News Roundup: 3/3-3/9

Elon Musk Does a Bunch of Stupid Shit

Elon's got too much going on to cover it all thoroughly, so here's the Elon lightning round:

• Elon sues OpenAI CEO Sam Altman for prioritizing profits over benefiting humanity (weird how that happens to these supposedly altruistic companies), which in no way makes Musk a hypocrite 

• Elon has closed-door meeting with former/possibly future president Donald Trump just before claiming he endorses no presidential candidates, presumably while winking ostentatiously

• Elon vows to remove like and repost (retweet) counts from posts (tweets) and only show number of views, probably not because his posts get way more views than likes.

• “░P░ U░S░S░ Y░I░ N░B░I░O░” has now been the top trending topic on X formerly known as Twitter for three weeks straight but thank God all the bots are gone

• Tesla sent out its $3000 Cyber Truck tents and they’re really shitty and look nothing like the picture of what the dupes, er ah, customers were promised, more like a gray Ikea bag that hangs off the back

• Musk tweeted out “‘Super rich ex-wives who hate their former spouse’ should be listed among ‘Reasons that Western Civilization died’”, was very quickly and publicly dissed by his super rich ex-wife who hates him, deleted the tweet, and cried himself to sleep on his race car bed

What a dipshit.

Social Media Users Claim Victory as Wendy's Walks Back Plans for Surge Pricing: “Bullying Works!”

So you all realize they're still going to do it and they just reworded the plan, right? Like you understand that companies often tell investors one thing and customers another, right? No? Well they do.

Measles Makes Triumphant Comeback in Florida

Like college students looking to get covered in beach sand and barf, the measles has returned to Florida!

Yes, anti-vaxxer and Florida Surgeon General Joseph Ladapo has recently told parents that it's okay to keep sending their unvaccinated kids to school while an entirely preventable disease sweeps through the state. And if you thought a Ladapo was a small breed of dog, well you're not entirely wrong because this dude spends most days curled up in Governor Ron DeSantis's lap napping soundly.

If DeSantis and Ladapo are scheming to gain the support of their constituents, then making the children of those constituents sick from an entirely avoidable malady seems to be a masterful gambit, a truly great move in whatever game of 6D chess they're playing. If nothing else, they're doing an amazing job discouraging out-of-staters from visiting Florida this summer which is great as a huge part of Florida's business definitely does not hinge on out-of-state summer tourism.

One Florida resident we interviewed said he wasn't concerned about the measles as “the snakes’ll take care of ‘em” even after repeated reminders that measles are not the product of cross-breesing mice and weasels.

This latest outbreak comes on the heels of years of rampant anti-vaxxerism and rejection of established medical science in order for politicians to court the “do your own research” crowd who get all their medical advice from Facebook groups and The Bible, both equally horrible sources of medical information.

Our sources tell us that the mumps, polio, whooping cough, tuberculosis, and the black plague are all looking to make comebacks in the state as Florida quickly becomes America's leper colony. Also leprosy has already made a comeback in Florida, as has malaria.

Currently the official stance of The State of Florida is that there is no outbreak and you're woke for saying that, go back to San Francisco, Nancy!

Florida Senate Votes to Remove Heat-Related Worker Protections

Ugh, Florida again!? This state, I swear to God….

It's okay though. Not like it ever gets hot down here.

“Viral” Reddit Post About the Pricing at Five Guys is Somehow News

News outlets across the nation once again prove they can't tell what is and isn't newsworthy in the social media age by covering a story about how a bacon cheeseburger combo at the restaurant Five Guys now costs around $24 after tax and tip.

While a $24 fast food cheeseburger isn't awesome, Five Guys has always had a reputation for being on the pricier end of the quick-serve restaurants and suggesting, as many news sources are, that this one post has ignited the discourse on fast food pricing is woefully naive.

Yes, food prices are out of control. We all know it and we've all been talking about it. This one post may be emblematic of the problem but it's not the source of the conversation. Maybe it's time news outlets turn their attention to the corporations keeping prices high under the guise of inflation while raking in record profits and less about one person who posted a receipt and the response they got.

