter

Source: Tycoon Story

In a recent interview with CNN, McDonald’s CEO Chris Kempczinki stated “having a larger burger is an opportunity” and that we should “be prepared for that in the future.” Even though this seems vaguely threatening, US consumers can look to fill the empty hole in their lives with even more beef in the near future! Assuming the burgers are bigger because they have more beef, but I guess it’s just as likely that they’re being bulked up with breadcrumbs or like sawdust from CosMc construction.

Kempczinski goes on to say that modern consumers want a bigger burger crammed in ‘em, one that will actually fill them up. When asked why consumers can’t just eat two or get, like, a four-piece McNuggets on the side, Kempczinski responded “SHUT THE FUCK UP! WHAT PART OF ‘BIGGER BURGERS’ DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND!?” before flipping over the table and punching a hole in the wall.

Once calm, he added “We believe we will be able to provide [clients] with a large burger that tastes amazing and is a better value than anything they can get anywhere else.”

After checking a few different sources for confirmation we can now accurately state that yes, he is indeed talking about McDonald’s burgers.

Keynote Scabber

Source: NRF Blog

Yes, NRF has their own blog and it’s every bit as inane and lie-ridden as you’d think it is.

As January approaches we find The NRF, its associated bootlickers, and unscrupulous venders looking to sell things to said bootlickers preparing for the 2024 NRF Really Big Show. This year’s show is set to be bigger than all the rest as The National Retail Federation, coming off a scandal of being found to be lying about organized retail crime numbers, have bagged a real doozy of a keynote speaker.

That’s right, The NRF, who earlier this year patted themselves on the back for protecting their workers from unions, have tapped everyone’s favorite scab and girl who screams at ET Drew Barrymore to deliver this year’s keynote speech! Does it have anything to do with Barrymore’s line of beauty products or their shared vision on how to treat workers seeking better wages and working conditions? We’ll let the fact that you didn’t know Barrymore even had a line of beauty products versus her well-known fuck-off to her union employees answer that for you. Also, if it was the beauty product thing they’d probably have asked Gwentyh Paltrow to come and hawk her pussy candles or whatever.

Bill Maher reportedly also offered to speak but was told selling bullshit to boomers doesn’t count as retail.

Sears is Back for Some Reason!

Source: CNN, shout-out to TMLinz for bringing this to our attention

For those too young to remember, Sears is the store mommy and daddy would shop at long before conceiving you, possibly in a Sears dressing room. Sears sold everything and was a one-stop fun-shop for everyone on your Christmast list. You can get a bathrobe for grandma, a new dishwasher for mommy, a toolbox for daddy, and even a sleeping bag and pillow for mommy and daddy’s special friend Big Jerry who sleeps over all the time even though you’re not sure where he actually sleeps and is probably uncomfortable which is why he leaves in the middle of the night.

Yes, those looking for a nostalgic romp amidst the disorderly clothing racks, stained carpets, and musty air no longer have to dream of a time long past! That is, if you live in one of the areas whose Sears has quietly reopened.

We asked holiday shoppers if they’re excited about the prospect of shopping at Sears once again and you bet your ass they are!

“Yeah, I might check it out,” says Tom Peterson outside the mall. “Whatever.”

“Holy crap, Sears is still operating?” says Jessica Lombordazzi. “I thought they went the way of K-Mart and diarrhea’d money to death!”

“Okay, so it’s like a store?” says shopper Alan Koensgen. “And I care because…?”

So excited!

While it may seem that Sears is just another company taking advantage of the nostalgia of Gen X and Millennial customers to drive new business, we can assure you it’s nothing of the sort.

“It’s because nobody wants to buy the properties,” says noted business expert Josephine Sgriccia. “Who would want to open a huge department store in the current state of things? And now they’re sitting on these huge assets that nobody wants, paying rent and taxes on them, making all these malls look like boarded-up ghost towns. It’s better for them to try to turn some kind of profit from them rather than keep sitting on an egg that’s only going to hatch into more bankruptcy.”

Well, sad to say this may not be the big Brendan-Fraser-like revival longtime Sears fans had hoped for, but perhaps an opportunity for one last hoorah before Sears goes the way of Toys R Us and crawls into the corner of Macy’s to die quietly where no one will notice.

Panera Founder: “Won’t Somebody PLEASE Think of the Shareholders?”

Source: Insider (blah), shout-out to Daniel Aegan for bringing this to our attention

Ron Shaich, founder and former CEO of Panera Bread, purveyor of overpriced turkey paninis, impossibly hard scones, and a lemonade that will straight up fuckin' kill you, thinks employees should be more engaged with maximizing profits for shareholders.

"No employee ever wakes up and says, 'I'm so excited. I made another penny a share today for Panera's shareholders,'" said Shaich according to Insider. "Nobody cares. You don't care whether your CEO comes or goes.”

Wow, what a fuckin' asshole.

He goes on to say: "So much of what running a business is about is figuring out 'how do I connect with people? What motivates them, and how do I help them decide to affiliate with what the mission of the enterprise is?”

Oh wait, hang on…. Sorry, just reading the actual article now instead of just reacting to the headline. Well, fuck, okay, I guess we fucked up on this one.

