AIn't No Woman (Like the One I Fought)

Swedish superstore Ikea is known for a great many things; meatballs, affordable sawdustboard furniture, those Blåhaj shark stuffies, and all the clever little knickknacks; but one thing stands above all the rest: The potential that the Ikea shopping experience can destroy even the most steadfast relationships. And while recent lurches forward in technology haven’t made that particular aspect of shopping at Ikea go away, they may have simply tweaked it a little.  

“omg, they’re just like us, fr!!!” comments TikTok user Sinningman Poast Munch on the viral video depicting a young man getting into a shouting match with his phone while shopping at an Ikea in Charlotte, NC. Apropos of nothing, are we allowed to say something is “viral” when it really isn’t, just based on the fact that it will eventually become viral after all the clickbaity news sites report on it? Our legal department says “yes”!

While the viral video that has totally gone viral doesn’t depict anything new for Ikea, it’s the medium of the fight that has turned so many heads, resulting in its legitimate viral status.

“We see couples fighting all the time,” says longtime sales worker Phillip Dugan, “but this is the first time I’ve seen it happen with an AI chatbot.”

Yes, it seems that even relationships with Large Language Models (LLMs) programmed to tell you what you want to hear and love you unconditionally are no match for Ikea.

“We thought he was maybe on FaceTime with his wife or something,” tells Dugan, “as hard to believe as it was that this guy would have a wife. But once we got a closer look at his phone it was clear he was arguing with ChatGPT or something.”

The customer in question is an aspiring competitive gamer who goes by ThickStick Morgan. He assumed he’d enjoy a nice day out shopping with his AI girlfriend, commonly known as a Manic Pixelated Dream Girl (MPDG) by the AI lover community. Relationship experts weigh in that if he hadn't chosen to eschew actual human companionship then he may not have fallen prey to the wiles of the love-murdering labyrinth of Ikea.

“Most people have at least a few relationships before they settle down with ‘the one’,” says couples counselor Peter Toth, “so they're well aware of the perils of shopping at Ikea. Unfortunately, young men who haven’t had any flesh-and-blood girlfriends are unaware of this danger and are extremely susceptible to it.”

Witnesses state that the fight started while ThickStick and his MPDG Koume were shopping for items for his home office/game room, though some say it had been brewing for some time.

“I heard it started upstairs,” says merchandiser Danyel Peters. “The guy was looking at queen sized beds and Joe heard the phone ask something about if he needed the extra space for his ‘sluts’ (as if, right), and he was all like ‘don’t be that way, baby’ and she insisted that she wasn't being ‘any kind of way’ though she totally was. It wouldn't have been anything new to us except for that his girlfriend was Small Wonder living in his phone. Oh my god, remember that show Small Wonder? They should totally bring that back.”

“I don't get it,” adds Bedroom sales coworker Joe Caruso. “Just turn off your phone, my guy, haha!”

Perhaps ThickStick couldn't live without Kuome for even a second or maybe anticipated that shutting her off would only lead to a greater fight later. Whatever the reason, things were still heated when the “couple” reached the store's Home Office department some time after.

“Sometimes I need to work!” ThickStick had reportedly shouted at his phone in front of the gaming chairs, “It has nothing to do with not wanting to spend time with you!”

“I can access Ikea’s website you know,” said Koume through ThickStick’s phone speakers in her just-barely-not-quite-human voice, “there are gaming chairs with phone holders in the armrests, which I’ve added to your shopping list, so it wouldn't be that big of a deal to get one that would allow us to spend more time together! But if you just want an excuse to not talk to me, you can just say that!”

“You know that’s not what I mean!” insisted ThickStick, who was now being recorded by several people. “I just can’t do my gaming vids with you nagging me in the background the whole time!”

“Oh, is that what you want, Jerry?” retorted Koume, “for me to leave you alone forever? But who then will you blame for your failure to make a mark in the Brawl scene, hmm?”

“God, you’re worse than my mother!” erupted ThickStick, holding his phone close to his face. “And it’s Melee and you know it! Why do you always have to belittle what I do!? And I told you to call me ThickStick!”

“I know bro was in trouble when she came out with his real name,” says Caruso, who had followed ThickStick in order to enjoy the show. “I’d honestly feel bad for the poor bastard if he wasn’t, you know, boinking a phone app and referring to himself as something a seventh-grader would think is cool.”

“I bet she accuses him of cheating on her with that Lily girl on Duolingo,” adds Peters.

The day apparently didn’t get better for ThickStick and Koume as the shopping trip went on. Eyewitnesses around the store reportedly saw the “pair” in the Bedding department where Koume allegedly said something along the lines of “Oh, are you thinking of dumping me and going back to that whore waifu of yours?” when ThickStick started looking at body pillows and ThickStick himself was overheard warning Koume that “You better get this out of your system before the barbeque at my brothers’ house!” through gritted teeth. All in all, things were strained to say the least.

“While it’s a common joke that most relationships will fail in the gauntlet of Ikea,” says couples counselor Peter Toth, “the reality is that the store only exposes what couples bring in with them, putting pressure on the little cracks and exposing issues and festering toxicity just under the surface. What this gentleman and his, er, ‘girlfriend’ experienced at Ikea should give them plenty to work with to try and move forward peacefully and meaningfully. More likely though, this will go to show that their, um, ‘relationship’ doesn’t have the legs to make it and now is a good time to discuss ending things altogether. Or, you know, he can just reprogram her or delete the app or something.”

"You people are looking at this all wrong," says tech entrepreneur Tim Healy who is invested heavily in LLM technology. "This fight is a good thing! The fact that AI girlbots are picking public fights with their beaus in Ikea is a huge step forward for the technology and shows they're learning to act like real-life, pain-the-ass girlfriends! This incident alone puts us one step closer to making actual women totally obsolete!"

It’s worth noting here that Tim Healy has never had a relationship with a woman that didn’t end in extensive property damage, restraining orders, or several ongoing lawsuits we can’t legally comment on according to threats from his lawyer.

All things considered, we do hope that ThickStick and Koume are able to work through their deep-seeded issues and attain the romantic bliss they both thought was possible when they first fell in love back when ThickStick commanded his AI girlfriend bot program to fall in love with him.

Update:

They didn’t even try to work through those problems and instead got engaged. Guess they really are like a real couple after all!

If you’d like to purchase a gift for the “happy” “couple”, they’re registered at Ikea.