Slack Tasking

By now we’re all familiar with Quiet Quitting [wanking motion] and what it entails. While only doing the job you’re paid for is enough for some, others are finding a higher value in doing even less in an act they refer to as “Slack Tasking”.

Slack Tasking is the act of doing as little work as possible while on the clock. The theory states that the less effort you put forth the more valuable your wages become. Your wage will always remain constant, but you can change its non-financial value by fluctuating the amount of effort you exert to earn it.

The principle can be explained mathematically as such: 

Wage ÷ Effort = Value

So you see that the less effort you exert the more valuable the wage you receive actually is.

Some other terms for Slack Tasking are Slacktating (as you’re milking your shift for it’s maximum value) and Slackturbating (as you’re milking… you know what, it’s self explanatory).

Slack Tasking isn’t for everybody, we know, but for those who would like to squeeze every possible bit of value from their shift, we have 11 tips to get you Slack Tasking today!

Please note before you read on that this is NOT a guide to laziness. We are definitely NOT encouraging workers to hide in the back room scrolling through their phones. No, with Slack Tasking you are still an active worker, you’re just doing as little work as possible.

Okay, glad we cleared that up. Now let’s get slackin’….

1 – Always Be on the Way Somewhere or in the Middle of Something

You should never, and, I can’t stress this enough, I mean NEVER be “just” going anywhere.

In my old management training they advised us to “always be on the way”, which meant, stupidly, that you should always be heading to your next task directly after finishing your current task. In short, never stop tasking! I interpreted this advice differently and smarterly.

Take your break for example. If you tell your manager you’re going on break they expect you back on task within 15 minutes, barely giving you enough time to do all the things on your phone you’ve been neglecting.

Now, how a Slack Tasker would handle that interaction is to say they’re going on break, but only after completing an additional task that will take an undefined amount of time.

This also works if you’re being paged somewhere. For example, if you get summoned to a cash register try saying something like “Okay, I just need to dump this cardboard at the baler before I head up” and then take your sweet-ass time (more on that later).

In addition to this situational advice, you should also be in the habit of always seeming harried and in the middle of an arduous task that just needs to get done. No, you’re not slacking off, you’re just in the middle of re-merching the hot sauces and had to step away for a customer price check. Will it ever end! No, for your intents and purposes, it should never end.

It also helps to get caught working by a boss, though this is admittedly hard to stage. It might be better to recognize when you’ve genuinely been caught working and know you can then use that to your advantage when looking to undermine your employer’s expectations later.

Employ these techniques properly and you should be able to easily tack a few more minutes on to that break or gain some extra breathing time here and there while you go about your duties.

2 – Carry a Clipboard

Carrying a clipboard around with you is by far one of the easiest ways to appear to be working. Unrelated, it’s also a great way to just walk right into areas you don’t belong. People automatically assume a person with a clipboard is busy with something they’re supposed to be doing.

One trick is to print something work related; an inventory count spreadsheet or inspection report for example; and layer that over a crossword puzzle, sudoku, connect the dots, short story, or whatever leisurely activity you can print on a sheet of paper.

If you want different props or just like being theatrical, you can always be carrying a WET FLOOR sign or pulling a pallet jack or U-cart. However, those are too cumbersome to be practical, but a well-placed cart of cardboard or go-backs for you to roll out at a moment’s notice could easily sell the idea that you’re working. A clipboard in hand, however, is by far the simplest and lightest prop to aid you in appearing to be working.

3 – Blame Everything on Someone Who Recently Resigned

Losing a coworker who has quit or been fired doesn’t have to be all bad. It can also be an opportunity to unload some blame for tasks you’ve failed to complete or mistakes you’ve made.

The amount of crap you can hoist off onto an ex-coworker depends on a few factors: how well-liked they were, how long they worked there, and what their actual duties were.

For example, a universally hated manager who oversaw your department could be a goldmine. Repercussions of their fuckery could theoretically resound for years.

Conversely, a well-liked part-timer who only worked three nights a week isn’t going to give you much leeway. Also keep in mind your coworkers won’t appreciate you talking shit about someone they’re still friends with.

It would help to remember not to overdo it and blame the ex-coworker for so much as to raise suspicion. Also, try to keep the timeline straight in your head and don’t go blaming a coworker who quit a month ago for something that happened yesterday.

And yes, this would technically work with a coworker who has recently died, but please just show some decorum and don’t besmirch anyone’s memory.

4 – Have Trouble at Home

If I have one regret from my divorce it’s that I didn’t milk it for all it was worth at work.

Pulling this off depends on how much your job cares about your mental wellbeing and how comfortable you are lying about or oversharing your personal issues.

Make sure to keep things reeled in so you don’t get straight up sent home (unless that’s what you want, but blowing off your shift is NOT part of Slack Tasking). A useful phrase could be something like “I don’t really want to talk about it, I just need a few minutes if that’s okay”, and then enjoy the extra break!

And please, don’t purposely cause issues at home just for the opportunity to slack a little. You don't need to live your routine, you’re not Christian Bale in The Prestige.

5 – Know How to Do Something Others Don’t Want/Know How to Do

This is something you should be doing anyway (lest I need to write a guide to becoming indispensable), but it folds nicely into Slack Tasking as well.

Completing a task nobody else wants to do affords you a few opportunities to Slack Task. For starters, others won’t know how long the task actually takes to complete, giving you ample time to dilly-dally. Secondly, if you’ve done your duty in making the job sound harder than it really is (a practice you should really get into) then coworkers and supervisors will instinctively avoid helping you, giving you some alone time.

