Ron DeSantis: Running in Heels

We can now confirm from several sources at the scene that Florida governor, author, and closet Disney adult Ron DeSantis had himself a retail therapy session earlier this week, looking to purchase high-heeled men’s shoes. We speculate that these are somehow for his campaign to be the next United States president.

“Ron has issues feeling small,” says long-time DeSantis family friend Ralph Jansen, “so he likes shoes with the heel. I don’t see a problem with it, you can’t be out there running for president lookin’ like a short ass.”“Dude’s got more boots in his closet than Nancy Sinatra,” says fellow footwear fashionista Tootsie St. Claire. “Remember when he did that hurricane relief in those white, little booties? He likes to feel cute. I bet he paints his toenails hot pink or neon yellow and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, honey.”“I just don’t understand how he can keep demonizing us drag queens,” says performer Rhonda Santis, “when we clearly shop at the same shoe stores.”

As a self-proclaimed (probably) “shoe slut”, DeSantis would never underestimate the importance of a good pair of shoes, which was most likely his aim during a recent trip to Tallahassee shoe store Bootstraps.

“Dude comes in during the slowest part of the day on a Tuesday,” says Bootstrap sales worker Luis Gacha. “He tries on like six pairs of shoes and leaves them and the boxes just all over the place. And I’m just like ‘so much for an easy morning’, you know?”

But of all the shoes tossed around the shop, nothing seemed to please DeSantis.

“He comes up after like forty minutes with this leather dress shoe with a six-inch heel and is like ‘is this the tallest heel you got here?’. I tell him ‘for men, yes, not unless you wanna be walking around looking like Disco Stu or something’.”

It was at this time that DeSantis, who was, apropos of nothing, probably wearing three toe rings at the time, got quite belligerent.

“He showed me this picture of him standing next to Donald Trump,” says Gacha, “and Trump is like a good head taller and he’s all like ‘you think this guy is taller than me? This fuckin’ guy!? No, it’s all lifts and padded suits, now find me a pair of shoes to make me look taller or get me your manager!’.”

“Normally I don’t mind losing an abusive customer,” says manager Peter Lozano, “but this guy spends so much money here it’s in our best interest to keep him happy and in heels. However, during this particular visit nothing was going to give him the confidence he so desperately needed.”

After speaking to the manager and looking at several higher-heeled shoes in a catalog that would have to be special ordered, DeSantis, who likes to cosplay as fellow manlet Tom Cruise in the movie Maverick: A Top Gun Adventure, left the store unhappy, muttering “This store is so woke now.”

For insight on Ron DeSantis’s inner need to feel tall, we turn again to drag performer Rhonda Santis: “He needs those shoes because he’s probably feeling inadequate in some other areas, and by that I mean in the ding-dong region.”

While “ding-dong region” seems like a funny, colloquial way to refer to the state of Florida, perhaps there is something to that. Many of DeSantis’s kooky and, dare we say, backwards-ass laws have failed to pass muster with state judges, which could leave DeSantis feeling rather inadequate down in the ding-dong region.

Sales worker Gacha offers up a simpler answer: “Fascists just got a thing for them boots.”Well, we here at The Serving Times wouldn’t go as far as to say that Ron DeSantis is an actual fascist, but if the boot fits….