News Roundup: 2/25-3/2

Every week there are several news stories that circulate around the media sphere. Some are widely covered, some get ignored, and some become meme headlines that nobody actually reads about. So just in case you missed any, we’re taking our favorites from the past week and summarizing them so you can act smart the next time someone brings up current events! Lucky you!

They Caught Beauty Shop Becky!

It’s hard to take anything The NRF or RILA say seriously. These are after all the lobbyists who brought us such bangers as “unions would be bad for our employees”, “congress needs to stop this railway strike to protect commerce”, and “employees asking for wages are causing inflation oh wait no it’s actually this organized retail crime thing nevermind don’t look into what we pay our employees”.

With that in mind, it was easy to dismiss their claims of massive shoplifting rings using smash-and-grab tactics to steal millions of dollars in merchandise to sell online. In fact, they’ve already been caught lying about how much that actually costs retailers. I myself have been fairly outspoken about their lack of truth on these matters, so imagine my surprise when HOLY SHIT THEY ACTUALLY CAUGHT SOMEONE!

Yes, Michelle Mack, whom we’re referring to as “Beauty Shop Becky” and we really hope that catches on, was arrested for allegedly stealing $8 million worth of beauty goods from Ulta and selling them on Amazon Marketplace. Mack’s multi-million dollar home was raided and found to contain over $300,000 worth of stolen goods she obtained by hiring out a dozen or so women to steal it for her. She effectively invented Mary Kay for shoplifting.

There’s no word yet on how far the jaws of The NRF’s VP of Asset Protection David Johnston’s jaw dropped when he found out the only crime lord caught so far is a wealthy, middle-aged white woman, but we speculate it dropped quite far. If he had talked to the managers who work at stores under The NRF, however, they’d have likely told him there’s always a Karen at the top pulling strings.

Manager of Kentucky Dairy Queen Forces Employees to Eat Ice Cream Laced with Cleaning Solution

Nobody wants to eat dangerous chemicals for minimum wage anymore!

Tech Genius Elon Musk Can’t Set Up Laptop WIthout Help of Annoyed Nephew

Earlier this week, Elon Musk took to Twitter presently known as X formerly known as Twitter to complain about not being able to set up his new laptop without first creating a Windows account. The post formerly known as tweet was quickly labeled with a community note formerly known as bird watch that this was not at all true. Musk, always willing to admit when he’s wrong, doubled down on his previous claim, stating that no, you cannot set up a laptop without a Windows account. This post was also community noted. And so on and so on….

Musk, who famously became rich by being the smartest and most liked man alive, went on a public hissy, including publicly harassing the CEO of Microsoft Satya Nadella (total “can I speak to the manager energy), about the issue claiming he doesn’t want Windows to have permission to use his laptop to train their AI algorithm, which is in no way hypocritical.

There’s no word yet if Musk’s nephew has been able to help him set up the device or if he promised said nephew a “nice dinner” or asked if he had any “special lady” in his life.

Wendy’s CEO Talks Uber-like Surge Pricing Which is Quickly Walked Back in Wendy’s Press Release

Wendy’s CEO Kirk Tanner recently told investors that as early as 2025 the restaurant chain would start testing “dynamic pricing and daypart offerings”, a move similar to Uber’s surge pricing where customers are charged more because of an increase in demand. This came as quite a shock to customers who are only interested in eating the greasiest of all fast food burgers and not playing the Wendy’s menu stock market.

Tanner went on to say that the chain has invested $20 million to roll out the technology to do real-time “dynamic pricing” adjustments plus another $10 million over two years in menu board enhancements for the global system, which I found confusing because I was able to do that in like 10 seconds at my old job on Windows 3.1, so I don’t see how that could possibly cost so much, but whatever.

Wendy’s corporate however was quick to backtrack in a statement to Reuters, saying “No, we’re not actually doing that, we don’t know what Kirk’s talking about, we’re actually doing a wellness check on him right now”.

The fast food giant goes on to say that the initiative more accurately means to offer discounts to patrons during slower periods of the day, which we fail to see how that’s all that different. It is however a great example of how companies love to tell their investors one thing and then tell the general public an entirely other thing.

Official Serving Times prediction: They jack prices way up so the slow-period discount, which will just be the original price, seems like an actual good deal.

New Workplace Trend Alert: Some Workers Report Being “Sick-Shamed” for Coming to Work Sick

Good.

Kellogg’s CEO: “Eat Cereal for Dinner, You Fuckin’ Poors!”

Not content to let Wendy’s have the only CEO fuckin’ up in our roundup this week, Kellogg’s CEO Gary Pilnik has advised consumers to think about eating cereal for dinner more often as a means to save money. This comes just after the resurgence of an article posted last year by The Wall Street Journal that advised that people save money by skipping breakfast entirely, so now we know what to do with all that leftover cereal!

Pilnik claims he’s just trying to help consumers (and his company’s bottom line) by offering a cheaper alternative to actual food but has faced backlash as most people don’t appreciate being treated like six-year-olds being watched by a babysitter who frankly has other shit to worry about than cooking you dinner.

Kentucky House Bill 500 Removes Employers’ Obligation to Give Workers Breaks

But when will their employees have time to eat poison ice cream!?

KFC “Invents” Chicken Parmesan, Makes It Taste Bad, and Insists You Eat It with Your Hands

KFC has introduced a brand new, never before thought of food it’s calling “chicken pizza” or “chizza” for short. It consists of a KFC chicken tender with marinara sauce ladled over it topped with cheese and pepperoni. If it tastes as good as it looks then it’s probably pretty fuckin’ awful. And yes, the reviews are actually pretty bad. It seems like the kind of thing your dad would make for you right before telling you that Mommy’s not coming back.

Italians are referring to it as the biggest insult to their cuisine since Carrabba’s “chicken lasagna” which was just three chicken parmesan cutlets stacked on top of each other that in no way resemble anything that can reasonably be mistaken for lasagna. Which is apt, because anyone who thinks this is anything like pizza needs to be separated from society and studied for science.

Comedian Richard Lewis has Died at 76

This isn’t related to the service industry or economy, I’m just kind of bummed about it.

Exxon Mobil CEO on Climate Change: “We've Done Enough”

Darren Woods, CEO of Exxon Mobil, had a few choice words regarding the road to becoming carbon neutral by 2050, particularly that it'll cost a lot of money and they ain't paying it.

“People who are generating the emissions need to be aware of [it] and pay the price,” Woods said according to Fortune. “That’s ultimately how you solve the problem.”

Apropos of nothing, Exxon Mobil pulled in $36 billion in revenue last year.

Woods goes on to say that consumers need to be willing to pay the cost of saving the environment his and other oil companies endangered by lying about climate change for several decades. As an example he states that fuel for cars with “lower carbon” and “sustainable aviation fuel for the airline business” are both things they could be making, but would cost more to produce.

“But I guess they just don't want to pay to save the planet,” says the guy who sets the prices with a shrug.

Some may argue that it should be the oil tycoons who made a disgusting amount of profit by ruining our planet and lying about it who should pay for these initiatives, but no, they're just not gonna because they don't see how that’s fair.

At least we can all agree on one thing: When it comes to the desecration of our planet, Exxon Mobil has certainly done enough already.