So apparently this story is really about TikTok users (because Insider thinks that's a legitimate source) making fun of, and rightfully so, the idea that they should care about shareholder returns and Ron Shaich, let me check the article one more time…, agreeing with them!

So this is more about Insider putting out sensational headlines for clicks and engagement and not really about another asshole CEO. We'll give Shaich the benefit of saying he's trying to seem quarterway decent on the subject and give Insider no benefit at all because they're awful engagement whores.

At least ask him why Panera hasn't pulled the suicide-ade for fuck's sake, Insider, you bootlicking tools.

And all of you: STOP JUST REACTING TO AND SHARING THESE HEADLINES! THAT'S WHAT THE BUSINESS NEWS MEDIA WANTS! (Sorry, Dan. I still appreciate you sending this to me though.)

Maricopa County Attorney Addresses Organized Retail Crime Numbers Because Reasons

Source: 12 News Phoenix, shout-out to runswithrazors for bringing this to our attention

Amidst the controversy of The NRF lying about their Organized Retail Crime numbers (ha ha, suck it, NRF!), Maricopa County attorney Rachel Mitchell promised to address these claims for some reason. Sources have not yet been able to identify who in the hell even asked her, but address these numbers she did.

And what did Mitchell find when looking into this issue? Well, according to the Arizona attorney and public figure, it seems that OH MY GOD THEY’RE BAD! THINGS ARE AS BAD AS THEY THOUGHT MAYBE WORSE! HOLY SHIT!!!11!

Mitchell and The Phoenix Police Department apprehended a woman recently thought to have stolen $30,000 worth of cosmetics to resell in California. Mitchell went on to say that the woman was only part of a larger cartel of retail bandits coming in from California to steal goods in Arizona, information she cites from the source “I don’t have that information on me right now, but trust me, it’s happening”.

When asked why people from California would come to Arizona to steal stuff to later resell back in California, Mitchell says it’s because California is notoriously soft on criminals, giving most retail thieves a stern talking-to, an apology for wasting their time, and a hot cocoa to help them calm down. When we pressed that her answer still doesn’t explain why they come to Arizona in the first place, risking a heftier sentence for being caught in a state that doesn’t powder criminals’ donuts, Mitchell stated again that she had that information somewhere else and we’d just have to take her at her word.

Lego Fortnite Players Almost Immediately Recreate 9/11

Source: Insider (ugh)

On the lighter side of the news: 9/11’s back, in Lego form!

Fortnight, or Fork-Knife as an out of touch uncle might call it, introduced its new Lego Mode earlier this week with less emphasis on the violence and more on building. And guess how long it took for players to shatter that peace by building the World Trade Center twin towers and flying planes into them? Less than one damn day. You love to see it.

For those readers who may be upset or scandalized that this could happen, we spoke to preeminent gaming influencer my niece Hayleigh.

“Oh my god, uncle Matt,” says Hayliegh Starr, “I haven’t even played that game in like six months. Also 9/11 is funny now, get over it.”

The kids really are our future.

Etsy CEO Says “There’s No Ship I’d Rather Be On” to Workers About to Be Thrown Overboard

Source: Fortune

As Christmastime comes up on us fast, it’s time for one of the most American of holiday traditions: Laying off workers in the name of faking company growth.

In a statement to staff following the announcement that 11% of workers will be let go heading into the new year, CEO of Etsy Josh Silverman (that’s his real name, not a generic CEO name I just made up) had these kind words to say to those who had just heard this devastating news: “The waters may be rough right now, but there’s no other ship I’d rather be on.”

Easy for him to say as he’s not one of the people being thrown off the boat.

These layoffs come just after the news that the company’s growth has remained stagnant over the past few years (despite doubling in size) and that layoffs are necessary to remain “competitive”. In this context, “competitive” means tossing people off a metaphorical boat into raging, possibly shark-infested waters to make the lines of a graph go up which pleases shareholders.

This also begs the question of why businesses still adhere to the capitalistic urge to keep growing and growing and growing. Isn’t being successful and profitable enough? Not everything has to be fuckin’ Amazon.

Where’s an orca when you need one, huh?

The Impossible to Ignore Story of the Week: Prisoners Sold to Fast Food Industry as Slave Labor

Source: TruthOut among others

Sorry, I really tried to make this story funny, but it's just so abysmal. You can look up the details for yourself, but suffice to say McDonald's, KFC, Burger King, and Wendy's are all complicit in “leasing” human beings from Alabama prisons to work for pennies on the dollar, as if the fast food industry didn’t have enough blood on its hands. The state of Alabama makes $450 million a year off this program, which is perfectly legal and supported by local politicians. The Union of Southern Service Workers are among ten plaintiffs suing the state to end this practice and remit wages to those taken advantage of upon release.

Just keep in mind that there's no depths the companies we work for and spend money at won't sink to in order to save a few bucks, up to and including some good old fashioned slavery.

That's all the news that’s fit to blog this week, at least all the stories I care to summarize. Hope you all have a slightly less abysmal week as we move into the darkest regions of the holiday season!