Retail Etiquette

When shopping, like any activity done alongside the general public, it’s plain to see that many people don’t exactly act right. This may be a generational problem as each subsequent generation seems to behave more poorly than the last. To correct this behavior, I’ve compiled this list of instructions on how one should act while in a retail environment. Enjoy and take note!

Don’t bother looking around the store for what you need

Stores are big. Save your steps for chasing dog walkers away from your property. I know you don’t really live in this neighborhood, Omar, if that even is your real name and not one I assigned to you in my head because you look someone who might be named Omar, I don't know!

Why waste your precious time walking around this humongous store when there’s always somebody right there who already knows where everything is? I mean, at least somebody should be there and they should know where everything is but you never know with the kids they hire these days.

Anywho, just find the closest employee to the store entrance and ask them where it is rather than wander around David Bowie’s stupid labyrinth. Really, they should offer to walk you over or get it for you, but not everyone understands the meaning of “service” anymore so don’t be afraid to ask them to! While you're at it, have them bring it up to the register for you as well. 

Never say “excuse me”

Remember, they should be the ones approaching you! If they haven’t offered to assist you right then and there when you’ve decided you need assistance then it's their failing as a customer service representative.

Chances are though that you will need to approach them (thanks a lot, Biden!), but don't waste either your time greeting them or being polite. Simply step to them and start asking your question regardless of whatever else they're doing at the moment. Let your attitude convey your displeasure in their lack of attentiveness.

One good trick to get them to hop-to is to just shout out your question from wherever you’re standing. If they don’t immediately appear at your side eager to help then just yell out your question again but louder. Use the same method you’d use when addressing someone who doesn’t speak English (there’s a lot of overlap there anyway).

Also remember a loud sigh or belting out the phrase “CAN I GET SOME SERVICE HERE!?” can do wonders!

Own the aisle

You’re the customer. The aisle is literally there for you! If there’s an employee in your way, just keep walking towards them without slowing or giving any indication you see them at all. They'll move. It’s in their job description to get out of your way. As a customer, your needs are always more important than anything they could possibly be doing, it’s just logical. And don’t worry about getting run over by their pallet jacks or stock carts or whatever. They know how to stop! Get right in their path as you see fit!

Sometimes the employees will act like you’re impeding them from doing their job, but they only have one job and that’s ensuring customer satisfaction. Never forget you’re the customer and that’s your aisle! You can put up a cot and a take a nap if you wanted to and they can’t say boo about it!

Don’t ever worry about being in other customers’ way either. When shopping in groups be sure to walk abreast as to take up as much of the walkway as possible. If you need to park your cart across the aisle to take a good, long look at something, that’s nobody’s business but yours! Waiting for you won’t kill anyone. Let everyone else sigh and ask you to let them pass all they want, just don’t give in. People are always in such a hurry these days. You’re practically doing them a favor by forcing them to slow down and look around.

Also, if you see your friend you haven't seen in for-ev-er, make sure you have a nice, long catch-up right then and there.

Feel free to multi-task

Go ahead and have that loud speaker phone call. Watch a TV show or sportsball game on your phone at full volume. If people don’t like it, they're free to not listen.

It's okay to break stuff 

Go ahead and open up any packaging you need to. You never know when the item in the box is going to be different from the one on display. It’s actually okay to insist they sell you the display one anyway. Why would you even want to buy the display? That’s none of their business but it’s your right to make them sell it to you! Do they hate money now!? Anyway, I digress…

It’s okay to eat from a package and then not buy it. Or to throw merchandise to the floor to test its durability. Or to open a box, dump its contents out, and fill it with other items worth more than the box’s original contents which are now trash. Retailers call this “shrink” and it’s built into the price so you’ve already paid for the privilege.

A good thing to remember too is that if someone else breaks something, especially an employee, that it’s always hilarious to yell something out about it like “opa!”, “go ahead and put that anywhere!”, or the classic “that’s coming out of your pay, hahaha!”. That’s just part of the fun of shopping!

Also you should always demand a discount on damaged merchandise, even if you're the one who damaged it.

It's in stock, if they say it's not they're lying

Retail employees like you tell you things are out of stock so they don't need to bother helping you find it. Don't be fooled! Make them check the back!

When they try to pull this stunt, simply remind them the internet says they have it. And yes, search results from The Google are always accurate to what the store sells or has in stock. Their AI algorithm is scraping the store's inventory system every few minutes, so you can trust it implicitly and don't let some employee tell you otherwise.

Just put /your unwanted merchandise anywhere

If you're not sure if you want something, pick it up anyway. In fact, pick up a whole bunch of stuff you don't intend to buy in case you change your mind. Once you decide you don't want it, just drop it anywhere, even if you've only walked like two feet away. We move forward, never backwards!

