Parks and Wrecked

Governor Ron DeSantis, better known as “the heel in heels” or “what would happen if a wet fart ran for president”, believes Florida is all about fun and games. Unfortunately, they’re all stupid games for vapid white people and the “fun” part is giving up your land for them.

Dean Stull of Temple Terrace woke up Thursday morning, poured himself a cup of coffee, and looked out the window to his backyard. But what he saw out there was not his immaculate landscaping and frolicking squirrels. In fact, a good chunk of the yard was missing entirely.

“They had backhoes and chainsaws,” says Stull describing the men excavating his property. “I had a lot of native plants that were all pulled up along with much of the grass. The kids’ swing set and sandbox were thrown up against the house along with a pile of lumber that used to be their treehouse.”

Stull, confused and irate over the state of his yard, decided to confront the workers as they began laying what looked like concrete framework. They informed him that his land had been designated by The State of Florida to house a public pickleball court.

“What the hell even is a pickleball!?” asks Stull.

As it turns out, the desecration of Dean Stull’s backyard is all part of Ron DeSantis’s Great Outdoors Initiative, which we imagine he thought up while watching the classic 1988 film of the same name starring John Candy and Dan Ackroyd. 

We reached out to the governor’s office for more information on the program and got pawned off on a spokesperson.

“The pickleball court in Mr. Stull’s yard is just one of many such projects in this exciting, new initiative,” says state spokesperson Elisha Tomilson about the Uncle Buck Initiative that also includes a disc golf course on somebody’s lawn in Mt. Dora and a full eighteen-hole golf course spanning several people’s yards near Naples.

“That's all well and… stupid,” says Stull, “but I still don't know what the crap pickleball is or why I have to sacrifice my backyard for it.”

“Oh, pickleball is amazing,” says Tomilson. “He's going to love it! We hope he takes full advantage of the new facility. He is paying for it after all!”

“Me!?” asks Stull. “Why am I the one stuck paying for this thing I don't even want!? And why won't anybody just tell me what in the sweet fuck pickleball is!?”

“If Mr. Stull has objections to the initiative,” says Tomilson, “he's welcome to voice his concern at the committee meeting to be held from 3:04 a.m. until 3:17 a.m. next Tuesday at a location TBD.”

“Do you mean Tuesday night or Tuesday morning?” asks Stull.

“We'll figure that out,” says Tomilson, “after we see which one you show up for.”

The primary concern of the Plains, Trains and Automobiles Initiative is to use the pickleball court to attract tourists to come enjoy the beauty and splendor of the yard that was destroyed to build it. In addition, the public will also be able to access a facility featuring restrooms, showers, a fully functional kitchen, two bedrooms, a master suite, and onsite laundry which will employ a staff to do all the cooking and cleaning. On closer inspection of the plans they’re actually just referring to Stull’s house and family. Shit. Sorry, buddy.

“It's unbelievable,” says Stull, “that they could just decide to do something so stupid and wasteful on what's supposed to be the property of a Florida resident.”

“Well that's the price we pay to live in the freest state in the country!” says Tomilson. “Now pass me that pickleball paddle, I'm taking your asses to school!”