Tariffic News!

As the month of July begins to slip through our fingers, many retailers and their customers have started to look ahead to August, when the US Government’s pause on tariffs on goods imported from certain foreign countries will end. While many anticipate the cost of essentials and consumer goods to skyrocket, some retailers are promising that they will not be raising prices due to these tariffs.

“Oh no, of course not!” assures Eric Foutch, CFO of big-box retailer All-In-One. “No, we were already going to be raising our prices this summer, the fact that the tariffs are going into effect is purely coincidental.”

“Yes, back-to-school is our busiest time of year,” adds Marcus Hammond, a marketing executive for The Learning Depot, “so naturally it’s when our prices go up. It’s just what we do when we anticipate an increase in demand.”

“Besides,” chimes in Andy Putzder, majority stockholder of a conglomerate that holds a controlling stake in retailer Luv2Buy, “we took a bath when we raised all the prices and pretended it was inflation, so it’s only logical that we raise prices again to make up for those losses.”

“You know,” says Foutch, “we could’ve just done that again. Like raise prices twelve percent on an eight percent tariff or whatever it is. Might be worth some short-term gains right before we dump the assets and sell the property to a company we control and overcharge ourselves rent until the company rots from within and dies.”

“Damn, we really should’ve thought of that!” says Putzder. 

“I can’t do that though,” says Hammond. “We only own the stores, we don’t have a whole network to do whatever it is you’re talking about.”

“Wow, really?” asks Foutch. “Way to have your head in the game, loser.”

“Seriously, Learning Depot,” Putzder piles on, “what point even is there to being in retail if you can’t profit off bleeding your own company dry while blaming outside factors? Like do you only make money from selling things to customers? What kind of business would that even be!?”

“Um, a retail store?” posits Hammond. “We just sell school supplies and use any excess profits to donate some to schools in desperate need of them.”

“Oh man, we’re gonna have to hostile takeover these guys,” says Foutch, “for realsies.”

“Nuh-uh,” replies Putzder, “dibs!”

Okay, maybe we shouldn’t have gotten these guys together for this.

For those in the dark about what a tariff actually is, it’s like a tax on goods imported from other countries only apparently not like a tax at all even though when they explain it it sounds a lot like a tax. These fees are to be paid by the foreign companies exporting their goods to the United States and not the end customers. So you see, there really is no reason for tariffs to cause price increases and you’d be an idiot to think that.

“Do you really not see,” says Hammond of The Nerd Store or whatever it was, “that additional expenses in the supply chain causes our cost of goods to increase which in turn causes consumer prices to rise in tandem? I mean, I'm all for raising prices out of nowhere for pretty much no reason, but let's not pretend the tariffs aren’t a factor.”

“That’s crap,” says Putzder. “As a staunch Libertarian, I don’t need the government to tell me when to raise my prices, I can raise them just because I want to! Besides, Trump says we can’t do tariff price increases, so....”

“That's not the point,” interjects Hammond, “it's not about the politics of it, its–”

“I always keep politics out of business,” says Foutch, “except for PR reasons, like putting out Pride Month merch or removing all the Pride Month merch a week into Pride Month. Also to get that law passed that makes shoplifting a capital offense.”

“No no, what I mean is–” says Hammond, who is suddenly distracted by his phone vibrating. “Hang on, my Teams chat is blowing up over here…. HOLY HELL, HOW DO YOU ALREADY HAVE A CONTROLLING STAKE OF MY COMPANY!?”

“Haha, you snooze you lose, schoolboy!” says Foutch.

“No fair!” exclaims Putzder, “I called dibs!”

Update: At the time of publication, Putzder’s conglomerate now owns both of their companies and has already used debt leveraging to bankrupt The Learning Depot, which sucks because they did actually donate a lot of supplies to disadvantaged schools every year. Oh well!

So you see, there really is no reason to fear that retail prices will be going up next month due to sweeping tariffs on foreign goods (that is assuming they don’t get delayed yet again). No, consumers all across the United States can rest assured that they have nothing to worry about, those prices are going up regardless of American foreign policy. Happy shopping!