No Call, No Show, No Problem

Recent times have been tough for some retailers as customers seem reluctant to spend after a period of rising prices, overall low income, and a general feeling that corporations are run by bad people. Because of this, retailer managers are eager to save money on their budgets wherever they can and willing to recognize any worker who helps facilitate such savings. It’s this kind of thinking that led to Claire Handson winning her store’s Employee of the Month award.

Chris Munson is the general manager of a Sir Sav-A-Lot grocery store near Cleveland, Ohio.

“Things have been tricky lately,” says Munson. “First we jacked the prices way up and we lost a lot of our regular shoppers to the Aldi down the road. Now, even though the prices have started coming back down, those customers just aren’t coming back. And I’ll tell you, that article corporate planted in Business Insider about the falling prices did not help the situation.”

Munson will tell you that the store’s management team will do anything to save money at this point.

“We’ll do anything to save money at this point,” tells Munson. “Maybe we short the meat packs in the butcher shop a little. Maybe we dilute the deli disinfectant with water. Maybe we send the carts guys down the street to Aldi to push their carts and keep the quarters. Whatever we gotta do to keep the budget looking good!”

“Seems kind of messed up,” says Cash Room manager Emmet Boyd, “that corporate puts us in this situation with their shortsighted decisions and then puts the consequences of those decisions on our shoulders.”

Boyd was not available for further comment as he had to work in the bakery in addition to his cash handling duties for the rest of the day.

“Anyway,” says Munson shortly after dooming his underling to frost cakes all afternoon, “we’re grateful to any employee who helps us keep this place under budget. And that is why we’ve decided to award Claire Handson the coveted Employee of the Month award!”

“Huh, what?” says Handson looking up from her sandwich as the management team (minus Haddock who is reportedly arguing with a customer about why the store’s bakery doesn’t make Minion cakes) surrounds her table. “What I do?”

“Congratulations, Claire!” shouts Emma Rae, the store’s HR representative. “You’re this month’s Employee of the Month!”

“Yeah, I see that,” says Handson through a mouthful of ham and provolone. “But what I do?”

That’s a good question that Chris Munson is happy to answer for us.

“You see, last week Claire didn’t show up for her closing shift on Monday,” he tells us, “nor her opening shift the following Tuesday. Getting those sixteen hours off our payroll was a huge help in getting our budget under control for the month, and we just wanted to show our appreciation for her sacrifice!”

“Okay, so you know my friend Bethany?” says Handson, and no, we do not. “Well I was hanging out with her and I was like, ‘you know what, I’m not going to go to work tonight’ and she was like ‘alright, cool’ and then we were out until like 3am or something and I was like ‘you know what, I’m not going to work tomorrow either’ and she said like ‘yeah, no way, fuck that’, and so I didn’t come to work those two days.”

“Whatever the reason,” says Munson who just heard the incredibly stupid reason, “we’re glad you’re doing what you can to help us out the store!”

“Yeah,” says Handson, “I think after I finish this sandwich I’m not gonna clock back in and just go home.”

“Okay, okay, settle down” chuckles Munson, “you can’t win it two months in a row!”

When we asked the management team assembled if Claire’s absence made it harder for the employees who did show up to work, they just kind of shrugged and told us the managers on duty were busy doing “back office stuff” and weren’t on the floor to notice any difference.

“We’re always confident in our team's ability to come together and get through it!” says Rae. “We believe in all of you!” she adds addressing the four workers currently on break who confusedly look up from their phones.

“This place is fuckin’ whack,” says Claire Handson, getting up from the table to walk out on her shift. “I might just stop coming in at all, I don’t care.”

“Okay, I see what’s happening here,” says Munson. “Looks like we have a contender for Employee of the Year!”

“There’s going to be a lot of competition for that this year,” Emma Rae tells us in a hushed tone. “So many of our employees just leave and never come back, and it’s hard to pick just one winner!”