Store employees don't have the right to tell you what to do

Here's a few bullet points on some things they think they can tell you not to do but you totally could (and should):

• Go ahead and bring your dog in, it's your dog! Legally they're not even allowed to ask if it's a service dog. Besides, the only requirement for a dog to be a service dog is for you to declare it as such. 

• You're not required to "control" your kids in public. You do enough of that at home, you shouldn't be expected to do it when you're shopping as well.

• Shoes are optional everywhere, and not just because it says so on that t-shirt you bought in Florida, it’s the law! If they tell you there's broken glass all over you tell them they need to sweep better!

• Tell anyone who'll listen about your political opinions. And by "anyone who'll listen" I mean the staff because they're required to listen.

• You don't have to listen or put up with other people's annoying, little brats. If someone else's goblin brood is bothering you, be sure to let the staff know so they can deal with it. You can ask them yourself but store management is going to get involved anyway because moms don't like being told they're doing a lousy job raising their hellspawn, so you might as well cut out the middleman. Except the literal middleman, that being the store manager.

"Karen" is a disgusting, racist, sexist slur

That's not really relevant, I just try to bring it up in every conversation I have.

Note the prices of lower-cost items near the ones you intend to buy

They say prices aren't negotiable anymore, but they are, you just need to learn the new techniques. One is to pretend the pricing is too confusing and insist they honor the price of a cheaper item near the one you picked up. If you yell enough they'll honor it just to get rid of you. And make sure to remember whoever gave you the lower price to drop their names next time you come in.

And yes, if another customer picks something up and drops in the place of a cheaper item, you get it for the price of the cheaper item. That's another law they pretend not to know about.

Don't use self-checkout

You don't work there, so why do a cashier's job for free!? In fact, make sure you tell them that when you check out so they know how you feel about it.

Don't forget to brag about how you told them what's what on The Facebook when you get home!

The store's operating hours are a loose suggestion

The best time to shop is right when the store closes. Try to get there as close to closing time as possible, after the store closes ideally. Don't worry about the staff, they're hourly so you're actually doing them a favor.

Once the store is closed, the lights are dimmer, the crowd has gone (except that one family that always seems to be there for some reason), and everything's been neatened up. It's the perfect time to shop!

For you early birds, don't be afraid to show up early to shop. If they're in there, you can shop. Please, like it requires any extra effort for them to let you in a few minutes early to get a head start on everyone else. Just bang on or violently shake the doors until they let you in.

The manager should always be on your side

A store manager should consider the customer as sanctified. If there's an issue between you and an employee, the manager should back you up on it, no matter what it is. If they don't, ask for their manager (there's always a bigger manager).

Remember the term “the customer is always right”? Well that's a credo that all managers are required and you literally can't be wrong in their eyes.

If a manager is being intransigent just bring up that you already have your own lawyer on retainer who's ready to take up this case. Don't have a lawyer? Well you do when you're arguing with the manager! Also you know the store owner.

Most Importantly, always respect the staff!

The staff are there to help you. I cannot stress enough that this is literally their only job. But that doesn't mean you can treat them anyway you want, so here's some quick bullets to keep you engaging in a fun and respectful way:

• Ask if they work there. You never know!

• Use the name on their name tag to forge an immediate bond.

• Call them out if you see a bunch of them standing around chit-chatting (make sure you use that term, “chit-chatting”). This is to help them remember they're there to work, not to make friends and have fun!

• Inquire if they've accepted Jesus Christ as their lord and savior so they know you care about their eternal soul.

• Tell them to smile if they're not. This will help them stay positive which makes them do a better job of pleasing customers. Also, in the case of a female one, they'll look prettier!

• Stand directly behind them and watch them work. Everyone likes to be noticed!

• Only tell the manager when they do something wrong, not when they do something right, even if they go above and beyond (which should be every time, honestly). Leaving them a kudos only serves to make them feel awkward or give them a big head while a harsh criticism is a much welcome opportunity to improve.

• Make sure they understand the thing you're yelling at them about is not their fault.

• Make sure to let them know that you prefer a different store in the area that has better prices and customer service. This will ignite their competitive spirit and make them give the maximum effort to please their valuable customers!

• Don't thank them. The feeling they get from a job well done is all the thanks they'll ever need and nothing you say can ever top that! So once they've helped you you can just walk away.

• And of course, the most respectful thing you can do to a customer server is to not treat them like a person. Think of them more like a piece of equipment or the store shelving. This is the best way to make them feel useful. Any time you spend interacting with them as you would an actual person is wasted and detrimental to the pride that comes with inanimate utility!

Okay, so I think that's it. Use this guide whenever you shop and be everyone's favorite customer!

[Editor's note: Seriously, this woman does not represent us!]