Starbucks Starstruck

Now that Starbucks has dropped union busting CEO Howard Schultz, new CEO Laxman Narasimhan is in, and the only thing he’s looking to bust is the misconception that CEOs need to be hands-off and far removed from the business floor (but also probably unions). So get ready, baristas, because Laxman Narasimhan is sinking to your depths and he’s definitely going to be competent and unobtrusive!

It’s a normal opening shift for the crew of a Starbucks not far from the company’s headquarters in Seattle, except in that there’s nothing normal about it.

“They had us here super late last night doing deep cleaning,” says barista Brian Pascal. “It’s insane, I don’t think the store’s ever been this clean. I swear to god I was sweeping up dust from when they built this place.”

“It sucks that they’re telling us we all have to be like super friendly and exemplify the quintessential Starbucks barista,” says shift supervisor Jessica Levy. “I don’t know what even the point of this is. He’s acting like he’s coming to help out the store and learn the ropes, but this just feels like another corporate visit to me.”“It’s really important that he see the store on a typical day,” says Starbucks representative Glenn Cunningham. “Narasimhan wants to be known as a man of the people, and get down there in the nitty-gritty with our employees and see what it’s really like to work in one of our cafes.”“Oh, a typical day now, is it?” says Levy. “Weird that I’ve never seen this location fully staffed like this. Messed up too how we’re gonna be shorted the rest of the week because this ‘typical day’s’ staff is draining our payroll budget.”Levy is ushered away by a manager before she can continue, but he assures us that Levy is just as excited as everyone else for this marvelous opportunity to rub elbows with their new leader.For background, Narasimhan announced shortly after accepting the job of CEO that he would be working half a shift once a month at Starbucks locations. The announcement, however, wasn’t without its critics.“It’s a stupid fuckin’ idea and an obvious publicity stunt,” says everybody outside the C-suite echochamber, “and I don’t buy for a second that there’s an ounce of sincerity to it.”“Oh, you fancy yourself a barista now?” says longtime Starbucks worker Susan Anderson. “Okay then, name every drink. No no no, you know what? Name like four, just four. And ‘coffee’ doesn’t count.”Undeterred by naysayers and the obvious awfulness of the idea, Narasimhan arrived at Starbucks ready to observe work and then act like he also did work!“This job is hectic enough,” says Brian Pascal as he works around Narasimhan who is now just kind of standing in the work area, “but add too many baristas scheduled and this concrete bowling pin making six figures an hour to plant himself on a non-slip mat and suddenly you’re working inside a shaking maraca made of suck.”“Obviously,” adds Levy, “if he was intending to do any actual work he wouldn’t have worn the suit.”“Glad to see everyone working together and so enthusiastically!” shouts Narasimhan among his coworkers.“It’s not enthusiasm, chucklefuck,” says Pascal under his breath, “it’s the morning rush.”“I was wondering,” says Levy directly to Narasimhan now, “if you were planning to support our workers’ right to unionize and earn a fair wage or do you think you’ll be more like our former CEO?”

“Wow, ha ha ha, okay,” says Narasimhan, squinting at her name tag, “Jessica.”“Yes?”“Oh, nothing,” says Narasimhan. “I was just saying your name so I’d remember it later for, uh, something else. You know what, nevermind.” He claps his hands together. “Okay, team, let’s make some coffee!”“Good advice,” says Pascal, “I hadn’t thought of actually preparing the drinks today. How’d we ever get by before?”

Throughout the shift, Narasimhan ingratiated himself to the staff. He hovered directly behind one barista for a while asking her to explain and show him step-by-step exactly how to make each drink, causing patrons’ orders to take several minutes longer than usual. He called customers to the counter only to point out a barista who would help them regardless of whether or not they were already busy. He interrupted several orders to ask customers questions like if they would try a goat milk latte if they were offered and how much would Starbucks have to charge before they went somewhere else. And the photography crew who followed him in and made the shop seem even more crowded than usual wasn't helping either.

After what felt like forever but was really only a couple of hours, she came in. All of the baristas recognized her at once. Every business has that one regular who seemingly revels in making every worker’s life hell, and no matter how  often they say otherwise always comes back. Her name was Kayleigh Blake, and God help you if she walked up to your register.

