Shop Through the Heart and You've No Game

While you may think the way that cashier smiles, makes eye contact, and brushes her hair back are all indicators of undeniable attraction, don’t go putting a down payment on that engagement ring just yet. Recent studies from leading institutions suggest that you haven’t actually had the romantic connection you think you did.

It’s commonly held that customer service workers are only nice to customers they find attractive and want to date, but new information is now challenging that notion. Studies done by both The Massachusetts Institute of Blatancy (MIB) and The Harvard Office of Unambiguous Information (HOUI) have concluded that most patron-facing workers are only doing their job as per their training when they’re being nice to you. The studies make sure to note that this is especially true of cashiers due to the fact that the majority of their day is spent working closely with customers.

“It may be hard to believe,” says Professor Obvious of MIB, “that people could be so starved for affection that they’d mistake something like banal pleasantries as an indication of attraction, but that seems to be exactly the case. Out of over 100 interactions we observed it was apparent that the attraction was completely one-sided.”

“If you look at the Missed Connections section on Craigslist,” adds Professor Uranidiot of HOUI, “it would appear that most cashiers are outwardly flirting with their customers on an almost minute-by-minute basis. Our findings have been quite the opposite, actually, showing that cashiers are nearly never flirting with their customers.”

“I don’t care what those eggheads say,” says Mark Padilla who has just walked out of a CVS after being rung out by a cashier half his age, “that girl is totally into me. She probably just didn’t give me her number ‘cuz of some corporate bullshit.”

The results seem to fly in the face of overwhelming logic, not to mention contradict that this one cashier at the 7-Eleven near my old apartment was all about me, but these results are backed up by validity tests done at Are You Serious University, Of Course You Dumb Shit Institute, Get a Fucking Clue Community College, Just Download Tinder You Pathetic Loser University Phoenix Campus, and Stanford University.

As soul-crushing and cupid-murdering as it may seem, it’s true that you don’t have a shot with that cashier and you should probably just let her do her job in peace. Yes, we understand that you’re a total Alpha and can have any girl you want if you just put in the effort, but in this case you’d just be wasting your time trying.

“I’d even go so far,” adds Professor Uranidiot, “as to say there’s less than a .0001% chance of it actually happening, but only because my intellectual curiosity and romanticism prevent me from saying it’s really a 0% chance, even though, you know, there’s definitely no chance of it ever happening, especially in your case, Dave!”

So the next time you’re out shopping and think you may have had a meet-cute with some bubbly, friendly customer service worker, please remember that there has been extensive research done to prove unequivocally that you have no shot with her and you should just make your purchase and leave her alone.

Unless you’re absolutely sure, because that could be a once-in-a-lifetime chance at true happiness and you’ll never know if you don’t act.