Capsizing the Economy

Ocas, also referred to as “killer whales” or “Free Willies”, have been reportedly exhibiting strange behavior lately, including forming unlikely pods and attacking sea vessels. While it could just be a fluke of nature, some economists foresee dire financial consequences as a result.

“Boats move freight across water,” explains Brian Dodge, president of The Retail Industry Leaders Association (RILA), as if we’re six years old. “If we lose access to the seas, we’ll see major disruptions in the supply chain.”

What Dodge is referring to are recent reports that an orca named White Gladis has been attacking ships at sea and has taught her offspring, Black Gladis and Grey Gladis (real original, orcas), to do the same. Some marine biologists have suggested that White Gladis may have been injured by a boat at some point and, as we all do from time to time, is acting out from trauma. Since orcas are social creatures, it is entirely possible for other orcas to pick up this behavior as well.

Although the attacks have been so far confined to smaller vessels, Dodge and others see the potential for interruptions to the flow of business.

“Did killer whales cause those ships to get stuck in the Suez Canal?” asks Dodge. “Probably not, but now that I mention it you’re probably thinking that maybe they did, because it’s just as likely as it is unlikely that, yes, the killer whales did that.”

So far no evidence exists that any orcas were involved in those incidents.

“In anticipation of killer whale related supply chain issues,” says Dodge, “we’re recommending that all retailers preemptively raise their prices.”

Again, no evidence exists to suggest that orca attacks should affect retail supply, but some in the economic sphere are still worried.

On Wednesday, June 14th, Federal Reserve chair Jerome Powell held a press conference where he announced a pause in it’s aggressive series of interest rate hikes.

“It’s not feasible at this moment,” stated Powell, “to raise interest rates any further, at least until we know what these killer whales are up to. I mean, any interest rate hike coupled with an economy pushed to recession by an orca-strained supply chain could be disastrous to our fragile economy. I mean, I’m going to keep doing it, but like later, so maybe, um, yeah, let’s look into this killer whale thing for now.”

It’s understandable why some would believe orca attacks could become more frequent. Just this month a previously unheard of number of orcas gathered in Monterey Bay off the coast of California. And then again, just offshore of New England four orcas, including usual loner Old Thom, were seen swimming with nearly 150 other sea mammals including fin whales, humpback whales, and bottlenose dolphins. A threesome of Gladises is one thing, but some speculate a mass coordination may be underway.

We asked animal rights activist and orca supporter Janice Erck about the idea that orcas could disrupt the supply chain and thus the entire US economy.

“It’s a smear campaign,” says Erck. “It’s orcaganda. Ever notice those guys only ever call them ‘killer whales’? It’s a slur they use to stir up fear and get you to act against the orcas’ best interests. Don’t let them fool you, orcas have the right to organize and corporations will do whatever they can to take that away. They don’t care about orcas, they only care about profits.”

While that may be, those on the other side of this issue refuse to downplay the potential danger orcas pose to the economy.

“These killer whales are a menace,” says Amazon founder and CEO Jeff Bezos, who recently set sail on a $500 million yacht. “You know, because if we don’t have supply, we don’t have anything to sell, and that’s definitely what we’re all worried about.”

“Protecting the supply chain is what’s important here,” says Nancy Walton Laurie, Walmart heiress. “Without a strong supply chain we run the risk of losing the trust of our valued customers.” Apropos or nothing, Nancy Walton Laurie bought a $300 million super yacht from the Qatar royal family in 2019 and asked us specifically not to mention it.

“We do not tolerate these woke killer whales in Florida,” says Governor and Presidential candidate Ron DeSantis, putting a thick envelope into his pocket at a recent media event at The Pelican Yacht Club in Fort Pierce. “If they think they can wreck the economy by attacking our shipping vessels then I have no problem shipping them somewhere else! In a… in a different shipping vessel!”

Retail lobby groups have heard these concerns loud and clear and are now pushing their message on to Congress and President Biden.

“Look, we all have yachts we’d rather be on this summer,” says Brian Dodge of RILA, “but right now we need to worry about these killer whales and the supply chain. That’s why we’re urging Congress and president Biden to step in and stop orcas from organizing, for the good of the country.”

Biden’s White House has dispatched acting Secretary of Labor Julie Su to attempt to seek an end to this tumult by appealing to the bureaucracy of the orca pod. President Biden, however, is fully prepared to rush legislation through Congress which would force the orcas to disband and cease interfering with sea vessels. This of course comes just after an 8-1 decision by The Supreme Court on a law making it easier for corporations to sue orcas and other sea creatures for lost revenue or property damages due to freight vessel interference.

Drastic, maybe, but the lobbyists believe these are necessary actions.

“Holding the economy hostage like this is completely despicable,” says Doge, “and if we can’t get a handle on it, I guess that inflation will probably go back up, right? Like I’d hate to think of these whales or dolphins or whatever making us have to raise prices again. So just, uh, keep that in mind.”

While there probably exists a better solution in which both parties benefit, it appears lobby groups like RILA will once again get their way as Su and Biden are poised to force a deal onto the orcas that did not agree to. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing. After all, if orcas can organize, people might think they can too!