Out of Sight, Out of Stock

Reports have surfaced from a Walmart Supercenter in Derby, Kansas that a customer has been staring at a shelf “for like forever”, according to staff. A Serving Times representative is now on the scene to confirm details.

Yes, we can now attest that the customer in question, a middle-aged caucasian male in a Polo shirt, cargo shorts, and New Balance sneakers, is indeed staring at a shelf in the condiment aisle, apparently fixated on an empty slot amongst the varieties of Heinz Ketchup.

“We think he’s looking for the Heinz Pickle Ketchup,” says Jeff, one of the workers on the sales floor. “It’s just Ketchup with like pickle brine mixed in. Some people like it, I don’t know.”

[Editor’s note: Heinz Ketchup is not a sponsor of The Serving Times and did not pay us to mention their products in this article. Also that ketchup sounds disgusting but we’re probably going to try it anyway.]

Despite the fact that the item is clearly out of stock, the man continues to stare at the shelf as if it represents the empty hole inside of him that only pickle ketchup can fill.

“You ever try the mayochup?” asks Jeff. “It’s mayo and ketchup mixed together. Not bad on a burger.”

Let’s try to stay on track here, Jeff.

“I don’t know what this dude’s problem is,” says Marcy, another floor worker who has now joined us. “It’s either there or it’s not. Staring isn’t going to magically make it appear.”

Or will it!? No, it won’t. Unfortunately for this particular customer, Walmart’s shelves are not restocked via hopeless desires and wishes.

“Oh boy, there he goes,” says Jeff. “He’s pacing back and forth now. That’ll definitely help the situation!”

Indeed, the New-Balanced gentleman has begun walking back and forth in front of the many ketchups. As mere observers we cannot know whether he’s trying to see the shelf from different angles to find his precious condiment or if he’s just in awe of how many varieties of ketchup they make nowadays and is having trouble taking it all in.

“It’s so weird,” says Paul, another worker who joins us and smells like he just took his break out in his car if you know what I mean. “It’s like, he’s staring at the ketchup, and we’re staring at him, but is someone staring at us?”

I try to be inconspicuous for a moment, but also I might have a slight contact going at the moment.

As the situation enters its third, possibly fourth minute, the customer has stopped pacing and instead stands in front of the ketchup hole, bending over to look to the way, way back of the shelf.

“Can’t believe it hasn’t popped out of thin air yet,” says Jeff.

“Maybe he thinks Mr. Tumnus is going to pass him a bottle from Narnia,” adds Marcy.

“What if time doesn’t exist and in some way he’s been here staring at that shelf forever?” says Paul.

“Has anyone actually thought to walk up and ask that customer if he needs help?” asks Ted, a floor supervisor who has just joined us. “You all know that we have more of the pickle ketchup as an impulse add-on over by the grills right?”

Well, thanks to Ted, the spoil-sport floor supervisor, we will never know how long the customer would’ve continued to fruitlessly stare at the shelf. It could’ve been as short as thirty seconds more, as long as a minute and half, or as Paul suggests “throughout all of time infinitum”. All we can say for sure is that the guy has weird tastes and no sense of when to cut one’s losses and just ask for help.