Sunday Service

The practice of being amiable and altruistic is all well and good for churchgoing folks, but at some point, somebody needs to serve brunch.

Megan Barnes, a member of Fellowship Congregational Church in Omaha, NE, was surprised to be asked to join Pastor Edd in his office one Sunday after service.

"I remember telling him," Megan recalls, "that I didn't have a lot of time since I had work shortly after church and he just kind of laughed nervously and said 'well, yeah that's kind of the thing'."

You see, Megan Barnes is a server at Sunnyside Cafe, a nearby restaurant that is very popular with the after-church brunch crowd, and Megan’s church attendance sometimes holds up brunch service.

“The owner’s been really cool about not penalizing me for coming in a little later on Sundays,” says Megan.

“Oh, we love Megan here,” says Sunnyside owner Jerry Walsh. “We may get a bit backed up early Sunday afternoon, but I’d never think to tell her she couldn't go to church.”

But not everyone has been as understanding.

“The wait times are atrocious,” says Betsy Ruth Wicks, regular customer and fellow parishioner to Megan, “and when I complained and they said things usually eased up once that Megan girl decided to show up, so I knew what I had to do.”

What Betsy did next is why Megan found herself in Pastor Edd’s office.

“I was stunned when he told me,” tells Megan, “numbed really. He told me that due to circumstances outside of his control I was being excommunicated. For real! They legit had me excommunicated from my church!”

“We take issues like this seriously,” says Pastor Edd, “but certain members of the congregation were quite adamant.”

“I just thought of it like,” says Betsy Wicks, “for every problem, there’s a manager to talk to, and what’s a pastor if not the manager of church?”

“You ever see them at like Walmart or Applebee'ses after leaving church?” says Pastor Edd. “See how mean and vicious they can be? Well that’s them all spread out. Imagine them all concentrated in one place and then tell me you wouldn't give them whatever they wanted. It’s like waving off one bee versus waving off the entire swarm, and they are not afraid to sting, I’ll tell you that!”

“My faith is a big part of my life,” says Megan, “but I guess it’s more important that Betsy Ruth and the rest of them have someone to yell at when their home fries aren’t crispy enough. No, it’s okay, I’d hate for my love of God to have to make you wait a few minutes longer for a refill on that coffee, dear.”

“Oh please,” implores Betsy Wicks when asked how she could do such a thing to a member of her church. “If anything we did her a favor. Now she’s able to rake in some extra tips from the heathens who don’t even go to church. Besides, it’s not like she’s completely out of the community. We still see her every Sunday!”

“Yeah, I still do see a lot of the church,” admits Megan, “while I’m serving bottomless mimosas and reciting omelet ingredients to people who can’t read menus. But it hits a bit different that people who would smile and wish me God’s blessings one week suddenly look through me the next, like a coatrack, except of course when the husbands strain their necks to get a good, hard look at my ass.

“And oh yeah,” adds Megan, “leaving me a religious tract in place of a tip is just adding insult to injury.”

As insidious as it sounds to deny a young person a place of worship and a sense of belonging, Betsy Wicks seems okay with what her and her gaggle of Pious Pamelas have done to Megan.

“I do feel a little bad about it sometimes,” says Betsy from her favorite Sunnyside booth, “but to be seated, have a nice meal, AND get over to the Odd Lot Store by two o'clock? Now that is my idea of heaven!”

Update:

We returned to Omaha to check in on Megan and her ex-congregation, only to find out that many Fellowship churchgoers no longer frequent Sunnyside Cafe.

“Oh, no, we don’t go there anymore,” says Betsy Wicks, “not since they put that horrid thing on display!”

“Oh, that,” says Sunnyside owner Jerry Walsh. “Yeah, business was pretty good, so I decided to update the decor a little. Not sure if you recognize the new statue over by the waiting area. Are you familiar with the deity Baphomet?”

Now that Sunnyside’s brunch service has become a non-issue, we asked Megan Barnes if she planned on returning to church anytime soon.

“Oh no, I don’t think I’ll be going back,” she tells us. “Pastor Edd asked me as much when Betsy Ruth’s gaggle sent him here to ask us to take Baphy down. But no, with everything that happened plus the extra business all the local news stories about the churchies protesting the statue have brought in, I think I’m better off spending my Sundays right here.”