Although maybe it is shedding light on those issues and I'm just splitting hairs because I'm tired of “news” stories about social media posts. I don't know, but to me it seems like they're exploiting social media users for the sake of engagementbait journalism while not offering much criticism to the cause or profiteers of the issues raised by those posts.

Study Shows Billionaires Live Up to 15 Years Longer Than You Poors

I'm sure we can think up a couple of ways to bring that number down though….

Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell Teases Rate Decreases but Only if Inflation Drops

Jerome Powell seems ready to start maybe thinking perhaps about lowering federal interest rates. But he's certainly in no rush to do it.

While inflation has fallen down to 3.1% (which is weird because prices still haven't come back down), Powell says that he won't feel comfortable lowering interest rates until inflation falls to 2%. Raises in interest rates are what's to thank for a falling inflation rate due to what Powell describes as “reasons”.

“It seems the American consumer has suffered enough,” says Powell, “and obviously the invisible hand of the market can't right the economic ship unless American consumers are suffering and priced out of living comfortably. Fortunately for us, their suffering has finally seemed to work! Well, almost.”

Over the past 16 months the federal interest rate has been raised 11 times and is currently over 5%, the highest it's been since the heyday of Reaganomics, a big jump from the usual rate of barely more than 0%. Rate hikes create higher rates on business loans, which incentivises businesses to raise prices in order to incentivise businesses to lower prices. I don't know, that's how he says it works.

These hikes also raise rates on consumer loans, credit cards, mortgages, and car loans. So basically, the American consumer is getting fucked coming and going, which is apparently the perfect recipe for economic stability I guess, who knows?

“When consumers can't afford stuff,” says Powell, “they stop buying stuff and once the businesses get desperate enough they have no choice but to lower prices!”

Yeah, and they wonder why people don't seem to think the economy is getting better even though economists swear it is, citing the ever-popular source of “I don't know, I'm doing pretty well!”.

Powell and The Fed are eying June as a possible date to start lowering rates though he admits “We'll see how things go, I don't like to commit to stuff that far out and the prospect of 2% inflation is not yet assured.”

When asked if the cooling inflation would result in lower prices, every retail CEO laughed in our face and then charged us $16 for an 8oz bottle of water.

President Biden Suggests Taxing the Fuck Out of Corporations and Billionaires

Yeah okay, Dark Brandon, let me know if that actually goes anywhere. Still waiting on that minimum wage increase from like three State of the Unions ago, just sayin’.

He also made a bunch of other promises that seem great and we’re definitely holding our breath on.

Hidden Valley Announces Seven New Flavors of Ranch, Improving the Quality of Life Across the Nation

Suck it, Oreos, you're no longer the only game in town for innovative, new flavor combinations! You losers!

Yes, Hidden Valley has brought some much needed happy news to the American consumer via its wonderful new ranch, also known as “American dressing” or “midwestern Spanish fly”, varieties. The new flavors include parmesan, creamy jalapeno, hot honey, Nashville hot, garlic and green goddess.

While all of those sound incredibly amazing, there's one more flavor that will definitely make life seem worth living again: Cheez-It ranch!

That's right, no longer will you have to crush up a bunch of Cheez-Its and stir them into a bowl of ranch dressing just to get some bastardized knock-off of what Cheez-It ranch should taste like. Oh, what a glorious time for humanity! If this is where the path of capitalism has lead us then it was all worth it!

We're going to go ahead now and say that Hidden Valley Ranch and Cheez-It is the greatest product pairing since Flamin’ Hot Cheetos stuffed Reese's big cups.

So whether you're dunking your chicken wings, eating a salad that's mostly cheese and bacon, or just enjoying your nightly bowl of ranch, feel free to mix it up and try one of these new flavors soon! Or just stay depressed and ignorant of these monumental leaps forward in society, you fuckin' sad sack.

Some flavors may be exclusive to Walmart or Kroger’s, so you’ll have to make a couple of stops. Worth it though.