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While Nintendo fanboys and other filthy casuals celebrate the release of the Switch 2 and Mario Kart World, the US government may be looking to some gamers’ character selection as a reason to nerf their freedom.

Ever since there’s been a Mario there’s been a Luigi. Hell, you can’t have the Super Mario Bros without Mario's super bro! The seemingly bumbling, mild-mannered Luigi has gained new popularity over the last year for… some reason. Also for some reason, there are those who don’t appreciate the newfound love for Nintendo’s perennial second sibling, and they don't intend to show us their idle animation about it.

“Basically, we’re monitoring Nintendo accounts and online play for the new Mario Kart game,” says one cybersecurity analyst with Homeland Security who wished to remain anonymous, “and anyone who plays regularly as Luigi is being placed on a terrorist watchlist accessible to all law enforcement agencies.

“We asked Nintendo to remove the character completely and they declined,” continues the analyst. “We even lowered the bar and tried to get them to just remove the so-called ‘Luigi death stare’ and they still wouldn't budge. So this was the compromise. Compromise here meaning that they either don’t know we’re doing it or can't stop us. But that’s assuming they even care to begin with.”

Worried that playing as Luigi and capping Wario with a red shell will end get us black-bagged at the hands any one of several government agencies who have explicitly asked us not to call them “The American Gestapo”, we spoke to a Nintendo representative about this potential inconvenience to players.

Unfortunately, the Nintendo rep refused to elaborate on what this infringement might mean to Mario Kart World players, stating simply, “Listen dude, I just work at GameStop, I have nothing to do with game development.”

Our repeated inquiries on what Nintendo plans to do about this, if anything, were only met with a declination to comment and the insistence that we “either buy a game or get out”, which is weird as Nintendo is usually much more compassionate and altruistic towards their fanbase.

As Mario Kart World steers its way into the hands of consumers everywhere, we hope the gaming community heeds the danger of playing as Luigi. But why exactly would the American government grief its citizens like this?

“I don’t know exactly where the idea came from,” says our source at Homeland Security, “but I’m told a few very wealthy donors had a meeting with the upper brass and within hours this was made a top priority, I have no idea why.

“Also,” he continues, “there was a request from someone in the executive branch for them to make Toad, the little mushroom guy, ‘taller and girthier’, but I don't know what that's all about.”

So would it be safe to say that US law enforcement is saying “Let's a-go! …straight to the gulag!” to Luigi players?

“Well, it’s not like they'll kick your door down the second you press ‘start’,” he clarifies. “We just might take a closer look at your social media posts, where you are at certain dates and times, who you meet or communicate with, if you’re harboring anyone, the layout of your home, stuff like that. And maybe if you’re a communist or brown or transgender or plan on getting an abortion or something, just play as the cow. The cow is way off our radar.”

Well, I main Bowser Jr. so I’m good, but others would be wise to think twice before playing as the green-clad plumber whose popularity continues to mysteriously skyrocket, especially gamers whose Joycons tend to drift to the left.

As of the time of posting, rumors that Homeland Security officials offered to stop monitoring Mario Kart World players as soon as Nintendo agreed to add Waluigi to the Smash Bros roster are, so far, unsubstantiated.