Panned Pizza

A surefire way for managers to show their appreciation is pizza, motivating employees much the same way you'd motivate a third grader to complete the summer Book-A-Thon. While it remains one of the most popular restaurant foods in America, recent memes and negative connotations of break room pizza has left some managers in knead of an alternative. (Sorry, that was a little cheesy.)

“There was a lot of concern on our last employee survey,” says Carl Mathers, general manager for big-box retailer All-In-One, “about how we overuse pizza parties when most employees would prefer stuff like cash bonuses, medical benefits, or scheduling that allows them to have a life outside of work. It wasn’t easy, but the management team got together and hammered out a plan to address this issue and restore employee morale!”

And what exactly did Mathers’s team come up with?

“From now on there will be no more pizza!”

Okay, and you're replacing it with…?

“Nothing! People didn’t like the pizza parties so we cut the pizza parties!” Mathers mimes dusting off his hands. “Problem solved!”

“Not only is it a no-cost solution,” says district manager Drew Vogel, “but actually saves us money. Mathers and his team really hit it out of the park on this one!”

Vogel would go on to implement the “no pizza” policy throughout his district and All-In-One corporate is likely to take it company-wide.

“We floated all kinds of possible alternatives,” says Mathers, “like letting employees break glass out back, giving them permission to cuss out one customer per month, or maybe like tacos or something. In the end though we figured dropping the hated pizza all together was the best course of action!”

“It was the most elegant solution to the problem at hand, yes,” says Vogel, who, along with Mathers, receives a sizable bonus directly impacted by business expenditures.

As smart a solution as it might be, some All-In-One workers admit they're actually going to miss the pizza.

“Let's face it,” says merchandiser Louis Strong, “they're never going to significantly raise our pay or adequately staff this store. We all know that. We're already getting nothing, but sometimes we'd get nothing and then pizza. Now we're just getting nothing and more nothing.”

“I agree,” says returns clerk Yvette Brown. “If giving us pizza let's managers pretend they care about us then I say let them pretend to care. Not like we're gettin’ anything else out of ‘em!”

“I’d only ever hang around on days there was pizza,” says a sales worker who didn't give their name. “Usually I just clock in, leave, and go do something else for a while, so I guess that's just every day now instead of just most.”

“Wait wait, hang on,” says Mathers, “who said that last thing?”

Sorry, Carl, we don't snitch.

“We weren’t really mad about the pizza parties per se,” says sales worker Marc Elara. “It was more about corporate’s unwillingness to share their record profits with us, or at the very least make our lives a little easier. Shit-talking the pizza was just an expression of that frustration.”

“For real,” adds cashier Tiffany Pirc. “The pizza's alright, but I'd rather be able to go to the dentist and I think I just felt my inner child die as I said that.”

And it's not just All-In-One employees who have felt the sting of this new policy. Jim D’Addio, proprietor of nearby D’Addio's Pizza had this to say about it:

“These kind of cuts are horrible for us. Employee pizza parties are the lifeblood of the pizza restaurant industry! They’re what has allowed me to provide a good life for my family, keep my business afloat, and give my staff a $24 an hour base pay plus full medical benefits. Without the guarantee of that occasional windfall, I just don't know that I can sustain all that, you know?”

“Holy shit,” adds Marc Elara, “is that pizza place hiring!?”

Given all that, we asked if it was possible for general manager Carl Mathers to reconsider his “no more pizza” decision.

“What, and end up part of some Reddit meme that gets shared all over the socials for the next hundred years?” he asks. “No thanks!”

Okay, that's a fair point.

“Besides,” adds Mathers, “we can just take the leftovers from the catered lunch we had for the district manager’s visit and put it out for the staff. There's some rolls in there I think, butter pats, maybe fruit salad, and a whole bowl of horseradish sauce! That should keep ‘em happy!”

Well alright then, that's not nothing we guess!