Teacher Feature

One of the most annoying behaviors customers exhibit while shopping is the inability or lack of desire to read signage. You can walk into any retail store and ask the staff what their pet peeves are and most will list “customers never read” in their top five. But one manager, tired of the aggravation and wasted time, is ready to try something drastic.

Tim Altmann, managing director of an All-In-One flagship store in Colorado Springs, was spending some time on the sales floor when he noticed the trend himself.

“It’d been a while,” says Altmann, “and it was kind of a shock to be suddenly bombarded with questions.”

One thing Altmann noticed was that people were constantly asking questions to which answers were readily available.

Not only does she strive to live this philosophy on the sales floor, but insists the employees under her do as well. Some take this attitude as an example to follow while others see it as just a common banality of working in a service industry. Others still find the idea offensive.

“She’s always saying that stuff,” says sales associate Gillian Eckert. “It’s the exact kind of horse crap you hear from managers who have the privilege of not having to be on the sales floor all day long.”

“If someone acted that way in my home,” says assistant sales manager Don Redford, “they’d be quickly meeting the sidewalk out front.”

“It’s legit gaslighting,” says sales associate Steve Parks. “These people torment us and make our jobs infinitely harder. I’ll never be grateful for that.”

“If she loves customers so much,” says merchandiser Daniel Kaplan, “why doesn’t she marry them? Rest in peace, Pee-Wee.”

While those who work closely with customers might find the philosophy kind of stupid or even irritating, most would opt to just tune it out and get on with their jobs, but Vanessa Abondolo’s staff were about to go above and beyond.

“It was so crazy,” says Gillain Eckert. “Don saw on Facebook that Vanessa was throwing a housewarming party that Friday night and then Daniel thought it would be funny to show up and act like customers. Crazy right?”

“I wasn’t being funny,” says Daniel Kaplan, “I was fully serious.”

“Daniel said we didn’t have the balls to do it,” says Steve, “and I was just like ‘I’ll do it if you do it’ thinking he’d back down.”

“Bro, I was fully serious!” adds Daniel.

“As a member of the management team, I regret giving them the idea,” says Don, “but as someone who’s had every possible bodily fluid from a customer on me at some point I didn’t discourage them.”

The notion floated around for a bit, staff members daring each other to do it, and by the time Friday night came around the plan was set.

“We had a few call-outs that night,” said Don Redford, “and I knew right away those crazy bastards were actually going to do it. Officially, it was over the line and they should be reprimanded accordingly.”

“One lady came up to me with a bag of ice cream jimmies,” says Altmann referring to sprinkles, “asking what they were made out of. It says right on the bag, corn syrup and wax. Another asked where aisle seven was while we were standing in aisle five. The worst are the ones who’ll ask you the price of something when there’s a label right on the shelf they got it from.”

Tim Altmann could only draw one conclusion from his customer interactions: “I don’t think these people know how to read!”

“Yeah, no doy these people can’t read,” says sales floor worker Michelle Clarkson. “It’s all day long with these people like standing at a sign that says ‘hardware’ asking where the hammers are at or they’ll ask like if something comes with batteries when it says ‘batteries not included’ right on the box.”

“I wear a bright-ass yellow shirt that says ‘All-In-One’ and a button that says ‘here to help!’,” says Micha Kingsley, another sales worker, “and I still get asked ‘do you work here’ a thousand times a day.”

“You could put up a sign that says ‘if you read this I’ll give you a hundred dollars’,” says Clarkson, “and never have to worry about paying it out.”

“I kind of forgot how stupid the questions you get are,” says Altmann, “and I don’t mean like stupid to me because I work here and know where everything is, I mean like objectively stupid.”

But it was those questions in their objective stupidness that gave him the epiphany that may very well change retail forever.

The employees rendezvoused outside of Abondolo’s house and covertly made their way in.

“We let ourselves into the backyard,” says Gillian. “The gate was unlocked and there was a group of people smoking out there. We joined them and then made our way inside.”

“Haha, we actually second-acted her party!” says Daniel.

“I don’t remember inviting any of the staff,” says Abondolo on suddenly seeing a group of her employees in her home. “I’m pretty sure it’s against some HR policy actually, but I didn’t want to be rude and ask them to leave.”

But little did she know that a small act of courtesy would be the vehicle of her annoyance.

