If These Balls Could Talk

If there's one thing retail managers excel at it's taking arbitrary things and making them into contentious issues. One example of this is forcing their employees to wear uncomfortable, constrictive pants and one employee’s genitalia is not thrilled about it.

Gene Prichard is a merchandiser for big-box retailer Kessler's All-In-One. Recently, Prichard and his coworkers have been informed that their store will soon be providing pants to go along with the uniform, something they haven't required for several years.

“I guess good things can't go on forever,” says Prichard’s genitals of policy change. “Gone are the days of my free-swinging lifestyle and enjoying the cool breeze provided by these light, polyester/spandex cargo shorts.”

While All-In-One has let employees wear the dark blue pants of their choosing for several years now, Prichard's genitalia still remembers days when they weren't so lucky.

“I've never been inside a pair of uniform pants that were comfortable,” says Prichard's junk, “and that goes all the way back to our Catholic school days.”

In order to ensure a proper fit, human resources has put out a rack of the new pants for employees to try on before placing their order.

“I don’t know what these are made out of,” says Prichard’s genitals, “but it feels like a mix of canvas and cement lined with whatever they use in food-delivery bags to keep the pizza hot. Gonna be like living in a portable sauna for eight hours a day, get me cooking in my own juices like a Thanksgiving turkey. In fact, it’ll probably look like that, too.”

After trying on pants and noting their size, employees can expect delivery of the new uniform items in about two weeks, with full-timers like Gene receiving three pairs each.

“Three pairs!?” exclaims Prichard’s incredulous tackle. “We’re here five days a week! We can’t be expected to keep up with that laundry demand! That’s going to be a real nice smell for everyone. On the plus side, maybe it’ll finally get people to keep a respectful distance.”

It’s not only Gene Prichard’s genitalia who are upset about this uniform change.

“I look good in jeans!” says LaTasha’s ass, “and these navy blue potato sacks are doing nothing for me!”

“Practically sandpaper,” says Keith’s thighs about the pants’ texture. “Gonna be a lot of chafing and I fully expect to wear a hole through the crotch within the first week.”

“I don’t like the attitude that this doesn’t affect us,” says Meaghan’s vulva. “We don’t want to be cramped into these tight, hot spaces anymore than you dicks do!”

While anger and resentment abound, the fact remains that the below-the-belt parts of All-In-One’s staff can’t avoid being encased in the sweaty bindle of workplace uniformity. There is, however, a bright side for Eugene’s organ.

“Fabric like this,” says Prichard’s richard, “won’t feel good against the skin. At least now this might convince Gene to start wearing underwear, and I could honestly use some support.”

Couldn't we all, Gene’s penis? Couldn't we all?