“At first I was like ‘oh no, not today!’,” says Jessica Levy, “but then it hit me.”“Okay, everybody,” yelled Levy, looking at her wrist despite the absence of a watch, “that’s break time!”“Wait,” said Narasimhan confused, “what’s going on?”“We’re all scheduled for a break right now,” said Levy, “so you’ll need to cover the front. Don’t worry, we’ll cover your break after.”And with that Narasimhan found himself facing Kayleigh Blake alone.“Well, heh-hello,” says Narasimhan. “What ca-can I get for you today?”Kayleigh orders without looking up from her phone: “Andes mint cold brew. Name’s Kayleigh”“Sweet Jesus,” says Levy in hushed tones to her coworkers, all of whom are watching from the side, “she went secret menu on his ass!”“I, uh…” stammers Narasimhan.Kayleigh sighs and looks up. “Venti cold brew, 3 pumps mocha, 3 pumps white mocha, 2 pumps peppermint, top with cold foam and chocolate curls.”Narasimhan turns to the staff. “Can I, uh, get some help here?”“No,” answers Levy, “We’re all on break. You don’t want us to violate any labor laws, do you?”“No,” says Narasimhan, “I suppose not.”“Not while anyone’s watching at least,” says Pascal under his breath.“I needed that order today,” says Kayleigh, “so any time you want to get started….”“Wouldn’t you rather have a nice caramel macchiato?” Narasimhan asks. “That’s always been my favorite drink.”Pascal snorts. “Of course that’s his favorite!”“That’s weird,” Kayleigh responds. “Pretty sure I ordered an Andes mint cold brew. Need me to explain it again? Or maybe you’d prefer I came back there and made it myself. Doesn’t seem like anyone else wants to work around here.”Narasimhan is now sweating profusely. “No no,” he says, “it’s fine. I think I can figure it out.”The staff watched in a mix of glee and horror as Narasimhan attempted to make the meme drink.“Holy crap,” said one appalled barista, “he’s scooping straight espresso beans into the portafilter. There’s not even any espresso in that drink!”Narasimhan now seems to be steaming a cup of… I don’t know, vaguely coffee-flavored brown ice water? It's unclear what he hoped to accomplish there. He continues by pumping a mishmash of syrups and flavorings into the cup, going extra heavy on the white chocolate and mint, perhaps in an attempt to hide how poorly constructed it is. Finally, he turns and hands Kayleigh Blake her drink.“What the hell is this?” she asks.“It’s a grande… mint… whatever it was you ordered.”“No, you idiot,” she says, “not the drink, which I will neither be drinking nor paying for it. No, I mean what the hell is THIS!?”She turns the cup to show the name written on the side: KAYLEE.“Oh shit!” says Pascal. “Rookie mistake!”“Is THAT how you spell Kayleigh?” “Well, yeah,” Narasimhan says confused, “that is how I spelled it.”“This is absolutely ridiculous,” says Kayleigh,. gesturing with her index finger. I want the manager. NOW!"After taking a barrage of verbal abuse on behalf of Narasimhan, the manager remakes Kayleigh’s drink (free of charge, of course) and promises the responsible barista would be dealt with. And with that, Narasimhan's shift is apparently and coincidentally at an end.“I really wish I could stay here all day,” he says to the staff, “but unfortunately I’ve got a lot of business to attend to.” He turns to the manager and adds “And don’t forget to send that staff list over to me so I can make sure everyone who worked with me today gets a nice… uh, reward for all their dedication and hard work.”But even the staff, who may as well start looking for new jobs, agree that the day wasn’t a total loss.“In the end,” says Levy, “he really did get to learn what it was like behind that counter: Left to flounder with inadequate staffing, having to make nonsense drinks to the specifications of some wannabe influencer, being treated like coffee-making robots by some entitled dipshit who doesn’t see us as real people. Yeah, I’d say he learned plenty today.”In response, Narasimhan says “Hmmm… coffee-making robots you say… Now there’s an idea… Also, why are we using so many cups!?”Okay, sorry, he learned nothing.