A mid-sized grocery chain is making a big splash by introducing a first-of-its-kind, AI powered loss prevention robot in order to combat shoplifting.

“This is a monumental day today,” says Geoff O’Hara, manager of the East Palo Alto location of Save-a-Ton Grocers. “Not just for us, but for loss prevention everywhere. And let me tell you, it feels amazing being on the ground floor of this.”

O’Hara stands with his staff at the front of the store moments before open, the revolutionary robotic loss prevention officer still draped under a white sheet waiting to be unveiled.

“Is everybody ready!?” he shoots to his staff, all who affirm in varying degrees of enthusiasm. “Okay then! Three! Two!...”

At “One!”, he whips the sheet off a four-foot tall robot. It seems built along the human-like structure of head-torso-legs, omitting the arms. It's mostly gray with blue trim in places, has a black visor-like sensor for “eyes” which give it its only semblance of a face, and sits atop the kind of belt rollers you'd see on a military tank. An engraved plate in its chest meant to mimic a nametag says “PORCED”.

“Team,” shouts O’Hara over the chattering, awed workers, “meet the Prevention of Organized Retail Crime Enforcement Device, also known as Porky, your new coworker!”

“It's a lot more plastic than I thought it would be,” says one employee eyeing the robot. “Like if they remade Short Circuit and let Tyco design Johnny 5.”

“Might as well just call it Narc Bot 9000,” says stocker Hugh Jardon. “ACAB includes that thing right there!”

“These people have clearly never seen Chopping Mall,” says overnight cleaner Paul Jacobi.

“These people already cry about self-checkout,” says cashier Michelle Leung, “just imagine how mad they're gonna be with R2D2 over here telling them to stop entering all their produce as bananas.”

“No, I don't think these things will replace us,” says loss prevention officer Antonio Morancy unprompted. “None of that AI stuff works right anyway. Nah, I'm not worried.”

“This is really state of the art stuff,” says Randy Clermont, a Save-a-Ton IT Tech at the store for PORCED’s unveiling. “It has access to all our store’s data to help detect and deter theft. It also comes equipped with a taser, pepper spray, can administer a mild sedative, and even has zip ties if it needs to detain someone. It's uh, it's really neat.”

“Wait, this thing’s weaponized?” says Morancy. “I didn't know that. Do you really think that's a good–”

“Let's turn him on!” Shouts O’Hara as the store is about to open.

Clermont flips a switch and a blue LED light behind the PORCED's visor indicates that it's now operational.

“It's connecting to the company database,” he says, “figuring out the most likely sources of theft and how to prevent them.”

It's still for a moment, but then suddenly springs to life. Its rollers are whirring as PORCED zips around the store, seeking its first potential retail crime and… it’s actually heading towards the exit.

“Hey, should somebody stop it?” asks O'Hara as PORCED triggers the automatic door and goes out into the parking lot.

By the time anyone has the wherewithal to follow, the robot is already long gone, probably having zipped around some corner and off to who-the-crud-knows.

“We're not sure what went wrong,” says Cremont, “but once we find it, we'll be able to figure it out and patch it. I only hope it isn't too badly damaged by the time we get it back.”

“Figures,” says Hugh Jardon and oh my god I just got that. “It took one look at life in retail and fucked right off.”

“Yup,” adds Morancy, “guess some of this AI stuff isn't as dumbshit as they seem.”

“I just feel betrayed,” says O’Hara. “Porky hurt me bad when he rolled out of that door and out of my life, but even after all that I just really hope he's okay.”

While we don't know where PORCED went or if it will ever come back, we only hope that the East Palo Alto Save-a-Ton can combat the theft on its own for the time being, even though only PORCED and PORCED alone knew the source of the worst potential crime at Save-a-Ton….

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Investigators were baffled by the scene found at the Palo Alto home of Save-a-Ton Grocers CEO Terrence Woodall.

According to police reports, Woodall was found dead yesterday morning on his living room floor. The reports go on to specify that Woodall, who was home alone at the time, had been pepper-sprayed, electrocuted, and drugged before his death by strangulation.

The strangest part of this story however were the tracks left on Woodall’s carpet that resemble those made by the caterpillar tracks of military tanks.

The police currently have no leads on a possible motive or suspect at this time.

We will update this story as more details become available.