Eventually, though, you will be asked to train someone on this procedure. Sorry, it’s unavoidable. However, every problem is another opportunity.

Make sure your training is as long and convoluted as possible. Make a meal out of it, as they say. And hey, you’re also doing the trainee a favor by wasting their time as well! How charitable of you!

Not only can you chew up a huge chunk of your shift on this, but you might inadvertently make the task seem so tedious that the coworker is less likely to volunteer for it or offer to assist you in the future.

6 – Play Dumb

Okay, I’ll get this out of the way first: Don’t go making yourself look totally incompetent or like a complete idiot. Like everything else in Slack Tasking, there’s a line you must learn to walk in playing stupid.

This will work best with extracurricular tasks that are outside of your regular duties. This ensures that it won’t seem too out of the ordinary for you to not understand or fuck it up.

For starters, ask a lot of questions when trained, being sure to make the instructor repeat themselves at least twice. Then ask for instructions again each subsequent time you’re asked to complete this task.

Additionally, you’ll want to do a lousy job. It’s like when you’re a kid and you don’t want to do the dishes so you do it shittily and it’s just easier for mommy to wash them herself. Thanks, Mom, you gullible fool!

If you can work it just right you’ll not only waste your and the instructor’s time but they’ll be reluctant to give you extra work in the future! Good job, dumbass!

7 – Save Your Bowel Movements for Work

Again, this is something you should already be practicing. You’re going to shit, that’s just a fact, and you might as well get paid for it. And don’t be shy about telling people that’s what you’re doing, sometimes it’s the only way to get them to stop paging you.

You can try to give yourself diarrhea (or fake it if you’re the kind of person who cheats at solitaire) if you want some extra time off your feet. Just be careful not to push it into the range where people think you have a serious medical condition. Or do, I guess, if you value the extra break over your coworkers worrying about your well-being.

Also, apropos of nothing, Gary, will you please see a doctor already?

8 – Be in Conflict with Your Coworkers or Managers

It may seem antithetical to workplace comradery, but conflict, when properly managed, can be a boon to your time value.

A good place to start is to identify the workplace pariah (start with an assholish manager). You know that person whose mere presence makes everyone’s job difficult and unbearable, like that asswipe Mike G. And if you can’t find them, then you are the pariah. Congratulations, you’re already in conflict!

Now, I would normally not encourage anyone to trash-talk their coworkers, but in this case a little shit talk is a great investment. It’s a signal to the other coworkers that they can come to you when they have a problem with someone and vent.

Eventually, the onus is off you as others will seek you out with their bullcrap while you show empathy and listen. Just be careful that you’re not labeled a “gossip” and thus untrustworthy. Try to listen without contributing more than necessary. Say something like “I don’t have a problem with Mike G, but I can see how that’s annoying” even though you think Mike G is an asswipe.

And remember, time spent in meetings with HR is just more time where you’re not actually working!

9 – [REDACTED]

[Editor’s note: Tip #9 has been removed from this article. All we can say is that the people who did Tip #9 don’t need to worry about their workplace efforts anymore.]

[A transcript of the unaltered article is available for readers’ attorneys in compliance with the discovery process and for law enforcement agencies when presenting the necessary warrants.]

10 – Take the Scenic Route

Answering a radio page makes you look good and counts towards your “get caught working” cred. You said you’d get there, but you didn’t say how long it would take….

For the amount of time you spend in your workplace you should already know the most circuitous and secluded paths to get from point A to B, even if that path takes you through points C, D, E, Q, X, AA7, and then C again. Your goal is to take as long as possible to reach your destination.

This actually calls back to tip #1 a little where we established that you should always have something to do in-between where you are and where you’re going, only this time the journey is its own reward.

In your wanderlust, make sure to have a ready story about how you got stopped or sidetracked should your absence go noticed. In fact, you should present one either way. If you’re not good on the fly, repurpose a story about something that happened earlier in the day or even several days ago. Vent about that customer that pissed you off last week like it just happened, just don’t use the same story twice. And don’t forget to embellish as telling a convoluted story is an effortless task in and of itself!

11 – NEVER Fuck Your Coworkers Over

This is just good advice to follow in general. Yes, the goal here is to exert as little effort as possible, but not at a cost to your coworkers. Yes, even when fomenting conflict or taking your sweet-ass time to walk over you can try to act in ways that are not detrimental to the value of others. Not only is it immoral to devalue their wages, but nothing can bring the whole Slack Tasking system down faster than coworkers complaining about how lazy and unreliable you are.

In short, you should treat your team’s efforts as if you want them to be as valuable as your own. So waste their time, yes, but never intentionally make more work for them.

And how about some team-building? Slack Tasking can be a fantastic group non-effort if you have a crew you trust enough!

Time to Put Slack Tasking into Inaction!

Now that you know the basic concept and have some tips you should have no problem Slack Tasking on your next shift! Bear in mind that no two people will slack in exactly the same way, so mix and match to find which methods work best for you!

A good example of Slack Tasking actually happened to me last week. I saw a task nobody wanted to do (moving stock out of the impulse area near the cash registers), grabbed a U-cart and made four round trips total around the entire circumference of the store, being sure to be seen by a manager and complain about how customers were making the task take longer than it should have. What should’ve been a quick job became a lengthy, leisurely walk around the store that ate up a large percentage of my shift.

It’s really as easy as that. So look for moments and opportunities to reduce your effort and practice Slack Tasking on your own. Before you know it you’ll be watching your wages appreciate in value without ever breaking a sweat.

Now go get to not work!