Remote Control

In corporate offices across the country, executives are wondering if their remote workers are actually working. Well if you think they are then I’d offer to sell you a bridge except that the person who handles the paperwork for transfers of bridge ownership is remote and probably lounging by the pool right now instead of notarizing bridge deeds.

During the COVID-19 pandemic, a large portion of the workforce was graciously invited to work from home in accordance with the CDC guidelines on social distancing. While many workers have since returned, some are still out in the world, sitting at a desk in their home, videoconferencing into work, and free of the ever watchful, motivating eye of management.

David P. Milford is the president and CEO of Laureate Infosystems, a company who still has a significant portion of their employees working remotely. Milford has recently started wondering whether his employees are even working at all.

“I haven’t really been wondering that,” says Milford. “Your publication contacted my office insisting you had information about our employees that we needed to hear.”

As you know, you have a slew of workers still working from home despite the fact that the pandemic has been over for several years. Do you honestly believe those employees are staying productive during the time they’re being paid to work for your company?

“Well,” says Milford, “we have several metrics and quotas in place to measure the productivity of our remote workers, and I can say we’ve been very pleased with the results thus far.”

Listen nerd, we get that you love your numbers and spreadsheets and stuff, but do you want to know what your employees are actually doing or not?

“Okay, the name-calling isn’t necessary,” says Milfrod, “but obviously I want to know that, yes.”

Anyway, a recent survey conducted by EvaluChimp found that home workers are basically making up their own rules as they go. Around 50% of remote employees do chores, run errands, or cuddle their cats while on the clock. Additionally, about a third admit to watching TV or playing video games during work time while a whopping 4% have admitted to working multiple jobs at the same time. Most shockingly is that nearly all remote workers admit they scroll social media, eat a snack, or use the bathroom during most work days.

“I don’t know,” says Milford. “That information doesn’t seem very damning. I’ve seen worse on any unannounced stroll through our offices. And again, if the work expected of them is getting done then I still fail to see any major issues outside that small percentage working for other companies.”

Maybe you really are as gullible as you are stupid. I guess that means you don’t want specific examples of what your own employees are getting up to while working from home then.

“Again, rude,” says Milford, “and I definitely want to hear specific examples.”

Rebecca Balfour is a data analyst who works from her home in Mountlake Terrace, Washington who formerly had a cubicle in Laureate’s Seattle office. Over the past month Rebecca has several times mentioned on social media that she’s been going for runs around her neighborhood some days and doing yoga in her living room others. If you look at the photos I’m currently sharing to your screen you’ll see pictures of Rebecca doing yoga from her Facebook page with a clock in the background reading 11:26 a.m. as well as some screenshots from a neighbor’s Ring camera showing her jog by at around 1:30 p.m. on a different day. Both of these instances fall well within what could reasonably be assumed to be Rebecca’s workday.

“Okay, well yeah,” says Milford, “while that’s not technically what we pay her for, it’s not the worst thing in the world to see our employees engage in healthy lifestyles as opposed to sitting and snacking in an office breakroom.”

I know, she’s so busted, right!

“I’m not going to lie,” adds Milford, “it’s a little creepy that you even have those pictures.”

I’m now sending you a link to a video of surveillance footage from an Aldi in Riverview, Florida, just outside your Tampa offices. Here you’ll see Josh Nauffts, a Laureate Infosystems marketing specialist, but I guess that only means he specializes in slacking off while at a market. Note that he’s talking while wearing a bluetooth earpiece. Yup, he’s on a workcall, on the clock getting paid, squeezing the avocados. Still think your remote employees are staying productive?

“While it doesn’t seem to be the ideal environment for it,” says Milford, “you can’t say he’s not doing his job. I’m frankly more concerned with how you even got this video. I don't believe they'd let just anyone see their surveillance tapes.”

We told the manager that someone pickpocketed us in the produce section and threatened to sue them if they didn’t give us access to the day’s recordings.

“Well that’s horrible.”

Do you want us to stop showing you these?

“No,” concedes Milford, “of course not, but all the same, holy Hell!”

Thought so.

Next is Claire Scott, a customer service representative who works out of her home in Ann Arbor, Michigan and reports to her manager in the Chicago office. You won’t believe what she gets up to! If you’ll please direct your attention to the slideshow I’m sharing to your screen.

In this first slide you’ll see a photo of Claire talking to a friend at a coffee shop during working hours last week.

“This isn’t from social media,” says Milford. “This looks like someone was standing outside taking pictures through the window.”

Next is a short video clip of the crack under the door to Claire’s home office. You can only really see her shadow moving around inside, but if you listen carefully you’ll hear she’s having a conversation with her mother regarding issues they both have with Claire’s brother’s current girlfriend. From the context we can gather that neither think she’s good enough for him. This is again taking place during the time Claire should be working.

“How the hell did you even get this?” asked Milford, clearly flabbergasted by the rampant time theft he’s witnessing. “This is like a major violation of our staff’s privacy!”

Lastly, you’ll see a photo which is admittedly of poor quality where you can nonetheless see Claire watching the television show Scrubs on her iPad while defecating in her bathroom. And yep, you guessed it, still on the clock!

“This is unbelievable.”

Thanks, it was really hard to get that shot actually.

“Am I going to be on some kind of registry for having seen this!?”

And this is all just the tip of the iceberg! We have much, much more evidence of this nature of remote Laureate employees goofing off while they should be working!

“Holy shit, this is so bad.”

I’m glad you agree! So will you be bringing your employees back into the office then?

“No!” says Milford. “If anything I’m going to report you and your publication to the authorities for stalking!”

I'm a journalist, sir, we're allowed to do that.

“No! You're not!” shouts Milford, “and I'm not going to tell someone they have to somehow commute from Ann Arbor to Chicago just because they watch TV on the can!”

Well, I’m sorry to hear you say that. Before you go doing anything drastic though, why not take a look at one last piece of evidence.

I’m now sending you a link to a livestream of one high-ranking Laureate Infosystems executive taking time out of what should be his busy workday to talk to a reporter from a low-level business news website.

“Holy shit, what is this?”

Milford looks closely at the video feed that shows the back of a balding man’s head sticking up over a leather chair in a large home office.

“Is that…”

He raises a hand off the arm of the chair and sees the movement mirrored in the feed. He turns quickly around in the direction the camera would be pointing.

“Where are you!?” demands Milford. “How are you doing this!?”

If you would please look back at your screen you’ll see one more example.

“This is…” says Milford, “...a classroom? I don’t get… Wait? Is that my son!? Do you have someone at my son’s school, you sick son of bitch!?”

Listen. We know it’s hard for people to return to the office after working from home for so long, but it’s hard for a lot of people right now. Some of us, for instance, have a lot of money tied up in commercial real estate investments. That real estate needs office workers to occupy it or it becomes worthless. Do you understand?

“Yeah,” says Milford, “I… I think so.”

Okay then. So you’ll be moving your remote workers back into the office?

“I… uh, I guess we can start having discussions about…”

It’s a simple yes-or-no question, Mr. Milford.

“Yes, of course” says Milford, clearly shaken by the revelation that his remote employees are taking unfair advantage of the lack of the managerial supervision, thus justifying the decision he came to all by himself, “we’ll be calling them back in as soon as possible, okay.”

Very good, Mr. Milford. And just so you know, some of us have a lot invested in Generative AI at the moment as well, so we’ll probably be in touch again real soon….

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