“I started small,” says Gillian, “moving stuff in the kitchen. Like swapping the onion and garlic powders and then moving the entire spice rack to the other side of the stove, putting her yogurt in the vegetable crisper, stuff like that so when she reached for something it would be slightly off from where she expected it. Let her spend a day doing go-backs in her own home, ha!"

"I'm not as subtle as Gillian," says Daniel, "I paint in broad strokes. I put several couch cushions in the shower and took a pound of ground beef out of the freezer and put it on the guestroom nightstand. She'll be sniffing that one out in a few days!"

"I found some leftover spaghetti in the fridge and ate in her bed, under the covers with my shoes on," says Steve. "When I was done eating I just stuffed the plate under the pillow."

Miriam from the sales team showed up with her two horrible kids, gave them each a Monster Energy Drink, and let them loose, stating "Not my house, not my problem".

“This is actually a pretty nice place,” says Dan as he kicks broken glass under the sofa. “Vanessa’s husband must be loaded!”

In the end, the team managed to give the house the full customer experience: There were crumbs and spills on the floor of most rooms, pee sprinkled on and around the toilet, packages of nonperishable food were opened and left on the pantry shelves, [what Miriam did in the guest bathroom sink has been redacted per Florida state law], used napkins and empty drink vessels were left on every Story by Matt Starr (@BlameTag)

One of the most annoying behaviors customers exhibit while shopping is the inability or lack of desire to read signage. You can walk into any retail store and ask the staff what their pet peeves are and most will list “customers never read” in their top five. But one manager, tired of the aggravation and wasted time, is ready to try something drastic.

Tim Altmann, managing director of an All-In-One flagship store in Colorado Springs, was spending some time on the sales floor when he noticed the trend himself.

“It’d been a while,” says Altmann, “and it was kind of a shock to be suddenly bombarded with questions.”

One thing Altmann noticed was that people were constantly asking questions to which answers were readily available.

“One lady came up to me with a bag of ice cream jimmies,” says Altmann referring to sprinkles, “asking what they were made out of. It says right on the bag, corn syrup and wax. Another asked where aisle seven was while we were standing in aisle five. The worst are the ones who’ll ask you the price of something when there’s a label right on the shelf they got it from.”

Tim Altmann could only draw one conclusion from his customer interactions: “I don’t think these people know how to read!”

“Yeah, no doy these people can’t read,” says sales floor worker Michelle Clarkson. “It’s all day long with these people like standing at a sign that says ‘hardware’ asking where the hammers are at or they’ll ask like if something comes with batteries when it says ‘batteries not included’ right on the box.”

“I wear a bright-ass yellow shirt that says ‘All-In-One’ and a button that says ‘here to help!’,” says Micha Kingsley, another sales worker, “and I still get asked ‘do you work here’ a thousand times a day.”

“You could put up a sign that says ‘if you read this I’ll give you a hundred dollars’,” says Clarkson, “and never have to worry about paying it out.”

“I kind of forgot how stupid the questions you get are,” says Altmann, “and I don’t mean like stupid to me because I work here and know where everything is, I mean like objectively stupid.”

But it was those questions in their objective stupidness that gave him the epiphany that may very well change retail forever.

“Some guy was asking me where the bathroom was directly in front of the sign for the restrooms,” says Altmann, “and I thought of that thing teachers say, about how there are no stupid questions. Obviously, it isn’t true, but they have to act like it is and it’s like that’s something we have in common.”

Then the thought exploded in his brain like chalk dust from clapping blackboard erasers: Teachers!

“It seems so obvious now,” says Altmann. “The idea was that we could hire a teacher to teach our customers how to read signs, alleviating the need to constantly hold these people’s hands and freeing us to focus on our actual jobs! Hopefully, over time the customers would learn and stop bothering us altogether.”

“It’s like the ‘teach a man to fish’ thing,” he adds excitedly, “except you’re teaching them how to buy the fish without bugging the monger.”

Miriam Clearglass is a freshly retired grade school teacher who was intrigued by the bizarre employment ad.

“I had no earthly clue as to why a retail store would be looking to hire teachers,” she says, “but I didn’t mind the idea of having something with which to fill my time and, if I’m being honest, I could do with the extra income and a discount on groceries.”

So Ms. Clearglass applied, interviewed, and accepted the newly christened position of customer tutor.

“The manager, Mr. Altmann,” says Clearglass, “described the problem to me and it was clear the issues they were having had come not from their customers’ inability to read but from their inability to comprehend what they had read.”

It wouldn’t be long before Ms. Clearglass would prove not only her own worth but the concept as well.

A call came across the radio one Tuesday afternoon for the customer tutor to assist with a price dispute in bedding. Ms. Clearglass came onto the scene to find a customer scolding a sales associate: “It says it right there! All pillows are on sale for ten bucks, but when I brought this to the cashier they said it was thirty!”

“It’s okay, honey,” said Ms. Clearglass as she approached the customer with a consoling hand outstretched. “We can read this together and see, okay?” She pointed to the hanging sale banner. “Now can you read what it says right there for me?”

“Yeah,” said the customer, “it says ‘pillow sale, ten dollars.”

“No no,” said Ms. Clearglass calmly, still pointing to the sign. “We’re looking for context clues within the text here. Can you read me exactly what it says underneath the price, dear?”

“Yeah,” said the customer, “okay. It says, um….”

“It’s okay, honey, take your time, I’m not going anywhere….”

“It says ‘on select Snooze Master products, discount indicated on price tag,” read the customer who then looked down at his feet. 

“Very good!” said Ms. Clearglass. “Now, looking back at that sentence, would you say that all[i] these pillows are discounted? Why or why not?”

“I… Uh….”

“There’s not need to be shy, dear,” said Ms. Clearglass calmly. “It’s okay to answer, we’re learning.”

“No,” said the customer. “The pillow I took wasn’t a Snooze Master, so I guess… I guess it’s not part of the sale.”

“Very good!” said Ms. Clearglass with a wide smile. “Here you go, darling, you earned this today!” She stuck a smiley-face sticker to the customer’s shirt near his shoulder.

The customer said “Oh, well, it was nothing,” as he his face turned red and he tried to hide his own smile.

Over and over sales associates paged Ms. Clearglass from everything from figuring out ingredient lists on gluten-free bread to not opening doors clearly marked with emergency exit alarms. And she did it all with patience and civility that the harried sales staff had trouble mustering. She even started giving some customers words and phrases to define before their next visit such as “non-refundable”, “debit and credit only”, and “limited time”, with returning customers eager to demonstrate what they’d learned.

“She’s really made our lives easier,” says Altmann.

“Ms. Clearglass is great!” says Michelle Clarkson. “A customer asked like where the meat department was and instead just telling him she was like ‘Now where would I look if I needed to find the meat department, sweetie?’ and she actually got him to read the sign to her! It was legit amazeballs!”

In the following weeks, Tim Altmann would go on to present their success to the district manager and later the corporate heads of sales, all who enthusiastically encouraged other All-In-One stores to adopt the practice, and not just english teachers!

“I’ve been working at this store for almost a month now,” says Gerald Murgo, who answered a similar ad for a store in Athens, Georgia. “I generally work weekends and a couple of nights each week in addition to teaching sixth-grade math full time at a public school. It’s a good way to supplement my income doing basically the same thing I at my day job.”

Unlike Ms. Clearglass, Mr. Murgo utilizes his skills as a math teacher to help customers who have difficulty understanding pricing, as he demonstrated for us when we visited his store.

“It’s five bucks and ‘buy one get one half off’,” said one customer standing in front of family-sized boxes of Cheez-It crackers. “So it should be five dollars total, two-fifty each!”

“Okay, well let’s work it out,” said Mr. Murgo, writing out the problem on a clipboard. “If we buy one at five dollars, and a second would be half that, we can express the pricing as such….” He held out the clipboard for the customer where he had written $5+($5÷2).

“Yeah,” said the customer looking at the equations. “Five plus five is ten, divided by two is five, five bucks!”

“No, no,” said Mr. Murgo, “don’t forget your order of operations. Let’s look at the parentheses first….”

Even as praise for the likes of Ms. Clearglass and Mr. Murgo pours in, there are admittedly issues with the program.

One store in Stoughton, MA had their ex-kindergarten teacher give a customer a “time-out” when they refused to accept that they couldn’t buy a display item. Another store in Oakland, CA saw their customer tutor ask several difficult customers to stay in the store even after their purchase was complete to “think about what [they’d] done”. And the less we say about the “dodge cabbage” incident at the Orlando store whose manager misunderstood the program and hired an ex-gym teacher for the produce department the better. But these are just kinks to be ironed-out in a program that’s seen more success than failure.

While retail workers can’t make customers smarter, Tim Altmann and his program attempts to do the next best thing: help them to be just barely functional and less bothersome. So the next time you’re at a store and you get in an argument over signage, pay attention. You just might learn something.